so lonely

[snuggle muggle]

Hi i am a student nurse i am also diagnosed with schizo affective disorder i was first in hospital in 2001 and since then have had a relapse in 2004 and 2006 its great that im a student nurse but im living a double life none of my cohort know about my diagnosis and im ashamed to say apart from one exception i got away from my freinds i made in hospital becuase they where still going on about being god and stuff and quite frankly i was embarrassed. but then i still hear voices sometimes when im stressed out or out on a limb as i call it so who am i to say that! the only difference is im really good at pretending.
the irony is im trusted to hand out other peoples medication but when i ask my shrink if i can go on oral haldol she says no becuase "i belive i dont need medication when well" how odd is that not normal then to want to try and live without strong medication that makes your day to day livin g running of a house and studying difficult!! anyway beucause of this double life im living i feel so lonely my fiancee that i live with is a great bloke but really dosent understand he has said though that i need to find a way of coming to terms with my "illness" and my "normal life" and brining the two together and dealing with whats happened to me but its so hard to just be told deal with i have come so far but i still feel like my lifes on hold. - just as a side note i wonder if anyone ever feels like they dont really experience the atmosphere as they did before they where ill or during when they are in thier "down" phase i feel like im living life in a muffled box. anyway if anyone wants to say hi id really appreciate it and if anyone else has the same problems ! - i should say ive tried before to be honest to freinds and family and i dont know whether its just percieved or real but i think i get treated like a villiage idiot when they know the truth or worse a criminal!

 

[iffybob]

Hi

When I worked I did not tell people that I went to theropy 2 times a week, etc..

... if you 'live' day to day without meds and only rely on them when you realy need them that is better, meds have a habit of stopping working.

I think most of us feel differnt after a diagnosis, and that we are no longer like every one else..

I think you BF is right to a point , do try and get on with the rest of your life the best you can... I know it is not always possible and it will prob mean that you are keeping secrates from people.

By the way having a Mental Illness does not mean you are an idiot, that is a mistake that people make..

... take care ... boB ....

 

[snuggle muggle]

hi Bob

thanks for your reply i dont know why i feel like i should be telling people i mean like my Bf says its nobodies business but mine! keeping secrets is not in my nature tho im a very open person hence why i feel like im living a lie! and when mental illness comes up in lectures and stuff and in hospital placement ive had quite a few negative (or maybe i just percieve them to be negative im very sensitive!) experiences in that i feel people who are classed as having a mental illness are somehow looked down on and viewed as different and i want to shout and scream and say hah look im classed as having a mental illness and im not throwing bannanas in the air and blowing bubbles or whatever mad people are supposed to do!!
anyway thanks loads for replying it makes me feel better that someone understands .
incidentally i think the reason i believe people think i am stupid is the way my family handled my diagnosis they really talk down to me and i noticed a great change in the way they dealt with me in all matters they completely sided with the doctors and when i talk about going on oral medication for example they are like no dear i really dont think you ought to do that just do what the doctor tells you to do!! - i dont know maybe its a generation gap!! but i guess its the same as when people in a wheelchair say people talk to the chair and not them its like my mum is talking to a charicature of a loonie!
thanks again
lizziloula

 

[mad as a hatter]

u r no idiot and don,t let ne body tell u that either look at the job ur doin ur obviously a very intellguent person with a lot responsiblities and it must be hard trying 2 cope with ur illness along with ur studies i say well done u obviously want 2 try mk something off ur self there,s a lot off us need meds for or illness i know there not great at times but if the keep u stable then i reckon u need 2 stay on them maybe u should try ur gp c if there is ne other support u can get it,s certainly worth a try

 

[iffybob]

Gen

I think there is a generation gap, even with the MH staff, esp with there attitudes, like I am going to just do as I am told... convince me 'first'

I think that a lot of us in here learn to choose who we tell, and what, its sad but it helps us protect oursleves in the world, ....

I do think it is great that you have your prob and still manage to work ...


PS.. if yo do descide to do the bannana tricks, video em and then you can post them here ...

