Social Anxiety/Anxiety, Depersonalization, Depression, Brain Fog

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Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
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Hello,

I am 20 years old, taking some college courses and I am in need of help. I had to get home schooled my last year of high school because I got very bad migraines which I believe were caused by stress, anxiety, etc. Ever since I started college I have been struggling to get through courses for many reason. I'm sorry if this is messy and not organized but i'm just saying whats on my mind.

For the past year or two I have been very depersonalized. Nothing feels real a lot of the time, I just feel numb towards life. Its hard to feel any emotions besides sadness. I was in my home 99% of the time for about 2-3 years never felt like doing anything. Brain fog makes its extremely hard for me to be motivated or focus on any of my school work. Sometimes I don't even try to because I know I will be unable to. It really scares me that my brain just feels like it is shut off and I can't seem to turn it back on. I feel like I need to fix this before I can make any good progress with my anxiety and depression. I have been changing my life style the past month, exercising, getting more sleep, but I only see minimal change.

For the most of my life I have suffered from pretty bad anxiety, I don't think I ever accepted it or knew what it was until the past year or 2. It's been so bad recently the past couple years I can't even make eye contact with my own family and find it very hard to do so with friends/strangers as well. I am still in touch with my friends with high school see them every once in a while. But for the most part I haven't had much interaction the past couple years out of family. I just feel like shit about myself so much of the time.

I have done so much research on how to fix these problems and my life and a lot of people say you need to be yourself and not give a f*** what people think, but I haven't done this in such a long time that I almost don't even know who I am at this point. Like I don't know what I want to do with my life I never really did, the classes I take are just what was suggested to me by my parents. For most of my life I feel like I just have put on a somewhat fake personality just to fit into whatever crowd/ group I was with. It's almost as if I have forgotten who I am and it petrifies me that I cant really express myself.

Whenever I go to the store I know I should go to through the registers with workers there to get myself some exposure. I tell myself I am going to, but when I get there I might see someone I recognize and go straight to the self checkout.

More recently than usual I have been extremely depressed because of all the problems I have to deal with. Some days are better than others. Most of the time after I come home from my class I feel very anxious and depressed because I can never truly connect with people and I can't even pay attention in class. I can listen but everything goes in 1 ear and out the other. I have already wasted my parents money for a couple classes in the past that I have had to drop out from which they believe is just from my headaches. It's so hard for me to go through this alone. I can't tell my parents of family it will just make me feel worse and I'm not really close with any of my friends.

One of the reasons I have finally decided to seek help/ try to get better is there is this girl that I like that is the assistant at a bio feedback place I go for my headaches. I want to be able to connect with her and talk to her on a more personal level but most of the time I can't seem to do anything more than some small talk. I usually go about once or twice a week sometimes I can have a decent conversation with her and when I leave I feel amazing like nothing can stop me. Almost as if all my problems go away for some time. But more often then not I think in my mind I said something stupid or lack of saying anything and when I leave I feel like shit and more depressed. I know I am trying to change for myself but I am having a hard time accepting myself and loving myself.

I came here to get anonymous help because I have reached my breaking point. I rarely feel comfortable in my own skin, usually have very low self-confidence and have been socially awkward for most of my life. I needed to put my thoughts down somewhere because I can't bring myself to say these things to anyone I know. All of the help websites and online therapy cost money and to do so I would have to use my credit card which my mother would see eventually and I wouldn't want her to know about it. I really hope someone can give me some hope or guidance because I need to change things because I can't take being in this dark state of mind 24/7 anymore.

Thank you.
 
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F

Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
Messages
9
Thank you for replying,

could you give me a direct link to this audio book I'm not sure exactly which one you are talking about.

Thanks.
 
F

Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
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Thank you I will try this...
 
F

Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
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Does anyone else have any advice? I am very concerned about not getting better...
 
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Idkdude

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Oct 14, 2018
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Long reply

Hey whatsup,
im also 20 and i share most of your experiences however i think mine aren´t nearly as severe^^

I also used to go to college until i dropped out and i have to say college was horrible for my anxiety. Coming from a village with 1500 people into a city with over a million was a really scary and overwhelming change especially since at the time i started college i was at a fairly bad place mentally. Also the choice of my study wasn´t motivated by what i wanted to do but rather i just picked something so i studied something. I get the feeling this was the same for you.

Recently i think i am winning my battle with anxiety so maybe what worked for me can work for you or even just inspire you.

