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Social Anxiety. Still living with parents at 29

Y

yewotc90

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
84
Hi everyone,

Posting because I'm struggling. Have depression and social anxiety, which I've struggled with since I was 18

I'm 29 years old, 2 close friends don't get to see much since moving 2 and half hours away, no boyfriend (due to the SA), couple of jobs I have had just worsened anxiety and had to give them up, haven't left home yet

Had a health scare with my mum recently, GP referred under 2 week pathway for suspected 'C', thankfully consultant at hospital has said she can stop worrying as it's not that. The experience has resurfaced my worries about parents/brother dying and myself dying. I've worried alot about my own death since a kid but no one can really allieavate my worries as no one can say what dying is like

Amother worry now after reading allsorts on the internet is my 'biological clock' ticking. Now feeling like if I ever want a husband or kids there's a big rush on or I'll be alone forever, so that's got me panicking. And with my anxiety I can't even get a boyfriend 🙈

I've had a course of CBT with a therapist for the social anxiety but didn't find it helped much. On top of that, therapist thinks alongside the social anxiety there's a huge amount of generalised anxiety which I could go back for another course of CBT to try and treat that but it didn't work for the social anxiety, so I don't know 😞

13 days until Christmas, and not even feeling in the festive spirit. I did say that to my dad the other day and he suggested I go with him/mum & brother for their Christmas catch up weekend with old friends back in our old town, seems like a nice idea but I feel like I can't because I need to fix my life

29, soon to be 30 in 5 months and feel like my life is over, especially with this new fear of my 'biological clock' ticking away. Even if it takes another year or 2 to get the help or treatment I need for my anxiety is there still time for me to make a life and have a family? Turn 32 and fingers crossed, another 2/3 years until egg quality declines

Is there any shame in still living with my parents at 29? They're mid to late 50s but the most supportive in the world. Dad, bless his heart, took me out tonight and treated me to a new fish tank - took my mind off my worries for a bit ❤ Setting it up tomorrow night with him so looking forward to that ☺
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
337
Location
England
You just need to accept yourself, as you are, right now, and accept your situation. You have goals and dreams like the rest of us, but cannot see how you are ever going to get them at the moment.

I felt the same as you did, i eventually moved out and am happy in my flat with my kitten. It was the right thing to do for me and changed my life for the better. I needed that independence because they i didn't worry as much. I was too close to my family and too dependent on them. I still feel anxious but have become stronger and more confident too. I know people who are not well and happily live with family and there is nothing wrong with living at home. People often used to live at home, often even if they married and had kids, they still stayed at home. My grandma did and she said she wished she had never left. For me it didn't work as me and mum argued, but if home is happy, it is fine to stay, but independence removes lots of that anxiety.

Meeting people usually comes via work and evening classes, in pubs with friends, but not everybody is happy with that kind of social life.

There are many people who are not married and don't have children, i would guess a vast majority of people on this forum are single and childless. It seems to go hand in hand with mental health and is very sad, but sometimes that happens to people. I know so many couples who have tried for babies for so long and it never happened for them. I also have relatives and friends who have had cancer and died, and some who have children and amazing lives, who are now going through chemo and all that worry. I know people who have disabled children and those who have miscarried, whose children have died young due to illness. Children who have had cancer. We all have that dream of the ideal but not many achieve it. People divorce so often. Life is very hard for so many people.

I am telling you that because i tell myself that. I have been through the biological clock thing, i can still have children probably, but am way past 35 now. Maybe i will meet my husband at 50. I am sad i won't be a young bride, pregnant, dress up a baby, but i know that my mental health would make that really hard on me, but most importantly a child. I feel that if it were meant to be it would have happened. I also know i am always looking for a good man but if i won the lottery i would pay for sperm donation and have a baby myself. I would do that if i had the money. If i met a man i liked now, i wouldn't use protection, but i also think if i got pregnant, i would be terrified and unable to cope with moving for one thing. I cannot work, so would be on benefits, and benefits are so stressful too. You could move back home with a baby but i couldn;t.

