Sociopaths: do you always have to run?

[Essa]

I've got a sticky situation, and I'm interested in hearing feedback for a decision I'm going to have to make. I'll attempt to give a detailed picture, and I thank you for reading...

A few months back I met a man who is extremely charming. He's a lot of fun to hang out with, and we enjoy many of the same activities. He's also very intelligent, and we're able to have intense conversations. I don't meet people this stimulating very often, so it would be nice to keep him in my life.

Having said that, it is apparent to me that he is a sociopath. He has these grandiose views of himself. His career goals never come to fruition. He has said that he sometimes believes that he's the smartest person he knows. He readily admits that he does not care about the wellbeing of anyone but himself, and cannot empathize with others or care when they are hurting. He lies constantly, and takes advantage of others' generosity. He interchanges the words lie and control. They're one and the same to him. He's cheated on all of his girlfriends, and admits that he will do it again. He floats from place to place, depending on what opportunities present themselves. From what I can tell, he leads a completely parasitic lifestyle.

The thing is, I figured he was a sociopath almost immediately because I'm an RN and have educated myself to the best of my ability on this condition and other personality disorders. I let him lie to me, and put on his show for a while as we built a friendship, if you can even call it that. I kept him at a distance, but let him get to know me. One day I told him that I knew what he was doing and asked him if he'd ever been told that he was a sociopath. He told me that he was already self diagnosed. He now claims that since now he knows I can see through him and know what he is, he no longer has any reason to try to "control" me. I of course take this as simply another lie.

Unfortunately, not a whole lot is known about the inner workings of the sociopath, despite the fact that they make up as much as 4% or more of the population. I'm a ridiculously curious individual, and when I come across something I don't understand, I try to learn as much as possible and get to know it inside and out. I have Asperger's syndrome if that explains anything. He is mentally stimulating for me, both due to his intellect and his personality disorder that I cannot relate to. I enjoy my time with him because of that. He also seems to enjoy the attention I pay to him, and the interest I take in his thoughts and motives, so it's a win win situation in that respect.

Some people believe that one of the best ways to infuriate a sociopath is to get underneath the facade. At this point, from what I've gathered it appears as though he has no fixed identity and is deeply confused and ambivalent. It fascinates me. I wonder if I will end up hurt in the end for keeping this up? He certainly doesn't appear infuriated; it's quite the opposite. He seems to enjoy my interest and questions, and readily shares the answers with me. He appears almost relieved that a person has discovered that he is sociopathic, yet is still interested in speaking with him.

What I'm looking for here is a modified friendship. No emotional attachment and no trust. No putting myself in a situation that would potentially give him control over me. A relationship based purely on logic and intellectual conversation. Am I just being incredibly naive here (as per usual), or could there be more benefit than risk from this type of relationship?

Does anyone here with experience with sociopathy have any insight? Should I simply run like all of the literature out there recommends? I'd rather not have to do that. I'd compare this almost to bull riding, sans the offensive cruelty to animals. The guy by nature wants to chew me up and spit me out, but I'll stay one step ahead because the ride would be worth it. I just want to know if it's possible. Thanks again for reading.

 

[ms_P]

Hi Essa,
My answer is not as long as your explanation/question, but it's this:
I would save myself and not look back if I were you.
Yes, I've known at least 2 sociopaths in my life. Don't be fooled into thinking anything good will come of it or that you wont be hurt, IMO.
Take care.
xxx

 

[Essa]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the advice and will keep that in mind.

 

[penelope]

sociopath

Only you can decide what you want to do. I have aways followed my heart but with sociopaths things twist to the dark side dramatically. If he is in control either with continual support or medication you will know the answer yourself. I was there two years ago and had no knowledge so it was very traumatic. As you say you are aware. Good luck x

 

[Essa]

Thanks for the support Penelope. I've gone ahead and severed contact with this fellow after a few more frightening conversations with him. It's become clear that he truly does not have a fixed character/personality, and is quite unstable. He is who he wants to be in the moment, and that is whoever will get him ahead. You could ask him the same question on different days and get drastically different answers, and it's not always because he's lying. Sometimes he honestly doesn't know the truth. He's become lost in the layers of fabrication that he spent a lifetime building up to the point that he can no longer differentiate between his stories and reality. More importantly, he sees no reason to make that differentiation since he gets away with it and his life is so much better in his imagination.

