so tired of caring for mentally ill son

D

demby222

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Joined
Feb 22, 2014
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8
#1
Hello there im new to this forum . I know the title seems a little bit harsh but so is life .
I have a 27 year old son who as mild asbergers and phycosis he is on medication .
he lives quite indepently and has his own flat i help him with shopping and cleaning on my days off.
I am single and 50 year old and I care for my son The thing is when he first got his flat he was quite happy to stay there with visits from me , but now he wants to stay with me more and seems to have lost his independence , Dont get me wrong i love my son deeply but ever since he started with mental health problems when he was 16 i have had to care for him he his under the mental health team but now refuses to see them . I am so tired of looking after him on my own he also has aggresive outbursts and gets very upset if i have to go out. He now likes to stay all weekend at my house and i cook for him and watch tv together he as no friends and we have no other family members that can help.
Im just wondering is life always going to be like this also may i ad i have no social life at all but would love to meet somone who i could go out with but even then how would my son react if i did meet somone .
Im finding it realy hard not walk away form my son right now has i feel like im been smotherd am i been selfish to think this . Although i love him i really want my own space now . am i been selfish or should i take care of him for the rest of his life .
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

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#2
Geez that's a tough call. I don't know. Maybe try talking to your son? I hope things work out. Taking care of someone can be hard.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#3
wow ,i feel so sad for you ,my heart really goes out to you x
im 38 and my mummy died 2 years ago
from the age of 11 until i was 36 she looked after me and it was hard hard work
i don't think she would have coped if i had refused to see my mental health team and got support from them too

i appreciate your son is unwell but it is a little unfair of him to refuse to see his mental health team as this puts all the stress on your shoulders

could you talk to him about starting to see his mental health team again?
maybe that would lighten the load for you a little?

i think you definitely need some carers support ,my mummy had that and it helped her

if you cannot look after him then you need to make that clear to services and adequate support needs to be bought in to support him

you are very welcome here ,i hope you find this place useful
love Lu x
 
blacksmoke

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#4
Can you go to get some help and support there must be some kind of support groups out there
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#5
Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
It is exhausting both physically and mentally caring for somebody.
You do need to take care of yourself and need me time, you should explain this to your son.
I'm sorry your son is poorly, he really needs to see his mental health care team.
Are there any carers groups in your area? Joining a new group in an interest of yours like art or studying would enable you to meet new people.
You could join some dating sites, be careful with your safety.
When your son has angry outbursts remove yourself and go somewhere safe.
Social services can do carer assessments and will know about local groups.
Take care
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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#6
Hi,

I support my husband who suffers from episodes of psychosis so I understand how tough it can be. I was discussing it with another carer yesterday how hard it is to explain to people how exhausting it can be to provide constant reassurance and emotional support, whilst also constantly watching for early warning signs that your loved one may be becoming more unwell. We don't have any other family support either.

Something that I have learned the hard way is how important it is to put my own needs first because when I go under I can't support my husband. Therefore the key to me being able to sustain the support I give him is to take time out for myself. This was really hard to do at first as I felt guilty and worried about how he would cope with these changes. I still haven't mastered getting the balance right and my mental health is in a poor state at the moment as a result of neglecting myself. Can you set some boundaries with your son for times when you will be unavailable you could start with short periods and then extend them. Let him know in advance that he will not be able to contact you at those times, then plan in to do something that you will enjoy.

Have you had a carers assessment? You and your son are both intitled to a Care Act needs assessment to look at how both of your needs can be met to help make things more sustainable. For example are there any support workers available to help your son participate in things he would enjoy and give you some time where you know that someone else is supporting him. I know how much pressure it takes off me knowing that the 1 hour a week my husband's CPN is with him I'm not the only person supporting him.