If you are lucky enough to meet someone, i wouldn't use protection, but not tell the man. Naughty but if you want a baby, it might be a good idea. Your family would help you.

How do you find a man? dating sits are stressful, i have done that, but it wouldn't hurt to go on and see who is there as i met a few nice men. You could do some courses or classes, go to a gym, swimming regularly. Any routine will help you to make friends and possibly boyfriends.

Most of all you should accept what will be will be. You can do things to make your dream life more possible, but ultimately, if you fail, you will be not be the only one who has that sadness. I have a kitten, had a cat previously, and they bring such joy and also you are caring for a baby, it feels like that, they see us as their mum. It sounds pathetic to some people but i think most women need someone to look after and living on your own can be amazing, but lonely too.

I hope you get what you dream of, but just take life one day at a time. I think independence from family will help you with that anxiety over them dying. They will die one day as we all will, and you will cope.
 
Y

yewotc90

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
84
You just need to accept yourself, as you are, right now, and accept your situation. You have goals and dreams like the rest of us, but cannot see how you are ever going to get them at the moment.

I felt the same as you did, i eventually moved out and am happy in my flat with my kitten. It was the right thing to do for me and changed my life for the better. I needed that independence because they i didn't worry as much. I was too close to my family and too dependent on them. I still feel anxious but have become stronger and more confident too. I know people who are not well and happily live with family and there is nothing wrong with living at home. People often used to live at home, often even if they married and had kids, they still stayed at home. My grandma did and she said she wished she had never left. For me it didn't work as me and mum argued, but if home is happy, it is fine to stay, but independence removes lots of that anxiety.

Meeting people usually comes via work and evening classes, in pubs with friends, but not everybody is happy with that kind of social life.

There are many people who are not married and don't have children, i would guess a vast majority of people on this forum are single and childless. It seems to go hand in hand with mental health and is very sad, but sometimes that happens to people. I know so many couples who have tried for babies for so long and it never happened for them. I also have relatives and friends who have had cancer and died, and some who have children and amazing lives, who are now going through chemo and all that worry. I know people who have disabled children and those who have miscarried, whose children have died young due to illness. Children who have had cancer. We all have that dream of the ideal but not many achieve it. People divorce so often. Life is very hard for so many people.

I am telling you that because i tell myself that. I have been through the biological clock thing, i can still have children probably, but am way past 35 now. Maybe i will meet my husband at 50. I am sad i won't be a young bride, pregnant, dress up a baby, but i know that my mental health would make that really hard on me, but most importantly a child. I feel that if it were meant to be it would have happened. I also know i am always looking for a good man but if i won the lottery i would pay for sperm donation and have a baby myself. I would do that if i had the money. If i met a man i liked now, i wouldn't use protection, but i also think if i got pregnant, i would be terrified and unable to cope with moving for one thing. I cannot work, so would be on benefits, and benefits are so stressful too. You could move back home with a baby but i couldn;t.

If you are lucky enough to meet someone, i wouldn't use protection, but not tell the man. Naughty but if you want a baby, it might be a good idea. Your family would help you.

How do you find a man? dating sits are stressful, i have done that, but it wouldn't hurt to go on and see who is there as i met a few nice men. You could do some courses or classes, go to a gym, swimming regularly. Any routine will help you to make friends and possibly boyfriends.

Most of all you should accept what will be will be. You can do things to make your dream life more possible, but ultimately, if you fail, you will be not be the only one who has that sadness. I have a kitten, had a cat previously, and they bring such joy and also you are caring for a baby, it feels like that, they see us as their mum. It sounds pathetic to some people but i think most women need someone to look after and living on your own can be amazing, but lonely too.

