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So terribly lonely...

I

IhonestlyDon'tknow

New member
Joined
Nov 21, 2018
Messages
2
Hi everyone,
I'm not a native speaker so excuse me for the errors.
I'm in my late 20s, moved to a foreign country to study and am finishing my degree next month.

I had already done everything I had to do for my thesis.
I have no friends due to a traumatic experience with my old classmates (I even had to repeat a year after I stopped coming to school because I was suffering too much).
I do have an amazing boyfriend thanks to whom I continued my studies and our 2 years relationship is more than wonderful.
He moved away (4 hours drive) for a job about a year ago but he kept coming back here every weekend because he used to have free rides with his collegues, but that stopped since two weeks ago and he doesn't have this option anymore and train rides are really expensive.
I have a cat so I can't really go visit him because he has roomates + the place is not safe for a cat, she can easily jump out of one of the windows. When I go back to my country I leave her at a friend's house (the only friend I have here, which works all the time and lives outside the city) but it's mentally hard on my cat to stay there so I don't do it if it's not absolutely necessary (and for only 3 days I think it's really confusing and cruel to do that to her).

Honestly, I love my time alone and him coming back in the weekends was perfect for me, so I didn't think that not seeing him once a week would have much of effect on me... But I was miserably wrong.
Not having him during the weekend was so hard, and he's not coming back this weekend as well and I feel like I'm dying.
I started going with my computer to a local caffe so I'd at least be around people but it doesn't help anymore. Today I was having two panic attacks while I was there.
I feel so incredibly lonely.

During my studies I realised it wasn't what I wanted to do in life and what I really want to do in life is a sort of independent job which means I need to push myself constantly, especially now that I need to actually try to make it happen, but I don't have the energy...
I started working on it and I was working on it pretty well but I feel completely drained right now.
I feel like it doesn't matter if I do it or not because it won't cahnge anything.
I told my boyfriend I need his help in motivating me and pushing me but he's not doing any of it. Too busy in his own life I guess.
I mentioned it to him few times but he still doesn't do it.

I feel like I'm doing everything I can do to not let myself sink but I still am.
I'm fisically active, I go out to be around people everyday, I have a pet that is like a baby to me, I have a boyfriend that loves me.
But everything is just making me sad.
It doesn't help me to know that I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone and knowing it doesn't make me feel not alone.
I take an anti anxiety pill every evening because I simply don't know how to handle the dark hours.
I have abandonment issues and it really doesn't help with the long distance thing. I feel I'm drifting away from my bf and sometimes I tell him that I don't want to talk that day. I don't feel like sharing stuff with him.
To be completely honest, I don't feel like I love him when we're apart and it's difficult for me to tell him that I do.
It's a really sad and horrible thing to say but I think it's some sort of defence mechanism or whatever...

I have so much more to take off my chest but this post is already so long and who would ever want to read something that long...

I'm just sad. And nothing makes it go away. I want to sleep the whole day everyday.

Thank you for reading.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,264
Location
England
Hi,
I'm so sorry your struggling, please go to your dr asap as you sound very low.
Have you thought of putting your cat in a cattery, not sure if they have in your Country.
Or getting in a pet sitter.
Hope you feel better soon.
I had to go back a year at uni as I fractured my Radius.
Here to listen anytime.
Glad you have your boyfriend.
Take care
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
335
Welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you are starting to become depressed. Two things come to mind - first try to get an appointment with your GP/Doctor - second do not make any decisions based on your current feelings about your boyfriend, as the kind of ambiguous feelings that you describe are often associated with depressed moods/episodes (even when the depression is mild).

In answer to 'who would ever want to read something that long...' Do carry on writing on the forum, as one of the really good things about being here is that people do read what we say and try really hard to 'listen to our feelings'.
 
T

Tblan21

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2018
Messages
7
Oh boy have I been where you are. I understand that feeling of needing to push yourself but having no energy to do anything.
Don't beat yourself up. This sounds like a depressive episode and seeing a counselor or even doing group counseling might help, if possible.
Like the others said, you may feel that you don't love your boyfriend because of your depression. On the other hand, it may be that you two really are growing apart. No one can know that but you. It's not "horrible" for you to feel like you don't love him. That's a valid feeling, whether it's related to the depression or not.
It sounds like you really care about your cat, too. I'm glad you have her to take care of!
Please do consider seeing a counselor.
-T♥
 
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