- Mar 23, 2019
Having first experienced anxiety 5 years ago, I always think it went away and comes back now and again. The truth is that at times I have forgotten that I even have anxiety and I feel so lucky to be able to say that. But when I really think about it, since I first started experiencing my worst symptoms, I don’t think I’ve ever really been the same person. The general anxiety I experience now is in fact much worse than the anxiety I experienced when I first suffered with it, not by severity of the anxiety itself but of the amount of situations I now find myself unable to cope with. I now find it almost impossible to go out socially unless it is with people I know very very well. I avoid most social situations, I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t like not feeling in control and because during my worst months with anxiety I was unable to eat or keep anything down so with 1 drink of alcohol I would vomit. At the moment I live in a bubble where I tell myself and other people that the reason I’m not sociable is because I’m very busy with work (true) and I’m trying to save money (only half true). The main reason is that the mere thought of going anywhere where I might have to interact with people I don’t know is so exhausting that I just can’t face having to do it for real. Whenever my boyfriend invites me anywhere I’m stuck in a constant battle of wanting to go because we never go out together and not wanting to go because the thought makes me so anxious. I don’t know his friends from work very well because I get so anxious of what they think of me that I always avoid being in a situation where we need to interact. This is now becoming a problem as it’s been so long now that it’s even stranger that I don’t know them (very small workplace) and I always say I’ll come and then flake. He doesn’t understand my anxiety despite telling me he takes it seriously. I also can’t go anywhere unless I’m with the person I’m meeting or they meet me beforehand. I cannot physically go somewhere to meet someone if they aren’t there first and they need to meet me outside because I cannot go in alone. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic with this or if it is possible to feel so normal yet struggle with the thought of having to actually socialise with other people? I don’t know if this is linked to my previous anxiety issues or if this is just me being silly.