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So I’m pretty sure I’ve had OCD for like 20 years

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EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
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2,881
Location
USA
I’m diagnosed GAD, but I have traits similar to BPD (idk I think I’m just like super emotional plus anxious it comes out like that) and to OCD, which I’m surprised has never been my main diagnosis but I think it’s because my therapist can’t tell my OCD from what I really think. And honestly neither can I sometimes. Right now I’m upping my Zoloft dose in an attempt to further quiet my OCD thoughts but during the increase I think it’s like driving them a little. Anyway here’s my OCD thought which I’ve never put out because I KNOW in some deep core of my being it isn’t true and it’s one of those things I therefore cannot even say but I have this thought that my bf is controlling, manipulative, maybe even emotionally abusing or brainwashing me. And he’s actually not. Like he just isn’t. But the OCD comes and goes and obviously makes me feel really guilty and is of course hurting the relationship. And when it comes I think “no this was never OCD, this is real”. But my “proof” is like subtle things he says that he says I’m reading into. Honestly I think I’m not stable enough emotionally to be in this relationship right now because I’m sitting over here conflating fact and fiction or at the very least the things he says that bug me, while not malicious, are too much stress for me. I think that’s the main take away. He’s not all those awful things but he IS triggering my OCD. I feel like I can’t trust my own brain half the time and it makes me angry. I sometimes don’t even want to be nice to him. And that makes me feel bad because it hurts him. I haven’t explained this to him because I know he won’t understand that the OCD thoughts aren’t real and aren’t mine. My OCD has never directly effected another person so much and it’s scary. Relationships like these, you’re supposed to make decisions based on how they feel. Well I can’t trust how I feel sometimes. I‘m over here doing mental gymnastics just trying to come to a conclusion that my brain is content with. Now sometimes I feel GREAT. I feel confident with him and I know my worries were unfounded and I’m excited to be together and so happy. Those times are more frequent now. But I know it’ll go away every time. And right now I’m like getting the urge to bail again but we’re moving in together. So yeah it’s quite the hurricane in my brain right now but I can’t share this with people. You can’t tell your parents “I’m scared bf is abusing me, but I swear he’s not” because they’ll think it’s happening. It’s like other forms of unspeakable OCDs and I’ve had plenty of those too. This just seems so different directed at someone other than myself. It’d be so much easier for me honestly if I thought I was a monster for no reason because honestly I’ve lived with that before and it wouldn’t phase me at this point. So sometimes I feel being single would fix it bc then it wouldn’t matter whether it’s OCD or a real incompatibility. But that’s not what I want I guess as I can never even begin to break up. It seems dumb when I try and I’m like what no I don’t want to even do that. Fingers crossed and actual prayers that this Zoloft can help me think more clearly. And that bf and I can do what makes us both happy and healthy.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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795
Location
England
Your mind seems so very full, it must be difficult to find peace. Do you have times where you feel peace and are not thinking about your symptoms? Times where you can just be you, yourself, all of you, without names.
 
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EstherRose94

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Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,881
Location
USA
Yes I do. It kindof comes and goes. It’ll be like a couple weeks of the above and then a couple weeks feeling normal. Idk why, like I’ve never been able to figure it out. But it is hard because like for example I feel better right now but I was not pumped about my bf for like the past week. So obviously now I feel like I have to do damage control for like last week paranoid Rose lol. So yeah idk. The Zoloft hasn’t been increased for long enough to tell a difference yet but at my first dose I already had that back and forth thing less so maybe it’ll like go away idk.
 
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