 

[snuggle muggle]

hi bob!

i laughed out loud at that!! - im not sure bannana tricks i shall have to work on those!! the mind boggles lol
anyway i wish i could say its easy working and studying but its not! some days im just so tired i sleep for like all weekend and before i was ill i held down three jobs at one time my bf says its becuase of my age im 31 but im sure its because of my mind and/or medication and some days i have time off placement and i have to make them up as you cant have any days off sick when ur a student nurse!! - belive it or not. But it really is worth it for me anyway i never went to uni after a levels and went to a grammar school - quite suprising when u note my grammar spelling and presentation lol and alot of my freinds went on to do quite good jobs so i guess ive always wanted to prove that i could get a qualification too even with my problems sometimes i hope im only proving it to myself and not others but i think my motives are right. also i was a carer when i was 19 and i just really fell in love with the job well really the elderly clients !! so i know its the right place for me!
it has been great reading these posts on here! it has made me view my problems in a very different light - ive got my cpa on thursday! - not looking forward to being patronised for a hour by a shrink who really im not joking when i asked what affect haldol had on the brain to prevent schizo affective disorder said shed have to go and look it up and get back to me!! lol oh joy!

 

[snuggle muggle]

sorry i meant to reply to mad as a hatter too! thanks for saying that! i will try my gp - can you believe ive been ill for 10 years nearly and i never knew forums like this existed! i guess i agree with u about the meds but my shrink is so authoratative about them shes like well your on them for life - and i really cant believe that i have to take such a strong substance for the rest of my life i mean thats a long time isnt it!! they are like a safety net though i tried to come off haldol once on my own and was convinced i would be ill again so much so that i checked myself in at the local hospital!! i was fine but they let me stay! - shows how much they really can determine whats going on in your head - all i really needed was a bit of support coming off the meds! anyway i will look into other support groups! maybe then i will stop posting such rambling rants when ive only just joined up on here!¬ lol

 

[rasselas]

Hi i am a student nurse i am also diagnosed with schizo affective disorder i was first in hospital in 2001 and since then have had a relapse in 2004 and 2006 its great that im a student nurse but im living a double life none of my cohort know about my diagnosis

I once worked in vocational training and got an invite to attend a discussion about new directions in the the public health sector - which was also to be a kind of vetting procedure to find appropriate people to become more involved.

I decided by the end I wanted to do it - to subvert it. Infiltrate it and change it. However, I'd fast become the anti-psychiatry one. I expressed views about orthodox clinical psychiatry that were not appropriate. Overall, I enjoyed the day and it was good to meet and talk amongst the variety of professionals there, from therapists to medical cannabis growers.

I lied there about the cannabis growers.

No-one knew about my mental health history. Early on we came to a segment in which we were invited to take turns revealing our diagnoses or reason to be there. The round-the-room revealed lots of depressions, clinical depression, a bereavement, clinical interests and a few rather not says. I disclosed, "I'm labelled schizophrenic. I reject it and the reasoning behind it." It wasn't appropriate for me to expand.

What struck me greatly that day was the open discussion about inter-staff stigma within the NHS, including mental health services. Not everyone there was employed by the NHS; of those half dozen that were, four said that up until only recently they had accessed non-NHS solutions for mental distress because of fear of disclosure to their colleagues.

Thankfully, the NHS is always evolving. And with its remit to protect the nation's health, as an exemplary national asset employer, it has to be (HAS TO BE!) the one place that stigma in the workplace can be best explored and tackled. Nye Bevan wouldn't have it any other way.

I know from discussing with professionals in the NHS that things have moved on, and there is now a lot of support, confidentiality and flexibility available to staff. The two people at the meeting said simply being there was, for them, and their team, a part of the process of change.

As an NHS student, do you get to access the full support available to full time staff? It's worth investigating.

