So near to suicide it is scaring me.

[Lionheart]

I feel such a wreck right now, looking for reasons to stay alive. I can't see a
point to go on as I feel nobody appreciates me or would ever want me.
Ever since primary school I have felt too tall and not particular good looking. Everybody thought I weird because I diden't talk much and I also thought that I had no place talking to anybody especially girls as I was convinced I was a ugly freak. This escalated at high school to the point of ridicule and mental scaring. I still have dreams of going back to high school and getting ridiculed again. This also affected my exam results as I was severly depressed and coulden't see the point in concentrating as I was a slow learning individual. I was always a step behind people in class. I was pushed into going to college where I thought I diden't belong, I forgot my studies and just tried my hardest to fit in and be popular. I feel left college with no skills as again I missed alot of days because of the insults from fellow students about my looks and lack of ability. I did have a few jobs after college but I have been unemployed for a 7 years now and I feel there is no way to get those years back and I have wasted my life.
I honestly don't know what to do now, I see so many happy couples together and I would be lying if I said I diden't get upset when I see something I can never have.

 

[keepsafe]

I read and wanted to acknowledge your post.
Please get some help by talking to your gp or now phoning the samaritans.

08457 909090

 

[Twylight]

Be strong Lionheart.
It might not seem possible just at the moment, but your life can change for the better.
Sometimes i just take one day at a time

 

[Lionheart]

Thanks for replying.

I appreciate your reply's guys, thank you for taking the time to read my post.
I have anti-depressants, 150mg. But I I just feel I am so different from everybody else right now, I have never been able to stand up for myself in a verbal confrontation at my place of work and I was called 'Gimp boy' among other insulting remarks I would rather not write down. I just stood there and said nothing, I thought I deserved it for some reason. Maybe because of my lack of skills?
I have never even had a girlfriend yet and I 27 years old. I just don't think I can be attractive to the opposite sex and my personality will never, ever overshadow my looks. I feel my life is now gone and I can't get it back. What can my GP or the Samaritans do, they can't bring back the past and change it for me. I know of a place where to go and jump. I really thinking of telling my few friends I have goodbye in a text message and leaving a note for my Mum. I know she will be upset but with time she would understand I am just abnormal to the world!
Thank you for helping, I think my time has now come though, thank you anyway.

 

[Twylight]

Sounds like your work colleagues are very childish
From the age of 7, I went throught life with a serious stutter and was ridiculed constantly
I didn't get my head together ' till I was in my forties
Tomorrow is another day and who know's what will happen
I suppose that's what keeps life interesting

 

[schizolanza]

Lionheart,what makes you think you could never have a relationship?
I know you've said that you are not particularly good looking but there is so much more to it than that.
I've been suicidal and I still have suicidal thoughts most days,so I know something of the way you feel.

 

[jackshepard]

Hi.
I was just like you. I never had friends 'til high school because I'm fat, always felt bad-looking and I was nearly married to my mom who, according to all the therapists I saw, took the place of a woman in my life. She also always made me feel ridiculous, and everyone around me laughed at me when I was with her outside. I was feeling really bad 'til I learnt to say "[email protected]$# 'em all", but I nearly commited suicide twice this year: before i began to see a psychiatrist, and the day I thought I'd have my 1st date ever but got dumped like a piece of shit, what reinforced the idea that I would never get to kiss a girl in my life.
Since I'm on antidepressants, I feel better, sometimes a little too high, which scared me and my friends. Personnally, even if I have many friends, I feel like they're making fun of me, even if I know it's not true.

Hold on and don't hesitate to talk to your relatives, you'll feel better!

 

[jamesdean]

This is such a a sad story and it just brings home mental health n just how crel it really is.
mostly every one on this forum is fighting to survive and yet getting kicked in th teeth mostly from all sides, angles etc.

All that I can say is I hope you have the strengh to fight.
I always thought that I was ugly until about I was 32 I couldnt even look in the mirror and yet all this time looking back at some photos I could of been a model though its all to late now I understand how you feel about loosing the years I didnt get an education because I was so back words but I realise that isnt the case because I have meet some very well educated with mh so it dosent have bouderies it can effect anyone though it is responsaible for my failures these days it woul dpoossiabily get treated.

