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Social Anxiety/ Anxiety, Depression, Depersonalization, Brain Fog

F

Frsm5

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2018
Messages
9
Hello,

I am 20 years old, taking some college courses and I am in need of help. I had to get home schooled my last year of high school because I got very bad migraines which I believe were caused by stress, anxiety, etc. Ever since I started college I have been struggling to get through courses for many reason. I'm sorry if this is messy and not organized but i'm just saying whats on my mind.

For the past year or two I have been very depersonalized. Nothing feels real a lot of the time, I just feel numb towards life. Its hard to feel any emotions besides sadness. I was in my home 99% of the time for about 2-3 years never felt like doing anything. Brain fog makes its extremely hard for me to be motivated or focus on any of my school work. Sometimes I don't even try to because I know I will be unable to. It really scares me that my brain just feels like it is shut off and I can't seem to turn it back on. I feel like I need to fix this before I can make any good progress with my anxiety and depression. I have been changing my life style the past month, exercising, getting more sleep, but I only see minimal change.

For the most of my life I have suffered from pretty bad anxiety, I don't think I ever accepted it or knew what it was until the past year or 2. It's been so bad recently the past couple years I can't even make eye contact with my own family and find it very hard to do so with friends/strangers as well. I am still in touch with my friends with high school see them every once in a while. But for the most part I haven't had much interaction the past couple years out of family. I just feel like shit about myself so much of the time.

I have done so much research on how to fix these problems and my life and a lot of people say you need to be yourself and not give a f*** what people think, but I haven't done this in such a long time that I almost don't even know who I am at this point. Like I don't know what I want to do with my life I never really did, the classes I take are just what was suggested to me by my parents. For most of my life I feel like I just have put on a somewhat fake personality just to fit into whatever crowd/ group I was with. It's almost as if I have forgotten who I am and it petrifies me that I cant really express myself.

Whenever I go to the store I know I should go to through the registers with workers there to get myself some exposure. I tell myself I am going to, but when I get there I might see someone I recognize and go straight to the self checkout.

More recently than usual I have been extremely depressed because of all the problems I have to deal with. Some days are better than others. Most of the time after I come home from my class I feel very anxious and depressed because I can never truly connect with people and I can't even pay attention in class. I can listen but everything goes in 1 ear and out the other. I have already wasted my parents money for a couple classes in the past that I have had to drop out from which they believe is just from my headaches. It's so hard for me to go through this alone. I can't tell my parents of family it will just make me feel worse and I'm not really close with any of my friends.

One of the reasons I have finally decided to seek help/ try to get better is there is this girl that I like that is the assistant at a bio feedback place I go for my headaches. I want to be able to connect with her and talk to her on a more personal level but most of the time I can't seem to do anything more than some small talk. I usually go about once or twice a week sometimes I can have a decent conversation with her and when I leave I feel amazing like nothing can stop me. Almost as if all my problems go away for some time. But more often then not I think in my mind I said something stupid or lack of saying anything and when I leave I feel like shit and more depressed. I know I am trying to change for myself but I am having a hard time accepting myself and loving myself.

I came here to get anonymous help because I have reached my breaking point. I'm not looking to get any medication. I rarely feel comfortable in my own skin, usually have very low self-confidence and have been socially awkward for most of my life. I needed to put my thoughts down somewhere because I can't bring myself to say these things to anyone I know. All of the help websites and online therapy cost money and to do so I would have to use my credit card which my mother would see eventually and I wouldn't want her to know about it. I really hope someone can give me some hope or guidance because I need to change things because I can't take being in this dark state of mind 24/7 anymore.

Thank you.
 
soulsearcher

soulsearcher

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 19, 2016
Messages
2,823
welcome to the forum :)
 
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