 

[snuggle muggle]

hi mark.uk
its acutally been part of my "healing process" to start accessing the facilities avaiable to me i thought if im going to be classified disabled a label which im unhappy with to a certain extent but i was told i came under the disablitly discrimination act by the OT consultant . to be honest not much has been made available to me from the trust but the university does have a disabled students bureau where i have had an assessment and hence given the computer im tpying on now! - a great perk of being ill - sorry to make light of it!! and counselling if i want it and a mentor but its so difficult to be honest to fit those sorts of things in with my hectic schedule i mean i can only attend my cpa becuase im back at lectures this week if i was in placement it would be difficult.
i agree with you about how the nhs - i think its the uks biggest employer - should be at the forefront of challenging stigma unfortunately it still tends to fall to the individuals own professionalism and open mindedness rather than handed down from management in the hospital ethos . i think i could be rather over sensitive to stigma in the workplace however little things bother me like being on a gastro intestinal ward and being told in handover with everyone and his dog there that a patient had a period of psyhcosis twenty years ago - i fail to see the relevance and just put myself in the patients shoes - do i want when i eventually have children for example everyone on the maternity ward knowing im labelled as schizo affective disorder! - im sure youll say maybe im in the wrong job and my bf said they probably had his care at the centre of the issue but it just bothered me!
however talking about stgma in the NHS i did a project on homosexuality in the nhs in my first year and on stonewall the website for homosexuality in the workplace there is a huge section on bad experiences and predjudice people have suffered at the hands of other colleagues in the nhs! i guess we can only hope to change the world one day at a time one person at a time starting with me!

 

[IntrospectionFtw!]

delete this.

 

[rasselas]

...

i guess we can only hope to change the world one day at a time one person at a time starting with me!

I agree with the sentiments.

Labelling has no single effect. Some people feel they have lost their identity. Some people feel they have gained it. Most, I think, tend to move through the two via ambivalence over time.

I can understand why you'd cringe like that at the mention of psychiatric history on the gastro-intestinal ward. Although antipsychotics can do damage to the entire digestive system, all the organs... even the skin. And, of course, the brain. That's assuming he was treated. And of course, 20 years ago it was largactyl and ECT. But it's the casual mention of what can feel like a dark secret, like something that must never be said. I suppose because life has taught us it can change everything, spoil things.

I suppose this is where I start polemicising. Unfortunately, because of resistance to a truly open debate, the anti-stigma initiatives are not moving as fast as they could.

Of course, that's another story. The politics!

The problems is that (and for those, OP excepted, reading this of a sensitive disposition, please proceed with slow breaths) it will (I have to capslock) NOT BE APPROPRIATE TO SUGGEST THAT PSYCHIATRY BY ITS VERY NATURE IS AT THE HEART OF THE STIGMATISATION PROCESS.

The labels themselves are problematic.

I suppose what helps is venting!


I

 

[iffybob]

Needs

I realy dont think that a diagnosis is a be all and end all, meds may be nessasery, but also support needs need to be properly co-ordinated and be a high priority, even if the "lable" is obsure, needs are oftern constants...

... just my 2 bits... boB..

 

[diddypinks]

cant you talk to the boss they have laws against discrimintation and altho i'm sure you dont want to be labelled you could talk to them about it and they might be able to help you somehow. that would be really brave tho.

 

[snuggle muggle]

thanks diddypinks

yes that would be the brave thing to do! unfortunately im not brave i think this morning having got up early and read my posts its seems i need to come to terms with my diagnosis first . it seems i am afraid of what this label means maybe to do with the negative reactions ive had that cant be dealt with by the law for example being patronised and talked down to but again this might just be me being sensitive! but alot of people who have posted on here seem to have more " insight" into thier diagnosis and certainly a healthier approach to the psychiatric profession which is odd becuase i of all people maybe should be less defensive again thats down to bad experiences. that is why though im glad that ive found this forum - i hope ull forgive me for posting loads when im a newbie but im glad i have as its sorted things out more clearly in my mind.
thanks for all ur replys :

 

[snuggle muggle]

hi!! sorry just to add i think what i wasnt clear about was that when it was mentioned on the GI ward i noticed a subtle but negative asumptions made about the patient metioned someone who i was already quite fond of despite his somtimes unreasonable behaviour particualarly in that he was not consulted on many aspects of his care specifically his discharge process and whether he could go back in his own home or not! but then i might have been attributing discrimination where it was not happening or happening for another reason ie his age! anyway just wanted to add that!