I appreciate your honesty here missme,in saying that you were never diagnosed.I'm not saying if you went and sought a diagnosis of PTSD you wouldn't get one but if you were able to recover from it by doing two courses and watching youtube videos I can say with almost certainty it's not,or wasn't.
And that's a good thing that you were able to recover from what you were experiencing and it didn't develop into full blown PTSD.I seriously wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well...maybe I would).I spend so much time and effort pulling myself back up after being triggered and experiencing symptoms.It's like trying to build myself back up after being in bed with the flu for a week or two.It's so mentally and physically exhausting.And then I recover and start feeling good again and along comes another trigger and it all starts over again.It's never ending but I have accepted this is how my life will always be.I hope to get myself pulled back up enough to where I'm not triggered so easily or often again.I do believe I will get there eventually.
I've been struggling with agoraphobia a lot, lately.
I thought about starting a thread. But you having already started one, I thought I'd share what I'm going through.
I really appreciate your story; I love the way you 'talk'.
In the beginning, my diagnosis was PTSD without agoraphobia. That was the diagnosis; they added the 'without agoraphobia' because I wasn't willing to stay still. I moved frequently. I had to; my alcoholism was so severe that if I didn't move constantly, I'd end up in jail for alcohol-related crime.
Here we are now. I've since quit drinking. I just went through a medication change. I grieved and hurt for the change. And now I'm stuck right where I'm sitting.
I need groceries but I know I'm not going to go for them until I absolutely have to. I want to go to the gym but I know I won't do that either; maybe if I get lonely, being around people I don't have to interact with seems to help with that. To be honest, it doesn't take much when I'm lonely to make me not lonely.
I get this feeling like I'm embarrassed to be alive, when I'm around people. Like I have no right to exist. And I can't turn it off. I didn't choose it. It's damaging and it's chronic. I have complex PTSD. It's complex because of how deeply it's ingrained into the way I was raised and nurtured. I don't know any better. I don't know how to learn to not be this way.
There are times when I'm completely and utterly grateful for what I have; I really feel that there's not too many times in history that all the conditions are completely and absolutely right for a person like me to turn out as blessed as I am. I have, absolutely, everything I need and more than I want.
But there are times, too, when I really just dread interacting with anyone. People can be as absolutely random as they randomly choose to be. I mean, anyone. I don't want to talk to any store clerks, I don't want to say 'hi' to my neighbors when I walk outside, I don't want to anything.
Dunno why I'm so blessed. Just talked to a friend for a while about being crazy. I'm just going to put some stuff in a bag and go to the gym.