• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

So much loss

R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Hello all,

I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel depressed over loss. I'm actually a highly confident person, and am the last person you would think would end up like this.

It all started when I lost my grandmother to cancer on January 3rd, 2015. We all knew she was sick, and at the time, I had one of my best friends, whom I considered my only best friend, at my side. She wanted me to spend time with my grandma instead of her, but we both work nights, so at midnight, everyone would be asleep. I assured her I wanted to hang out with her, try to keep things normal. So we went to work out the morning of January 3rd, until around 5am. My grandma died at 8:30 am.

I immediately felt guilty. I called my friend, and asked if the universe was mad that I was out working out instead of being with my grandma. She didn't seem too sympathetic, and as I was talking with her, not yet crying, not really reacting to anything, just wanting someone to talk to, she informed me that she had another friend over who had to leave at 10am, so she basically cut me off. I said I understood, but in my head, I was really offended, upset, this was supposed to be my friend, but perhaps I expected too much.

The following Monday, I went to work, January 3rd was a Saturday, and I had spent much of the weekend trying to stay strong for my family, I have younger cousins who needed me, and the funeral date hadn't been decided yet, so I knew I had to at least wait until I could leave from work for bereavement before I could let myself fall apart. So that Monday, was really tough. I was ordering flowers and taking care of other preparations at work, and basically cried the whole time. When I got home that night, I found my cat had destroyed my brand new phone cord. My fault, as I had left it out on the couch. I wasn't mad at the cat, or about my cord, it was just literally the last straw for me. I freaked out, and text my friend, asked her if she wanted a cat, threatened to throw him outside. Let me just note: I do not condone animal abuse, and I did nothing to him, I was just saying things, anything at the time.

My friend thought I really did throw him out, and said that she had no time for that bull****, and that if I really did it, then we were done. I didn't do it, but the damage was already done, apparently. We exchanged things, and haven't spoken since. No matter how many times I contact her, she doesn't respond. We both work in the same place, but I try hard not to see her. I can't face her, because I'm so hurt by her.

I'm not trying to play victim, but wouldn't most people know that someone they've known over 12 years would never sensibly throw their cat outside, or act irrationally? My grandma just died, and she knew it, but she said that was no excuse. And proceeded to compare that incident to other negative things and said our friendship would never "have a fresh start". She also proceeded to post on facebook about me, telling everyone about a person who thought they were her true friend, etc.

I am 27. I have a Bachelor's degree. I am no longer in high school, but this all feels like high school drama to me. Even so, no matter her behavior, the absence of her is everywhere. Everytime I think of my grandma, I am painfully reminded of her as well.
I feel like in grieving for my grandmother, I'm also grieving for the loss of another person as well.

I don't know what to do now. I know everyone will say, go find other friends, and all that. But I don't have closure from this one. I don't know what to do, what to think of it. Was I wrong at all? I did apologize to her for texting her randomly and acting irrationally, because when I put myself in her shoes, I wouldn't have appreciated a thing like that, either. But I got no apology from her, which isn't surprising. We've had many fights like this before, and I'm always the one who confronts her, who apologizes again and again and is always the one who seems to save the friendship. Clearly, it is more important to me than it is to her, but that doesn't matter to me. As long as one of us fights for it.

But I'm always the one left at the end to pick up the pieces. And I miss her so much. I'm sitting here watching the Japanese version of Yu-gi-oh and missing her even more. It was our favorite show. But now it feels like I'm the only one who's left treasuring it.:unsure:

I've contemplated suicide many times. Not just with her, but I've lost other friends in the last month as well. I never seem to have a good day. I try to keep a positive outlook, but I can't fake it.

I'm sorry, I know this is a long post. Anyone have any advice? Lol. I'm quite a complicated person. My thoughts are all over, but usually very thought out and detailed. And sometimes not.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma :hug: and I'm sorry your friend has behaved in this way. I don't really have any advice as I'm not sure what I'd do in the same situation. Maybe she has issues that were triggered somehow by what you said about the cat, or maybe she is just a different sort of person to whom you thought she was. I don't think she has behaved very well, I'm not sure it is really up to you to do anything.

I am the sort of person who would just leave it, especially as you say she's done this kind of thing before and it's always you who has to run after her, which is why I'm not the best person to be giving you advice. I mean you lost your granny and she has made it all about her. I would cut her loose. Sorry I know that is probably not what you want to hear and maybe other people would say different, but that is my opinion.

And tbh if you want to save the friendship, you have already done all the apologising so the ball is in her court.

Maybe having some grief counselling regarding your grandma would help, and help you process your feelings of loss about this friendship as well? xx
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Thanks for your hugs <3 I'm glad to be reminded that there are still nice people in the world. :)

I agree, she made it all about her. She told a third party that she understood my behavior had something to do with my grandma, but still found it inexcusable.

Leaving it alone is all I can do anyway. Sad part is, it gives her the satisfaction. She can go tell all her friends about how horrible of a person I am.

