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So much going on at the minute - advice/support would be great please?

D

Daunting

Member
Joined
Apr 28, 2018
Messages
6
Location
England
Hi all. Hope you're doing okay.

A lot has happened in the recent months of my life and I'm struggling.

I only had two proper friends before, but that was enough for me. One passed away in January, he was only 28, and the investigation into his death took a long time, I only found out the cause of death a couple of weeks ago - accidental, due to different medications in his system. Just dropped down dead; he'd been so unhappy for so long before his death, I thought it was suicide as I'd been talking him out of it days prior to his death. Anyway, he was great and I miss him, he was so much like me and was always lovely and supportive and listened to me without judging. We mostly spoke online but he was a really great friend and person. My other friend was my 'best friend'. She cut me out of her life a few months back despite my best efforts. Long story short, she believed I was in the wrong when I wasn't and although she never even officially ended the friendship, I'm fairly certain that was her reason for cutting me out. It's almost crueler the way she did it - if she'd had a go at me at least I'd have known where I stood with her - even despite me not being in the wrong. Last we spoke was on the phone, she sounded off with me but said something about leaving it down to her, that she'd get in touch to arrange meeting up next (she lives very close to me so we would see eachother often, most weekends), something along those lines. And she just didn't get in touch and despite me sending her a couple of messages that even looking back on I still think I worded pretty well and was mature and polite and friendly whilst querying what was going on. I could see that she read them but she didn't reply. I've seen her a few times - the first time I acted totally normal, said hi, and I could tell she didn't want to know, she just said hi and carried on walking and didn't stop to chat or even smile or anything. Since then, the times we've seen eachother I've said nothing and it's just like we're strangers. I saw her a couple of days ago and we walked past eachother and I just felt so shit because it was like she hates me and I felt myself go red so it just makes me look guilty when I really haven't done anything. Not that I should care what she thinks but I'm just pissed off with myself for not being stronger. I recently had a dream which involved us being friends again and I remember not being happy that I had forgiven her or that she was back in my life or something, so I guess that's a good sign at least. I believe I've had similar dreams about people I've successfully lost in the past.

And then the work stuff. Recently we've been taken over by a new company at work. More seems to be expected of us, but that's not the problem. I read something in the company handbook about drug and alcohol tests. We were never expected to do those before, and we were told that nothing will change, but it seems like a lot of things are changing. I'm not sure if we're going to be forced/expected to do drug tests or not, but I won't pass. I'm unsure what I'm allowed to say on here but I don't do hard drugs and I never come into work under the influence. My habit is very much on the softer side of the scale, however I am possibly mentally addicted and refuse to quit something that I believe has done a lot of good for me over the years. However I don't want to quit my current job because my anxiety makes unfamiliar places and expectations virtually unbearable as previous job tryouts have proven to me. This job was different as I already knew multiple people here when I started - I won't find that comfort again. However if I do and fail a drug test I very much risk losing my second job as well because of reasons I won't go into on here. I also drink a lot, once again don't come into work under the influence but it would likely still be in my bloodstream to an extent. So I'm just at a loss and hoping we don't get asked to do a drug test or I'm screwed. Would it go on my criminal record if I failed a drug test?

And then the other part of the work situation that's making this extra hard is my new manager. I have too many not just conflicting but completely contrasting feelings. I'm a very black and white person and I find grey areas and conflicting feelings very hard. Sometimes she seems lovely and like she really cares about her employees, but then sometimes she seems very unreasonable with certain things. I can't help but like her though and I don't know why. I've developed a weird needy type thing towards her recently and I don't fully understand this. It's a feeling I get with certain people and it's happened many times over my life and I don't understand it - the best way I can describe it is that it tends to be when a certain person (and I don't know/understand the specific criteria in my brain for one of these people) shows some form of caring or SOMETHING, I don't know, towards me, I latch on and just want them to care about me, to see how much I'm hurting, to like me, etc etc. I believe I've got good at not showing it at least, and the feeling isn't always a bad thing - it can be nice to care so deeply when it's a close friend. I don't understand why I've so readily latched onto my manager this way despite my mixed feelings, I believe it's likely because I've recently been cut off from my best friend who I felt this sort of way towards, and with my other friend having passed away, I'm needier than ever, but I bottle it up and hide it. It's also hard because with the negative things due to the manager, I'm listening to many employees speak negatively between ourselves about her - my attachment for want of a better word means that I don't want to hear negatively of our manager and it kind of hurts me in a weird way, but being and working on their side I do agree with most of what they're saying. Plus the fear of the drug test combined with my need to be liked and cared about by my manager is making this ten times harder.

What the hell do I do? How do I go forward from here? I'm just trying not to think too much which is hard. Life right now feels totally hopeless. I won't end my life, I don't want to die, but it's so hard to want to be alive sometimes lately.

I'm sorry this is so long. If you actually read all this then you're amazing, thank you. I don't know what I'm hoping for in posting this but responses would be appreciated if possible. Please and thank you :)
 
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
Sorry to hear about your friend passing away, that sucks, especially so young.

Before addressing any of the things you mentioned here can I just ask how you were before these things happened; what was your mental health like etc?
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I am so sorry for the losses of the two people closest to you. Different kinds of losses, but enough to mourn both and continually seeing the girl must complicate things terribly. Please be gentle with yourself in this process and give your self time.

I know that when my money job came knocking, I quit the drugs. It really wasn't hard. I wanted the money more.

Losing your job would put you in quite a tailspin I think. It's your choice, but your choices have consequences. I would quit the drugs. And never show up to work with any alcohol in your system.
If that sounds harsh, think where you could be if you failed one.

I like a roof over my head and food in the frig.

I am sorry I am so blunt. Hopefully others wiser will come along.
 
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