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Solutions for sexual sadism? *TW*

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fluttermouse

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Hello, I'm posting here because I want help with something that I can't tell anyone about in real life. *Please understand I have never acted and will never intentionally hurt any other human animal or nonhuman animal.* This is more to do with how it affects me.

As you already know I am a sexual sadist, not the normal kind; if it was S&M or BDSM I really wouldn't be here. I'm finding it difficult to write this though you must have an idea of the extent ****TW**** : brutal torture before murder, dismemberment, necrophilia, hangings etc. Think of Jeffrey Dahmer and then make him 1000x worse.

I have no idea where this came from though there must be a root somewhere. I am still pretty young and began actually searching for this stuff around 3/4 years ago although I can remember my sexuality being on the same track since I have memories of it (though had never been able to orgasm before). I know porn can influence people but that was something I never looked at. My version of that was looking at dead bodies I liked.

There are masochistic tendencies too however I'm not sure if it really is masochism or sadism inflicted upon myself. In order to get off I often hurt my body and allow myself to abuse it, playing victim since I won't touch anyone else in that way. It is my understanding masochism is the enjoyment of pain but I think mine stems from enjoying the infliction and not actually wanting it (but doing it anyway).

Also I'm not sure if the necrophilia is genuine or just sadism. Many necrophiliacs are romantically attracted to corpses and that has only happened once for me and never again. It seems this is mainly a sadistic and sick response, not loving.

This affects me in 2 ways, for one and most importantly I feel like an awful person. If anyone knew they probably would think so too. I've tried to stop thinking that way before and went about 5 months without looking at anything or masturbating. I then relapsed and felt so guilty. The guilt helped stop me from doing it often but every once in a while I slipped up. Again I never done anything for a bit then within the past 2 weeks I was weak and just let myself do it. It's worse when there's real victims in imagery so a few days ago I decided to stop viewing that, or even any imagery again. So far so good but I end up having to go hard on myself to make up for it. That's better imo and feels better emotionally afterwards. I'm aware the problem isn't solved though and is just being ignored. I don't want to be like this at all, not just suppress it.

The other thing is I can't be in a sexual relationship with anyone. It's not something I will do until this is over if ever. Some would be repelled to harm another they loved but in my mind this is intimate just like making love, it almost is to me. I'm also unsure of my actual sexuality but this is not a problem. It seems physically there is not much there and only an attraction to how someone acts, or their personality. I've considered just being in an asexual relationship and that may be the best option in the end, even if this can be overcome.

All other areas of my life are quite positive and those who know me would say I am too caring, when planting vegetables I even try to look out for insects. My personality is not sadistic and I think this is the result of an event or association I can't remember that perhaps needs to be resolved.

I'm too young to seek professional help without my parents finding out and would like to know if there is anything I should do that could help end this, even things like reading material. At the moment I have a friend very much into spirituality and she has gave me suggestions of books, of course unaware. At the moment I got the Bhagavad Gita.

TL: DR Basically how can I keep my mind out of the gutter and never want to go back.

Thank you for any help :)
 
katya

katya

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Hello and welcome to the forum.

Whoosh, I'm glad you've said something about all of this, because I think you do need some help. You're very brave to talk about this.

As you said, though, it's not like you'd actually ever do that to anyone, so this doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm assuming you're quite young from what you've said so I'm hoping this is a phase.

I have two questions for you, which you don't need to reply to:
1) Have you ever been in a relationship with someone?
2) Are you a virgin?

I knew someone who had some weird sexual fantasies before she had sex for the first time, and they immediately went away once she had had sex and was in a relationship; everything seemed to normalise. Maybe, if this is true for you, this might happen?

I do think you need to see a therapist as soon as possible - not because I believe you'll hurt anyone, but it'd be good for you to get over this so then you can enjoy sex and relationships without this fascination in your mind.

Hope you're okay; remember, you're not a bad person.
 
calypso

calypso

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I would suggest that you have issues with your emotional development, and this may well go away in time. You say you can't access help without your parents knowing - I'll be PMing you soon about your age - but you can go to a doctor yourself, no matter what your age. The Doctor is professionally bound not to break confidentiality. I think that is a good starting point.

But as jruth says, this may well not be that serious. and "Geoffrey Dahmer x 1000" isn't real honey. You have some unusual curiosity about sexuality, but in time that will evaporate probably. See a doc and let them help you be clearer on this. Don't be shy, write down bullet points of your problems (not an essay) so you can tell him/her more easily. Trust me, the doc won't have heard it often, but you won't be the first.
 
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fluttermouse

Guest
Not extending it to others is definitely the main thing for me. It's just horrible after you think of it, like two different people sharing a mind.

To answer your questions I've been in a few relationships I wouldn't count as serious in any real sense. One was about 2 years ago and when my parents were out he wanted to have sex. I was feeling nervous but decided to go along with it to see what would happen in reality; as you said it can be much different. To cut out any unnecessary details and keep this short I ended up finding it difficult to maintain an erection while fighting twisted urges to strangle him. I asked him to overpower me as a means of having less control (which he was probably rightfully relieved about) but after a while I told him to get off of me and ended it there.

I've never pursued anything like that since. To me I'm glad I wasn't able to become very aroused or else it would have been easier to give in and really hurt him. So I'm not sure if that will be the case and I'd be cautious about testing it again.

I'd hope it's a phase too but I have memories of sadism from even around 4 or 5 years old. To go into my most universally-relatable one I kind of liked Jack from the Titanic but when he was chained to the pole with the possibility of drowning that was what I was hoping for, oh dear. *hangs head in shame*

I already see a therapist but not for this, it's sort of what calypso suggested, about my emotional development and interaction with others. I could never imagine walking in and telling the poor woman about this though, or anyone for that matter.

