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So scared of eating today

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Melchy

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I have to eat today. Just something small. But I know what’s gonna happen. I’ll be in floods of tears having ‘failed’ and the voices are going to go besserk at me, dragging me down for doing something ‘good’.

My coping skills just don’t work when I commit this core sin.

I try to offset the harm by eating close to bedtime.

But then it all kicks off again when I get up.

If I’ve lost weight, I’m told that I’m too lucky and anyway, the weight will come on tomorrow if you don’t burn it today.

If the weight is the same, I get the same lecture.

If weight has increased...... omg... all hell breaks loose, and I’m a) told to burn extra to work off the weight gained and b) as
‘Punishment’ I have to burn off the calorific value of what I ate.

Often, I just feel it’s not worth all the hassle and opt for a quieter life.

It’s all about choices is it?
 
M

Melchy

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It went better than expected, although I was being bombarded with negative shit for hours after.

Only got three hours sleep, which therefore meant I didn’t build up much ketones and I’ve been hitting the wall all day.

Still the scales were good, so no penalty to pay!!! 😊
 
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Purpleplum

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Why do you believe you should be punshished for taking care of yourself? Eating enough is taking care of yourself. Why don't you feel like you deserve to be cared for?
 
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Melchy

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The answer to that question is very long and involves going all the way back and explaining childhood stuff that made me like I am.
In one sentence.... when ur abused,rejected and dismissed in childhood you can develop a deeply entrenched belief that you do not deserve ANYTHING and that accepting anything is dangerous and utterly sinful.
 
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JeanPierre

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The answer to that question is very long and involves going all the way back and explaining childhood stuff that made me like I am.
In one sentence.... when ur abused,rejected and dismissed in childhood you can develop a deeply entrenched belief that you do not deserve ANYTHING and that accepting anything is dangerous and utterly sinful.
That's so sad.
It is going to be great when your deeply entrenched belief is that you deserve everything good.
Taking good care of yourself is your basic right as a human.
Do you have access to therapy, I hope.
My heart is with you. ✌
 
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Melchy

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Re. Therapy. I’ve been thru all types of therapy and now really can’t face going back for more of the same which hasn’t helped. I also feel guilty about consuming resources which others might better benefit from.
Then also, atm I don’t want contact with healthcare for fear they’ll want to..... do something w/me.
The ed helps cover up the AvPD so getting rid of the ed is counterproductive (to my necessary way of thinking).
I appreciate that I’m merely using one thing to merely cover up another, but the ed makes me freeer, happier and I have structure, control & direction.
My last psych totally lost it w/me over what he called, me ‘intellectualising’ my way through.
 
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JeanPierre

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I totally understand. Control is everything to us and oddly super important in healing ourselves.
It's like, 'ok, I've got the tools; stay outta my way."
I hope you stay here with us.
Forgive me if I forget this convo and answer you again somewhere!
 
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Purpleplum

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The answer to that question is very long and involves going all the way back and explaining childhood stuff that made me like I am.
In one sentence.... when ur abused,rejected and dismissed in childhood you can develop a deeply entrenched belief that you do not deserve ANYTHING and that accepting anything is dangerous and utterly sinful.
So it sounds like this problem will need be fixed first. Do you a counsel to talk to?
 
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Melchy

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No. I’m not seeing anybody atm. No point. Nothing works, and frankly, the ed helps keep lots of unpleasant stuff out of my mind. It actually allows me to get on with life, although it has some pretty demanding terms.
What u say makes plenty of sense, but it just isn’t able to ‘plug in’ to me.
Tysm for your replies.
 
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Melchy

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i hope you have managed to eat something x
I was allowed a marmite sandwich on Saturday. Took flippin ages to eat it. Hurts.

Tomorrow I’m allowed to eat something. Idk what yet. That depends on what tomorrow morning’s weight is.

I think my BMR is getting screwed up as my body tries to work out wtf’s happening.

Needs must. At least most of the time all my feelings r being kept in check.
 
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JeanPierre

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My heart is with you. Talk to us. Don't be too hard on yourself. ✌
 
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Melchy

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Tysm JP.
It’s hard to talk sometimes and I feel very undeserving.

Of course, ur right in what u say. I just end up not fighting it bc that’s the easiest/softest option.
 
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