I hope you get what you dream of, but just take life one day at a time. I think independence from family will help you with that anxiety over them dying. They will die one day as we all will, and you will cope.
Hi ☺ I think with the independence from family, I'd struggle with that right now. I'm in debt so my credit rating is shot, ashamed to say I went though a gambling habit. I'm on ESA and paying back a tiny amount per month. I think living on my own at the moment I'd end up more socially isolated than I am now, at least at present I have the company of parents/brother

There is little things I've started like I know I need to lose weight, as does my dad so we've both started slimming world - lost 10lb myself so far, long way to go but it's a start. Both motivating each other

I'm not sure if thinking about moment 'biological clock' is partly down to my fear of worrying about dying myself, whether I need treatment to get over that fear somehow 🙈

I know everyone is different - the only thing giving me hope is my gran had my dad at 31 and I'm just 29 at the moment. And then thinking about a friend who's had 2 kids at 33/34 so sort of giving me hope I still have time to get treatment and then look at dating - I don't know is it a rubbish plan to do it that way? I think dating at the moment, my anxiety would get in the way

Just feel at the moment I can't even enjoy Christmas with so many worries. Or do I enjoy Christmas for now and then make a plan for the new year
 
Valka

Valka

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
383
Location
England (NW)
Hi everyone,

Posting because I'm struggling. Have depression and social anxiety, which I've struggled with since I was 18

I'm 29 years old, 2 close friends don't get to see much since moving 2 and half hours away, no boyfriend (due to the SA), couple of jobs I have had just worsened anxiety and had to give them up, haven't left home yet

Had a health scare with my mum recently, GP referred under 2 week pathway for suspected 'C', thankfully consultant at hospital has said she can stop worrying as it's not that. The experience has resurfaced my worries about parents/brother dying and myself dying. I've worried alot about my own death since a kid but no one can really allieavate my worries as no one can say what dying is like

Amother worry now after reading allsorts on the internet is my 'biological clock' ticking. Now feeling like if I ever want a husband or kids there's a big rush on or I'll be alone forever, so that's got me panicking. And with my anxiety I can't even get a boyfriend 🙈

I've had a course of CBT with a therapist for the social anxiety but didn't find it helped much. On top of that, therapist thinks alongside the social anxiety there's a huge amount of generalised anxiety which I could go back for another course of CBT to try and treat that but it didn't work for the social anxiety, so I don't know 😞

13 days until Christmas, and not even feeling in the festive spirit. I did say that to my dad the other day and he suggested I go with him/mum & brother for their Christmas catch up weekend with old friends back in our old town, seems like a nice idea but I feel like I can't because I need to fix my life

29, soon to be 30 in 5 months and feel like my life is over, especially with this new fear of my 'biological clock' ticking away. Even if it takes another year or 2 to get the help or treatment I need for my anxiety is there still time for me to make a life and have a family? Turn 32 and fingers crossed, another 2/3 years until egg quality declines

Is there any shame in still living with my parents at 29? They're mid to late 50s but the most supportive in the world. Dad, bless his heart, took me out tonight and treated me to a new fish tank - took my mind off my worries for a bit ❤ Setting it up tomorrow night with him so looking forward to that ☺
Well I can relate to some things you say. I've turned 30 almost four months ago now.
I live with my parents and am in a similar situation as yourself with my social anxiety. I have tried CBT one time but that didn't work very well for me and my situation.

I came out of a long distance engagement around a year ago now with someone I had planned to start a family with. So that knocked my confidence somewhat, plus I noticed that I was nearing my late 20's and pretty much everyone else I knew around my age had settled down, had children or were getting married.
So I just figured that I will try and focus on bettering myself. That I wouldn't be likely to meet anyone if I just sat in my bedroom for a few years doing nothing. So now I'm just going to focus on getting fit and keeping at a good weight. Not having sugary snacks and such. It gives me something to strive for.

While being a guy I don't have the whole biological clock issue. I have had experience with a woman in her late 30's on a Penpal site who seemed to be rushing to have children.
I advised her that it would be better to wait and find a good man you'd want to have a child with as opposed to rushing and just having a child because you wanted to hurry it along.