The biggest and most important thing was believing in myself. It sounds stupid but let me explain:
So before i "believed in myself" i constantly was of the opinion that i just couldnt face certain situations. Deep down i knew i theoretically can face them and its just my anxiety holding me back. And what worked for me was realizing that my anxiety was self induced.
I would only get anxiety when i expected something to give me anxiety. or when i had the time in a social situation to let my mind race and worry about whatever.
But whenever i didnt have time to even let my mind go race my anxiety didnt kick in.
When the situation was over and i didnt have an anxiety attack i afterwards felt amazing since, well i just faced a challenge i (had i had the time to worry about) thought i couldnt face.

This realization really set in after i dropped out and started working in a retail shop where i constantly had to interact with people.
During this time i would get anxiety whenever 2 or 3 or more people were in line and i (as a cashier) had to cash them out (??? English isnt my first language XD).
And this situation came every hour or so. So every hour i would get an anxiety attack.
For me my anxiety attacks consist mostly of reaaaally intense sweating. Like youd think i just lost 40% of my bodys water reserve after seeing me sweat.
And tthen my sweat would be bothering me so much and stressing me out so much because i thought if people noticed my sweat they would know of my anxiety. They would know im not the confident guy id like to be and i sort of always, more or less unintentionally pose myself as. The stress of this dilemma caused me to sweat more and more and more. SO its like getting worse because of itself.

Before i was faced with this every hour in work i was 100%convinced that once i started to sweat i just couldnt recover and always felt completely exposed.
But in work you dont have time to think about that. Cause even if you sweat like a waterfall and feel completely exposed you still have to keep working. So i always worked in wet, sweaty clothes and therefore didnt have a good time for the first few weeks of this job.

But after some time i got used to my sweating and it didn´t bother me all that much anymore. Thats when i realized that i was stronger than my anxiety. Because even though i still had my anxiety attacks i was able to not let them affect me all that much.

Now first of all id like to say that i believe that you (and everyone stuggling with anxiety) can beat their anxiety and is stronger than it. YOu may have it a lot harder than me. But i truly and deeply believe that you can get to a point where you think you are stronger than your anxiety.

Its allso important to note that i am not cured of my anxiety. I still regularly have anxiety attacks and they are affecting more than they did in work. But i dont let that pull me down. Because i know the road to "healing" my anxiety is very long and has a lot of ups and downs. Because thats just how life is. One day you feel like shit one day like god. One day you can confidently talk to a girl and even flirt, the other day you cant even talk with your best friend without being anxious.


SO lets get back to topic cause i sort of drifted of a bit there...
Believing in yourself.
The key to winning against anxiety (at least for me possibly for more) is to not be afraid of it. That sounds impossible i know. But you achieve that by believing that you can face a situation you previously thought you couldnt. And to get to that point you just need to face these situations. They might end with your anxiety winning. But that shouldnt discourage you. YOu should try again. And when you try often enough one day before you even notice it you actually are under control of your anxiety. At least for that one situation you just faced. But thats enough for now. You now know that you can beat your anxiety. You just need to practice. And practice a lot.

Practice will suck.
You will want to give up.
You might want to cut yourself off from all other people and just live inside and watch youtube or whatever. thats how it was for me at least.

But i promise you that will only give you enjoyment and no fullfilment. And enjoyment is enough to satisfy you for some time but a live without fullfilment isnt noteworthy. This might be heavily influenced by my personal opinion but whatever.

I think ive lost track of my point again.


Im gonna stop writing for now since i dont even know if you could follow my thoughts . its late where i am right now XD. And if you could follow them whether they helped you or you would like to hear them.

If you would like me to share more of my experiences or advice or have any questions about literally anything i would love to write a long ass reply again :)

ALso please let me know if this was even sort of helpful. and also feel free to share advice you have discovered for yourself.


With the kindest regards

Idkdude


#420blazeit
 
F

Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
Messages
9
Thank you for the reply. I certainly understand what you are saying. I have been taking a lot of steps recently to try to get better recently. I was thinking about getting a job at a grocery store where a couple of my friends work but idk if I’m ready for that yet. So I signed up for a dog walking app. I just hope I can somewhat decrease my anxiety until I can stop depersonalization, which is mainly caused by anxiety, so I can hit head on with anxiety.
 
