• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

So, this is me.... confused!

B

blue_rose

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2010
Messages
5
Location
Scotland
Hi everyone, a bit nervous about telling everyone my story but feel that its time now that I get it all out. Don't know when my problems started, no point in my childhood that sent me 'off the rails', no abuse history. I sometimes think it would be easier to live with if there was something. Well I started CBT about 2 years ago due to my 'problems' but I've got so good at acting 'normal' that after 6 months I decided I didn't need it anymore. I manipulated my therapist, told her i'd done everything she asked of me, told her I was feeling great - I wasn't. You see, I am what you would call a compulsive liar. Ok, so that's not completely PC but its the only way I can describe it. I don't tell lies to hurt people but always do. I don't consciously start the lies, I actually live them. A whole new life, new people, new jobs - all fictional though. When I realise that its all coming crashing down around me it feels as though a part of me is dying. I mourn the loss of my 'life' but before long a new one is starting. I have learnt to 'deal with it' over the years. My first 'life' that came to an end almost destroyed me. I was on antidepressants at this point and took the whole box with a bottle of vodka. I thought that my life was over anyway, all those things I'd done, all the friends I had - they were all dead.
Now, I think I'm starting to ramble a bit so I'll cut straight from then to the present day. After the last 'episode' I went to the doctor asking for help as I felt as though I couldn't go on. I got sent to see a CPN the following day and from there got sent to a psychiatrist. She told me that she thought psychotherapy would help. On the waiting list now but got 29 people ahead of me on it! I have continued seeing the CPN and have another appointment on 22nd June to see another psychiatrist. Nobody will give me a diagnosis so I don't know what I am dealing with. First person said BPD and then was told cyclothymia. Thing is, I don't think I can wait much longer for help. I am thinking about hospitalisation to get the help I need but not sure how that would work either. Can anyone admit themselves? I am getting to the stage where on one hand I feel rock bottom, confused, in need of help and on the other I put a smile on my face, tell eveyone everything is fine and go back into the denial stage.
Ok, thats my story in a nutshell, any advice? I just need help!
Thanks for reading. x
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,625
Welcome to the forum, you do sound like you are really struggling, sorry for that. Usually you have to be a danger to yourself or others to be admitted in to a mental health hospital. I would suggest that you find psychotherapy first and give that a go, 29 people is a lot in front of you - but what do you think you will do other than wait, can you talk to your c.p.n. is she/he helpful, I hope so? You could look for a therapist yourself and pay but I don;t know how much that would be. My psych therapist says don;t worry about labels, so don;t worry yourself too much about a diagnosis, just look at the best ways of treating it, talking therapy is a good option.

KS
 
BORTU

BORTU

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2010
Messages
1,449
Location
SW England
Hello Rose,

Yes, we have all had this problem. There are just not enough careres to go round. It is a hard life out there. Do not worry about letting it all hang out on this site. We all understand. Hang in there, It will get better. It did for me. Keep in touch.
 
A

austin

New member
Joined
Jun 13, 2010
Messages
3
Location
USA
Don't feel alone blue_rose. I also lie to my therapist. After almost half a century of hiding my depression its difficult to open up. Wish I had some magical answers but I can barely help myself....All I can give is a little sympathy and support.
 
B

Blondie

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
396
Location
Lancashire
Welcome Rose.You need to be honest with yourself first hun and this place is a good start.No one judges you and we all try to help each other out.I googled liars and this is what it came up with.It describes a few different types so see which one fits you the best and go from there ok xxx
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/compulsive-lying-disorder.htmlJust paste into google if link fails.I wish you well xx
 

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