Just think that by living with your parents that the money you give to them for rent / keep is going to the family as opposed to some rich landlord. Your family cares for you and you're helping them also in that way.

Sorry if this post didn't help much. Just felt compeled to reply.
 
S

sanrio01

Member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
11
Location
USA
I'm afraid that SA is not something that doctors can treat. It's more of like a trust issue with people or maybe fear of being misjudged. The solution could be a change of mindset or be into more positive thinking. In Asian countries though the children lives with their parents until they got married. I believe its better for you to stay with your loved ones than live alone as that could make you feel depressed. For work patience and endurance is the key. For romance give yourself until 35. And you might wanna check out drjsllc.com some people are using those products for treating anxiety, pain and stuff. Just a suggestion.
 
hicks

hicks

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2019
Messages
1,709
Location
A galaxy, far far away..
I'm afraid that SA is not something that doctors can treat
I do agree there. SA is something (in my experience) that becomes less of an issue over time, but unfortunately you have to live with it. I think it's intrinsically linked to your personality, which of course you can't change. You can find ways to become a little more relaxed.

The OP is in a similar situation to my daughter, who has ASD, OCD and anxiety. I can't see her being able to live away from home at this time. The plan is for her to live at home while studying at a local university campus. I'm happy for her to stay with us, not a problem. Basically if you're not in a state to live on your own at this point, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents.

As to the biological clock ticking, well there's still plenty of time for you. we didn't have our first child until our early 30's, and our second child 8 years later.
There's plenty of time for you to meet someone special and have a family.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
8,061
Location
hiding behind the sofa
I agree with hicks in that you can learn to live with social anxiety but its up to you ho much you let it affect your day to day life.
Have you had therapy for you SA and in what way does it affect you. Can you do the routine things like shopping or is it more socialising that causes the problem.
You need to find out where this anxiety has stemmed from and work on it from there. I know what has caused mine but all sorts of CBT has only helped a little. Now there trying to get to the root cause and work on building my confidence from there. I would love to be invited to a party and not have to make an excuse not to go or have to medicate myself before i leave the house.
What you can do for yourself is set small targets and do them for a week and see if that helps. Something like going for a short walk every day. If like me you dont like going outside it will be a task but by the end of the week it will be easier:hug:
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
337
Location
England
Hi ☺ I think with the independence from family, I'd struggle with that right now. I'm in debt so my credit rating is shot, ashamed to say I went though a gambling habit. I'm on ESA and paying back a tiny amount per month. I think living on my own at the moment I'd end up more socially isolated than I am now, at least at present I have the company of parents/brother

There is little things I've started like I know I need to lose weight, as does my dad so we've both started slimming world - lost 10lb myself so far, long way to go but it's a start. Both motivating each other

I'm not sure if thinking about moment 'biological clock' is partly down to my fear of worrying about dying myself, whether I need treatment to get over that fear somehow 🙈

I know everyone is different - the only thing giving me hope is my gran had my dad at 31 and I'm just 29 at the moment. And then thinking about a friend who's had 2 kids at 33/34 so sort of giving me hope I still have time to get treatment and then look at dating - I don't know is it a rubbish plan to do it that way? I think dating at the moment, my anxiety would get in the way

Just feel at the moment I can't even enjoy Christmas with so many worries. Or do I enjoy Christmas for now and then make a plan for the new year
As someone older, i personally wouldn't wait to get married and have a baby. I wish i'd have seriously got started at 25 like my friends and relatives did. The younger the better. I always said that this person or that person had a child at 40 or 42 but actually it is not common and not easy to get pregnant that late. That is just my advice i would give anyone i know, have a baby as soon as possible, don't wait. Too many people i know have been through IVF or just never got pregnant. I would even have a baby with a one night stand now, not that i have ever had one.

Your home life sounds good so i wouldn't move either if i had that. I am on ESA and living alone and it is nice to have my own space and see people when i choose. If you are happy, that is all that matters.
 
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