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Idkdude

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Oct 14, 2018
Messages
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Thats good the main thing is to keep trying. If you do that eventually itll get better.
Why do you think you might not be ready for a job there?
And how does a dog walking app work lol :p

Also sorry for the late reply :/

I cant really help that much with depersonalization though i did feel like i didnt have a real personality at some point. This feeling sort of just went away and im very glad about that. It might have something to do with the fact that i "found a purpose" for myself in life.
See even though it sounds foolish i want to be a rapper/musician. That is the most important goal in my life right now. I feel like music in general is my lifeline.
Do you have anything like this ( no matter how unlikely or unrealistic) that you want to become or think you might enjoy ? It can be whatever really. Dancing, singing, drawing, heck even making sculptures or some shit out of chewing gum.
Also i would recommend not worrying about the financial aspect of it. I understand if you cant ignore that because you might want to have a house and everything at some point. I personally dont care about money at all so this is quite easy for me as i would be satisfied with living in a van, having a small studio where i can make music and not needing to worry about food or other essentials too much. And for that you dont need a lot of money :p

Anyways ill be waiting for your reply and im looking forward to it too :)

With regards Idkdude
 
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Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
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Hey,

I just wrote a long message and it just got deleted for some reason. What I mean when I say I don't know if i'm ready for that job right now is that my anxiety and depersonalization are pretty bad right now. I feel like if I did get that job then my anxiety would be much worse, making my depersonalization worse. The dog walking app is where people ask for you to walk their dogs for money. My hobby/favorite thing to do my whole life was watch/play sports but that's not something I can do job-wise. I might be able to enjoy something in programming or engineering but I just have no idea.

I'm just very stressed right now because i'm struggling in my class due to brain fog/ depersonalization/ 0 motivation to do well. I am able to do most of the work for my class, but I am physically incapable of studying for any quiz/test. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to do it, and even if I try its just hopeless. This is especially bad right now because I have midterms in a couple days. Like right now i'm having bad DP and I just feel so much emptiness its hard for me to feel or want to do anything. Money isn't exactly an issue for me as I live with my parents still. I don't know if I need to take a break from school or what. All I know is that I need to and want to get better.

Thanks.
 
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Idkdude

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Oct 14, 2018
Messages
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Ok so i personally would recommend getting the job and trying it for maybe a month.
Maybe write down on which days your anxiety was worse and how you felt after work etc.
Then take into account this "diary" and see whether your anxiety gets worse.

For me it got worse before it got better thats why i would set myself a minimum time span that you work at the job for.

If your anxiety does get worse i would really recommend going to a therapist or whatever. Remember if you dont like work or therapy or whatever you dont HAVE to do it.
You can always quit and in hindsight you will be glad you did it. Even if its just because you tried
The dog walking app sounds cool :p though i hate going for walks lol

Theoretically you could try to become a sports analyst or look for a job at a stadion or whatever, thats fun for you. Remember nothing is impossible and its your life and yours alone.

Can i ask how long you current study still lasts ?
Depending on that you could try to power through it but i dont know whether that would be worth it if you dont enjoy it.
In the words of one of my favorite rappers:
"If you aint having fun what you do it for ?"- Hoodie Allen
I dropped out too and im doing fine now so dont be afraid to do the same if you want to.
Its your life and when you're 80 years old, im 100% certain you wont regret doing what gave you fun.
Btw when i was in college i also just could not study and that was because i did not care about what i was studying about.

Hope this helps
You can do it :)
 
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Idkdude

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Oct 14, 2018
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Alsooooo

If you want to find out whether youll like programming or engineering maybe apply for an internship or just go to some classes or look for college curriculums online and start reading

Regards Meeee


Also i dont want to be that guy but i really think drugs have helped my situation.
Of course everybody reacts differently and if you do decide to try that remember to inform yourself first and stick to safe use !!!! I cant stress this enough
If you want to reduce your anxiety for some people weed helps and maybe in your state it can be used for medicinal purposes.
If you ever want to open up to somebody completely and feel connected on levels that you think you cant achieve otherwise MDMA really helped for me.
While i was on MDMA was the first time i ever opened up to somebody about my insecurities, my social anxiety, worres and everything. The people i did that with are now my best friends :p

Also just fyi MDMA was used for family therapy in the 50 and 60s
 
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Frsm5

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Oct 13, 2018
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Hey,

I'm just feeling very lost right now, dealing with depersonalization trying to deal with anxiety and depression. As well as stressing about school. I feel like i'm losing my mind almost my depersonalization has been so bad recently... Just very shitty. I believe I might just need to get somewhat better before I can do much of anything.
 
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Idkdude

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Oct 14, 2018
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In that case i think therapy would be best
 
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