Thank you jruth ^.^
 
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fluttermouse

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I think you may be correct, as I said to jruth I do have therapy right now that relates to my emotional development like how I interact with others in social environments etc. When I say I can't get professional help it's also in relation to that- I don't cope well with people I'm not familiar with and wouldn't be comfortable seeing someone for any problem on my own, at least not at first.

That's what they are trying to help me with, just everyday things like the inevitability of having to communicate with the post office woman and tell the doctor about strange paraphilia.

Thanks, I'll get to your PM. :)
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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The great thing is you recognize this and want to fix it, Jeffrey damhar recognized it and acted on it. You are different you can be helped, if you weren't a good person you would be cutting up small animals right now practicing for your first human.
 
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fluttermouse

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I think Jeffrey Dahmer intoxicated himself a bit before killing as to be able to act on it, but yeah you're right he did plan and act all the same; I do have some sympathy for him though. Hopefully it can be fixed, if not I do have a pretty strong will to not have others suffer for it.

Thanks for your words Cassandra ^.^
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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Also be careful what you fill your head with, if you are reading a thousand books on serial killers and watching every special and movie about them that might fuck you up a lot. I filled my head with spy and CIA shit, guess what when I got paranoia who was coming after me? If you are truly interested in subjects like that it has to come from a place of logic. And is this a cry for help because you are being abused in some form?
 
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fluttermouse

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I used to read a lot about serial killers but my only motivation was that I enjoyed learning about the methods they used on their victims, things like that. So my fucked-up-ness led me there and not the other way around. That was a few years ago, it's something I'd try to avoid now because having those things at the front of the mind is really no good and just helps trigger; as you said it wasn't coming from a genuine interest either.

Also, no, I am not being abused. I come from a fairly usual and loving family. There's nothing I can point to that caused this and for as long as I have got memories it's been the same. Thank you for the concern though.
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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You seem very intelligent and concerned for how you are. Sadly there are quasi legal things you could do with yourself, maybe become an interrogator for your country's intelligence services. Its sad that you realise that a normal relationship is not possible currently. If you want to try to normalize so to speak, be open and honest. Seek a professional just ease into it, if you throw it all out there at once they could lock you up.
 
D

Dissatisfied

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I question how young you are because you don't write like someone who is young enough to have parent supervision - I assume you are a lot older than what you state.

Secondly, I would get this sorted out now, and get treatment before you feel compelled to act it out. This isn't about romance and love, it feels like this is more about getting off on seeing another in pain, in fear. This no doubt gives you a thrill, not the actual act of sex.

A lot of people who get off on abusing others do so because they have been abused themselves and rather than stay a victim, they prefer to become the abuser, I strongly suggest counselling, psychotherapy, before you spend a life downloading rape and a string of court cases and prison, because if you don't get help, your need for this will get stronger and you might end up pushing the boundaries more and more until you abuse someone.

Having said that, many abusers do not admit to abusing anyone and then you find out that it is hundreds, the way I see it, you have two directions in life, but it's up to you to decide which is the right path.

Don't assume on here that you will find people who will want to reassure you and tell you what you are doing is okay, the way i see it, you are at risk of possibly abusing others if not already done so.
 
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fluttermouse

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I don't think I could allow myself to do that work, it's terribly ironic but I don't believe in it at all. I'm actually interested in justice issues and am active there. My studying is related to that too. :)

Though if that wasn't the case I'd still have concern of finding release there. These people can get away with anything, it really is a job for sadists to torture legally. No doubt it'd feel "good" in some ways, I won't deny that: but it would likely make things worse. It's harder to respect the rights of others or even acknowledge them when you spend your time actually whacking people against a concrete wall.

Yeah, I'm not very impulsive and do trust myself with others but it doesn't seem worth the risk to almost experiment on them. Hopefully I'll be able to sort this out without professional help because it's really not something I'm tempted to bring up to family. Can you be locked up for thinking? I assumed they'd need proof of planning at least.
 
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fluttermouse

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Seventeen, that to me is pretty young. Sorry if you were mislead; although keep in mind people of all ages write differently. I live with my parents and need help with everyday social situations and anxiety which means I would likely have to involve them if seeking professional help.

I recognise this is not about romance and love, it is a distorted perception of it perhaps. You are correct in your defining but my personal response is at least relating it to sex.

Also I am not an abuser and don't believe the situation is so black and white. I have no videos of rape or any intention of spending time in prison for this, my life is more than sadism.

I know others with the same issues who don't care to change so long as they have a firm grip on reality and separate thought from action. They encouraged me to accept fantasies are not crimes- the only problem is how it affects me.

The reason I asked here is because I do have a problem with it and want it to stop. I don't need reassurance from others I need to be comfortable within myself.
 
calypso

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I'm afraid I have had to close fluttermouse's account as he is underage for the forum. But I wanted him to know that we do take his needs seriously.

Best of luck honey. We used to suggest TheSite.org, but its closed now. So does anyone know any other site for underage people with MH difficulties which might help him? Make sure they are reputable as I don't want a youngster pushed into the wrong kind of help. I have suggested YoungMinds already.

Thanks people. xxx
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
think is with these forums, you can be anyone, any age, and pretend to be a lot younger, a lot of people do this, I've re-read what he wrote a few times, and I doubt he/she is only 17 - but anyway, whoever he is, he needs help, some people just get off on writing their fantases on a blog - James Bulger's killer did the same, pretended he was a mother with an 8 year old and went on forum's such as this one, to talk to women with children to get photographs of their kids - it would be naive not to think that this forum is immune from stuff like this
 
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