Ive considered counseling, but I wanted to try here first. This is free, and counseling is expensive lol.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
she sounds like a proper drama queen to me. You said something under severe stress, when you'd just lost a family member, and she wants to turn this into a massive drama where she can feed her ego by going out and declaring how "horrible" you are to all and sundry and get loads of attention and people agreeing with her??? wtf

Personally I think you are better off without this "friend", I know it won't seem like that now, and 12 years is a long time, but there are better people out there you just have to find them.

You're not a horrible person. I'm sure everyone gets aggravated by their pets/kids at times, you didn't throw the cat out you were just stressed and upset at the time.

Yeah the forum is good and cheaper than counsellors, lol, but we're not professionals, still you will meet some good people on here to talk to. x

P.S. If you're in the UK bereavement counselling is free

Homepage | Cruse Bereavement Care
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
I wish I was in the UK, lol. But I'm in the US. Yeah, I mean, she did take the whole thing a lot farther than I did. She won't even listen to a word I say, so. She's obviously got her own thoughts and her own decisions. So I don't really know what to make of it.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
I dunno, unless her mum/boyfriend/flatmate/girlfriend once threw her cat out or summat I really don't get it :scratcheshead:

I guess you are never gonna find out unless she tells you, probably best not to dwell on it, easier said than done I know
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Oh no, she has 4 cats. One of them, she let outside alot and one day when it got cold, he never came back, and she shrugged it off as, oh well I guess he died. She lets her cats get fat and doesn't clean their litter box enough. But yet she will be the first to criticize me for wanting to throw my cat outside. When I think about all of it, it just makes me sad..and angry. She also involved me in a pot brownie incident once. Her sisters did it, and I guess she did it on occasion, and they tricked me with one. I thought I was going to die..so I wanted to call the police. She said I threatened her family and took her sister's side, so I've been under the impression for a while, even after we became friends again after that, that she really wasn't my friend. Personally, I think the random incident with the cat was just the perfect excuse she needed to get rid of me. She thus far hasn't said or done anything to prove otherwise. Which none of this makes any sense, as on January 1st, she skype me, honestly seeming to want to make an effort to have a "fresh start" with our friendship. Said she wanted to hang out with me, and wanted to make things better. The thing with my cat happened about 5 days later. So yeah. Don't know where that fresh start went.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
Ok now I am thinking - you know what, you really are better off without her. With friends like that who needs enemies?

You deserve better friends than that. Maybe have a think about what it was that you liked about her, and see if you can find that in other people, without the negative aspects, cos seriously, she sounds a piece of work!
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Sad thing is, I get caught up in all the good times we had, and so I think that maybe she's not as bad as all that. But the reality is what it is, so. Idk.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,424
Location
under the Forum Troll bridge
I am not saying she is a bad person per se, but she has treated you badly imo and for no discernable reason. And if she won't talk to you about it, then there is not a lot you can do.

I can understand thinking of all the good times you had - you're grieving for your lost friendship and 12 years is a long time. She's not all bad, at some point the two of you were good friends, she must have her good points. But, i dunno, she does sound like she has issues and while some people would be prepared to put up with these, I just wouldn't, if it were me.

Maybe someone else on here has a different perspective?
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Last year I had to make a really hard decision and lose the person I thought would be my best friend forever as she had got too toxic for me.

It was a hard decision over a few months of umming and ahhing. In the end I had reached the final straw for about the 6th time and did it. It broke my heart to do it but I had to put myself first.

I do not regret that decision one bit. She started to play mind games, send people into my work to speak to me and then she talked to my family about me. Anyone who knows me knows not to talk about me to my family.

Also lucky for me everyone saw through her and what she was trying to do.

She was like a little sister to me, all my family knew her, she went on holiday with me and everything but in the end it needed to be done.

Take what you want out of it but thought I'd share my experience :)
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Lol, so far, it's just you. She has a pride and ego issue. She believes she always has to be right, and doesn't like to be wrong, because that means apologizing. Me, on the other hand, will do anything to keep my friendship with her, because I cherish it. So I will apologize countless times, because I'm only human. She won't listen to a thing I say. Everyone who comments on her posts about me, are the ones who think the same way she does, so. They've all said horrible things about me. Luckily she hasn't replied to them, far as I know. But she has since blocked me from facebook, so. She made a comment on there once that said, and she wonders why I don't have her number in my phone or on my Facebook, and I just laugh. Meh.
 
R

Rakuei

Member
Joined
Feb 27, 2015
Messages
7
Wow-I wish I was as strong as you right now. But I'm just not at this point. I need something good before I can deal with more stressful and painful things.
 
K

khuang

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
876
Location
Avenue Q in the US
I pretty much know what this situation is like. My mom died two days before Mother's Day and a few days before I was going to fly out to spend two weeks with her back in May 2013. Around the same time my ONLY friend I've ever had stopped talking to me and started to ignore me and act as if I didn't exist. and my entire life went haywire from there. I became so depressed that I just stopped caring about how my apartment looked because I didn't see the point of cleaning if no one other than case workers came to visit me. My so called friend actually gave me motivation to clean and improve my life and once that was gone, I literally had nothing left. I ended up losing my apartment because I became so lonely. Now I have an even more serious problem of constantly buying things to fill the void inside me and sometimes it scares me because I buy impulsively because I have nothing to look forward to and also having my apartment "too clean" will freak me out so I leave it cluttered.
 
Top