Are there any carers groups in your area? That is something else that I have found really helpful, talking to other people who actually understand and can relate to things that happen. And of course you can talk here.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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#7
Hello there im new to this forum . I know the title seems a little bit harsh but so is life .
I have a 27 year old son who as mild asbergers and phycosis he is on medication .
he lives quite indepently and has his own flat i help him with shopping and cleaning on my days off.
I am single and 50 year old and I care for my son The thing is when he first got his flat he was quite happy to stay there with visits from me , but now he wants to stay with me more and seems to have lost his independence , Dont get me wrong i love my son deeply but ever since he started with mental health problems when he was 16 i have had to care for him he his under the mental health team but now refuses to see them . I am so tired of looking after him on my own he also has aggresive outbursts and gets very upset if i have to go out. He now likes to stay all weekend at my house and i cook for him and watch tv together he as no friends and we have no other family members that can help.
Im just wondering is life always going to be like this also may i ad i have no social life at all but would love to meet somone who i could go out with but even then how would my son react if i did meet somone .
Im finding it realy hard not walk away form my son right now has i feel like im been smotherd am i been selfish to think this . Although i love him i really want my own space now . am i been selfish or should i take care of him for the rest of his life .
Hi demby222,

Sorry to hear how you feel. Firstly, I want to say thank you! Looking after someone with a condition or disability can be a very difficult thing to do, so I appreciate the effort you put in to support your son!x

I completely understand the dilemma you're facing here. On the one hand, of course you'd want to care for him, because he's your son! But, it's also clear that you're not happy with the current arrangement, and that something needs to change.

I think it's often overlooked at how difficult it can be to look after someone with a condition or disability. If you don't feel like you're able to continue, then there are a variety of other arrangements - that could be continuing to look after him but on condition that he sees the Mental Health Team, all the way to relinquishing your role as his carer and getting on with your own life.

I don't think it's selfish to walk away. The fact that you've offered to help is a very admirable thing, but it's not expected. If you don't feel you can do this, then not being his carer any longer is a sensible arrangement. After all, you do need to look after your own mental wellbeing, and not doing so makes it much more difficult to look after someone else's!

Whichever path you decide to take, I'm sure you'll choose the best option that works for all parties!x

Much love <3
 
D

demby222

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Joined
Feb 22, 2014
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#8
So sorry that your mummy died , I really dont know how my son would cope without me. I hope youve got some family that can help you now and again . thanks for your advice your really lovley xx
 
D

demby222

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Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
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#9
Thanks for your advice and support Its nice to talk to somone who understands and so difficult when its a loved one . I will have a word with my son and get him to see the mental health team again .
Has like you it can be very stressfull and it takes up most of your life caring.
Thanks for your advice again your all so lovley xx
 
D

demby222

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Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
8
#10
Thankyou for the advice I really needed it you see iv been quite alone in all this theres always been just me and my son his father died 4 years ago so i think hes just clung to me . H e was under the mental health team but stopped seeing them and i didnt know what to do I often wonder were he,d be if i wasnt here I dont think he would survive on his own. Thanks again everyone xxx
 
Mayflower7

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#11
Thankyou for the advice I really needed it you see iv been quite alone in all this theres always been just me and my son his father died 4 years ago so i think hes just clung to me . H e was under the mental health team but stopped seeing them and i didnt know what to do I often wonder were he,d be if i wasnt here I dont think he would survive on his own. Thanks again everyone xxx
Hi,
Sorry his father died. There is a scheme called supported housing. His CPN could tell you more.
Take care
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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#12
Do you know why he stopped seeing his mental health team? Would he be willing to give it another go? His GP could re-refer him if necessary. I know how much it helps me knowing that there are professionals I can call on for help when needed and also to know someone else shares the responsibility for supporting my husband.
 
Seachad

Seachad

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#13
It's not selfish to want to have a life of your own. Yes, he's your son, but that doesn't entail that you should have to devote your entire life to nothing but pleasing and caring for him. You're a human being, not a saint nor a martyr.

Perhaps speaking to some of the social service and mental health agencies in your area would be an option. Hopefully they can come-up with some alternatives. It is not selfish, nor horrid for you to want to have a life and some freedom of your own. Yes, you should 'be there' for your son, but that doesn't entail that you should have to devote the entirety of your life to nothing but caring for him and being available and at his beck-and-call 24/7 whenever he wants you to be there. It's reasonable and acceptable that you should want to have a life of your own, as well. You're fifty years old. You don't have to nurse him anymore, even if he does have mental health issues.
 
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grandchick

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#15
Caregiving is stressful

Hello. Regardless if you take care of your son or another family member, it is emotionally, physically,and mentally tiring. Maybe trying to talk to your son could help. Support groups within your community can be very helpful. Many of the members have or are experiencing the same issues as you. Talking with someone who has been there or has an ear to listen is nice and reassuring that you are not alone.