Not to mention it pains me severely to watch this guy string along multiple oblivious women through his mess. It's not like I can just go up to them all and announce my assessment of his psyche, because that generally doesn't go over too well

I realized that as far as learning goes, I'm better off finding a good book. Less dangerous and easier to read

 

[penelope]

good for you

ha ha ha made me laugh about the book. A bit hard around the edges, I find. You seem a very warm and friendly person and deserve mutual respect. There is always someone for everyone or so I am told.
My man made out to be rich and bought me things. He often said things that would make me question myself and because of my insecurities/vulnerability I accepted them. He made himself out to be a very sucessful person. He started to hear voices one day and started to shiver and sweat. I called the crisis team and they couldnt get him a hospital bed. I had to stay allnight with him in this state. Halfway through the night I phoned the crisis team and said look we have to tell you he is a dangerous man. I was horrified. How could this be?
In the morning I got him dressed and said we would go for a walk. When I was far enough from home I called the police. I was scared and they took us to the police station. I never showed any emotion in case he turned on me.
I went home and he wanted to come to my home when he left. He had pretended to be ill because he had run out of money. The police kept him away from me. How scary that was.
But in life we have to live by our mistakes and I really am glad you have closed that chapter. I really do wish you luck x

 

[Violet1979]

I've got a sticky situation, and I'm interested in hearing feedback for a decision I'm going to have to make. I'll attempt to give a detailed picture, and I thank you for reading...

A few months back I met a man who is extremely charming. He's a lot of fun to hang out with, and we enjoy many of the same activities. He's also very intelligent, and we're able to have intense conversations. I don't meet people this stimulating very often, so it would be nice to keep him in my life.

Having said that, it is apparent to me that he is a sociopath. He has these grandiose views of himself. His career goals never come to fruition. He has said that he sometimes believes that he's the smartest person he knows. He readily admits that he does not care about the wellbeing of anyone but himself, and cannot empathize with others or care when they are hurting. He lies constantly, and takes advantage of others' generosity. He interchanges the words lie and control. They're one and the same to him. He's cheated on all of his girlfriends, and admits that he will do it again. He floats from place to place, depending on what opportunities present themselves. From what I can tell, he leads a completely parasitic lifestyle.

The thing is, I figured he was a sociopath almost immediately because I'm an RN and have educated myself to the best of my ability on this condition and other personality disorders. I let him lie to me, and put on his show for a while as we built a friendship, if you can even call it that. I kept him at a distance, but let him get to know me. One day I told him that I knew what he was doing and asked him if he'd ever been told that he was a sociopath. He told me that he was already self diagnosed. He now claims that since now he knows I can see through him and know what he is, he no longer has any reason to try to "control" me. I of course take this as simply another lie.

Unfortunately, not a whole lot is known about the inner workings of the sociopath, despite the fact that they make up as much as 4% or more of the population. I'm a ridiculously curious individual, and when I come across something I don't understand, I try to learn as much as possible and get to know it inside and out. I have Asperger's syndrome if that explains anything. He is mentally stimulating for me, both due to his intellect and his personality disorder that I cannot relate to. I enjoy my time with him because of that. He also seems to enjoy the attention I pay to him, and the interest I take in his thoughts and motives, so it's a win win situation in that respect.

Some people believe that one of the best ways to infuriate a sociopath is to get underneath the facade. At this point, from what I've gathered it appears as though he has no fixed identity and is deeply confused and ambivalent. It fascinates me. I wonder if I will end up hurt in the end for keeping this up? He certainly doesn't appear infuriated; it's quite the opposite. He seems to enjoy my interest and questions, and readily shares the answers with me. He appears almost relieved that a person has discovered that he is sociopathic, yet is still interested in speaking with him.

What I'm looking for here is a modified friendship. No emotional attachment and no trust. No putting myself in a situation that would potentially give him control over me. A relationship based purely on logic and intellectual conversation. Am I just being incredibly naive here (as per usual), or could there be more benefit than risk from this type of relationship?

Does anyone here with experience with sociopathy have any insight? Should I simply run like all of the literature out there recommends? I'd rather not have to do that. I'd compare this almost to bull riding, sans the offensive cruelty to animals. The guy by nature wants to chew me up and spit me out, but I'll stay one step ahead because the ride would be worth it. I just want to know if it's possible. Thanks again for reading.

Yes you will get hurt if you stick around. I understand the attraction and allure that you have for this person but you know who he is and what he is. You know he is not a genuine person and you know inevitably he will hurt you deeply. You're intelligence and intuition to see the signs so soon is a good quality but your intelligence and curiosity is drawing you in to want to understand more about this man. But there is nothing more to know, you know what and who he is. Don't play his game because you will only end up hurt, bitter and angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. You will never win against a sociopath. Walk away now while you can. I wasted 6 years of my life with a man like this. He can't ever love you and even if you think you're one step ahead you aren't. I know you'll do it anyway so keep friends and family close and don't lose yourself. Good luck

 

[albie]

As long as he's not borrowing money off you or sleeping on your couch I wouldn't be too anxious.