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Some thoughts on returning

nickh

nickh

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As some people will have noticed I have been away for a few months. This was due to a bout of D.. So first I wanted to explain my vanishing act :).

But I also wanted to get down some thoughts. Everyone's D. takes them somewhat differently as I know. But a couple of features of mine which I wanted to share and see how other people feel are...

1.) Silence. I become silent. At worst I don't talk at all; at best I am very uncommunicative. That is why I don't come on-line when I am ill. I am incapable of conversation, of speech, even if that speech is a written one. In r/l this means staying in the house utterly withdrawn. Of course I don't speak on the phone. But beyond this there is a sort of internal silence. Its hard to describe but because any thoughts I would have are at best dark (euphemism) I shut down my thinking process as far as possible.

2.) Forgetfulness. I always forget just how bloody awful a bad bout of D. is. Even now just a week or so on from recovering I am starting to forget. Of course I can remember in an abstract sort of way - what the effects where and so on. But the feelings/inner thoughts are lost. Now partly this I guess is because I wouldn't want to recapture them (and if I did I would be ill again) and partly it is a part of the healing process. But the downside is that every time - every damn time - another bad bout does come on it is a surprise and shock. Now I suppose this is true of many pains/illnesses - say toothache - we forget just how excruciating it is: but with D the problem is that it takes a real effort to remember the right coping strategies which are complicated and individual (where for toothache they are pretty standard).

Well this is mostly a meander. Another couple of months of life gone with nothing to show for it but having completed 1 and a half lengthy video games :rolleyes:.

Anyway apologies to all for sudden and lengthy absence - but the beauty of communities like this is that I feel it will be completely understood.

Nick.
 
rollinat

rollinat

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It's really good to see you back here, Nick - your name popped into my head the other day and I did mean to send you a PM but I got sidetracked - but I have been thinking of you.

Sorry that the D word has hit so hard again - as always you explain its effects very well. I too am always amazed by how awful I can feel at times and how physical it is - my analogy would be childbirth, but I guess that's not too appropriate for you!

Anyway, good to have you back and look forward to seeing more of you.

Take care.

Rollinat
 
D

Dollit

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Glad to see you back Nick and thanks for taking time to explain what it means to you. Been through the mangle a little myself lately and still recovering though today is the best day by far.

You've been missed. xx
 
nickh

nickh

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Many thanks both - and yes Rollinat the physical aspect is another which always takes me by surprise. Very sorry to hear you've been through the mangle (what a brilliant description!) Dollit.

Best,

Nick.
 
herbie

herbie

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Welcome back.

Nearly all of what you say here, I relate to very strongly, especially about withdrawing from contact.
 
Libra1

Libra1

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Hi Nick :welcome: back.

:( sorry to hear you haven't been well. Very glad to see you back again :)
- I had thought you had gone on an extended holiday somewhere exotic or was poorly.

Don't get taking on too much now in the next few weeks, that has always been my mistake.
Sending lots of hugs, take care.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
 
nickh

nickh

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Many thanks all :).

One more thought :)rolleyes: these may crop up for few days!) - this time definitely not to do with the bout itself but getting better. I come back really angry again about MH issues. Like the on-going attack on Incapacity Benefits - I mean how bloody dare they attack sick people like that? It is an outrage and shows that the people behind it just have no idea, no idea whatsoever, what it means to be badly depressed (or to suffer other MH conditions but I'm in the depression bit now :).

I suppose you could call this a positive response from a personal viewpoint but I would much rather do without the attacks and the anger.

Nick.
 
blackdog

blackdog

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I have been away for some time as well Nick, but for the opposite reason. I am afraid I am back now because of the big D. Good to know you're back though. Take care, Paul.
 
nickh

nickh

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Thanks Paul - although sorry to hear about the big D. but pleased that you are able to come here.

Nick.
 
blackdog

blackdog

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Thanks Nick, it's good to know that the forums always here. Paul
 
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