I was talking to a friends bf the other night n he told me that when the guy took me to bed when i was about 13 it wasnt abuse.. I ust said to him ok then if thats whot you believe people are so cruel he also said to me theres awar going on a credit crunch no ones interseted in a pair of queens splitting up. How do some people get off hurting people all the time I wouldnt of normal had any more of a conversation but I was having a few beers n Ii had already left one house because I felt uncomfortable, I did try to answer the guy but there wasnt no point.

This mh thing really is awful

 

[Dollit]

What everyone has to remember about bullies is that they pick on the people they think won't fight back but because they are insecure little scrotes they tend to pick on the people who have something that they want.

I'm quite a strong and secure person but my family used to tell me I was plain, gawky and had no personality. I have a relationship now with a man who tells me I'm a fantastic person - I'm fun, funny, clever, weird (nicely weired!), gorgeous and sexy. We are all appealing to someone.

Ignore the bullies and concentrate on what you know is good about yourself. Don't ever let anyone else run your life, it's too precious for that.

 

[precious]

no body, including you deserves to be spoken to like that and you have every right to complain to your manager. It will be against company policy and can lead to disciplinary for those involved and rightly so.
Talk to your friends and mum about how you really feel, a text would be devisating for them especially if they hadnt had the chance to help and be there for you. you are a worthy, caring and loving person, qualities that are missing from a lot of people so remember what you are and work on that.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you may just not have found the right person, thats not to say you never will. but it is hard to love someone who does not love themselves. I have realised that and at 42 have just found a lovely man so anything is possible, beleive me.
there is so much out there that you have not discovered or experienced yet. am im sure I can speak for your mum and friends in saying the world would not be the same without you in it.
take care
Precious

 

[mxm]

Hi Lionheart, I hope you are ok.
I have tried to write my own life off a few times but someone pointed out to me once that I have only lived half of it yet so I could wait till the end before deciding if its worth it. I guess its probably an obvious cheesy therapist line but its sometimes something I hang on to. I value your life anyway. If you're not a bully or part of the shiny 'in crowd' then I think the world needs more people like you.

 

[Jo1760]

Hi Lionheart,

your story brought together so many things i feel on a daily basis also...
I hope you stay strong and dont let these feelings take over completely. Although I can understand this is easier said than done!!
I too am approching 27, had never been in a relationship, I know how difficult it is to feel that you dislike yourself so much that you could never understand how anyone could possibly like you, but I am positive you have many wonderful qualities.

I wish someone could give a magical answer, (if so i'd be in that que also).

Take care, be strong!

X

 

[duncanw]

Listen here Lionheart, there is a girl out there for every man and that includes you, don't you ever forget that my friend.

There are some horrible nasty people in this world that get their kicks from bullying others, you're a million times a better person than these people, I have no doubt about that.

You need to try and build up your confidence by pushing the envelope a little, leaving your comfort zone and doing things, these things can be extremely small at first but will help to improve your confidence.

 

[Emmy]

Of course you can have a relationship. There is someone for everyone just around the corner. You just haven't turned the right corner yet.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25 as I locked myself away due to my social failings.

Believe me you haven't wasted your life as you have so much to give and so much time to do it in. Draw a line under the bad stuff in your past if you can. I know it is hard but you must move on from it.

You also need to talk to someone about how you feel. Is there a member of your family who you can talk to or could you go to your GP.

People are cruel but you are a million times better then them.
Believe me anyone who made fun of you for being too tall was jealous of your height.
I know you say you feel you are particular good looking but you're wrong. What is good looking to one person may not be to another.
You don't fall in love with every girl you meet, no of course not. None of us do, we fall in love with the right person and you will be the right person for someone out there but you won't find that girl if you hide away.

Please keep posting so we know how you are, take care and remember you will get through this and things will get better.

 

[autumn11]

Hi Lionheart

I hope you are OK and didn't actually go through with it. Let us know that you are OK. I don't know how you feel, but I guess that by killing yourself, you are taking away the chance that you might be happy one day. Even if there is a small chance that you will find a woman to love and who loves you, if you're not here to take advantage of that then you will never know that feeling for sure.

And looks really do not matter, I know great looking people who have never known true love, and people who are not good looking who have met someone they love and are really happy. I know who I would rather be.