So here I am again - Anxiety over texts?

elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
33
Location
Kent
#1
So this I believe is my fourth or fifth post on this forum and it's about something I haven't opened up about yet. So basically, I'm forever checking my phone and feeling overwhelming sadness when I don't get a text/message back. I work in an office environment all day every day and I'm allowed to have my phone basically whenever I like (providing the boss doesn't catch me too many times) so I have my phone at hand a lot. I understand that not everyone has this luxury and that some people don't get to look at their phones for hours, sometimes even days at a time. However, whenever I don't get a response to a text, I start creating these ridiculous scenarios in my head like "what if they're not responding because they don't like me?" or "what if something's happened to them?". Next thing I know, my minds going off on a tangent and I just end up upsetting myself. For example, there's a guy in my new group of friends who seems particularly interested in me (we've kissed a few times etc) but we're not actually in a relationship. We message every day long, lengthy messages but now all of a sudden I'm hearing from him a lot less. Granted, he is revising for an important observation in his work and none of the others have heard from him today/last night much either, and no doubt he will message eventually. So even though I know all of this, and it all makes perfect sense, I keep feeling so anxious!

I think a lot of this is due to previous experiences with my last (and only) boyfriend. I've talked about him a lot in previous threads, but basically he was unbearable when it came to answering his phone :( He would purposely cut off my phone calls and deliberately ignore my messages, and it was always for ridiculous reasons that were pretty inexcusable. I put up with this behaviour for two years until it finally came to light that he had an inappropriate relationship with someone who was supposed to be my best friend. As you can probably imagine, this whole situation was extremely anxiety provoking. Since then, I've had a really hard time trusting others and thinking they don't like me or are ignoring me. I hate feeling uncertain or uneasy in any situation and I like to be in control, but I also understand that we can't always be in control of everything in our lives. My friend will message back eventually, I know he will (at least I hope so), but I can't seem to shake this feeling! If anyone else has anything similar that they're experiencing or any advice on how to deal with this then please let me know. Thank you for reading xx
 
C

Charmander

Member
Joined
Jun 17, 2018
Messages
6
#2
I experience the exact same thing when my boyfriend doesn't reply for awhile or hasn't messaged me for majority of the day. The best advice I can give Is stop clock watching or phone watching. Busy yourself elsewhere, occupy your mind with something else and stop yourself from looking at your phone - put it in a drawer of turn it screen down and on silent so you can't see if you have a text or not. Your logical mind is still active as you say he is busy revising and his focus is elsewhere. Just keep telling yourself that whenever those thoughts of "Hes not interested" come into your mind. It's really easy for our anxious minds to reach worse case scenario and then make that the forefront. But 9 times out of 10 we're wrong and just giving in to over thinking. I hope you can put your focus elsewhere and ease your mind :) or you can always chat to others! I know I would willing part take in any chit chat on here.
 
H

Hemas

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Romania
#3
Well if the boyfriend experience is the cause of the anxiety and issues that followed, you should find a way to let go of the experience. You have to rationalize that it's part of the past, that just because you were hurt by another person, it doesn't mean that everyone will do it or is doing it and even if someone is doing it, that is their problem and depending on the circumstance you can either stop interacting with said person or talk about it with them and know what's really going on.

Expectations and wanting to feel in control can also cause anxiety as you are setting up in your head how others should behave or how the world around you has to be. And when what you think and what actually happens do not go as you want, anxiety, frustration, doubt, anger etc. kick in.

I also have an issue in regards to texting but it's kind of the opposite, I feel anxiety while texting or wanting to text someone. I tell myself similar things to what you tell yourself, "What if they don't want to talk to me?", "What if I say the wrong thing ?", "I shouldn't try to text person "N" after weeks of not talking with them because it's been so long now and maybe they don't want to talk to me anymore.". This has caused a lot of friction within me and my friendships/relationships, because I put myself in a mental place where I couldn't interact properly with others, they thought I was the one who didn't want to talk to them or when talking to them it was like nothing happened, everything was fine and just in my head.

And the way I get past this isn't to simply do it, that's the second part. I first try to rationalize my thoughts and emotions. I put them to question and see if they have any truth to them or if they should even exist in the first place, do they serve any purpose to actually help me or are they just a survival / coping mechanism that I developed and I let myself be controlled by them.

After doing that, the change starts to happen and I see things for what they are and I am able to go on with what I wanted to do or say because the anxiety is extremely low or inexistent at this point.

The more you look at your thoughts and feelings objectively and see them for what they are, the easier it gets to push past them and be free.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
33
Location
Kent
#4
Thank you so much for your response :) Some days I wish I could just leave my phone at home and have done with it, but then nobody would be able to reach me. I try hard to ignore it but those thoughts keep creeping in wherever they can :( I'm trying to stay calm and brush these things off but for some reason this has become such a huge focus of mine. It's even gotten to the point where I'm literally waking up several times in the night to check my phone (which is silly really as people will be in bed anyway). I live in constant fear that other people don't like me and that I don't deserve friendships or love. I'm on medication at the moment but I'm considering asking for a stronger dosage when I visit the doctor next week. But I'll definitely take everything you've said into account and try and be more positive :) Thank you xx
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Active member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
33
Location
Kent
#5
Thank you for your kind words :) They're very reassuring. I'm trying so hard not to overthink as this new group of friends are so carefree and outgoing, which is basically the opposite of me. I'm also trying to separate my previous relationship from this new potential one as they're both completely different. This new guy is a very busy person and has a very demanding job so it's understandable that I wouldn't hear from him as often as I'd like to. I'm sure I'll get a text from him tonight at some point and he'll tell me all about his day. I feel like the anxiety is so much worse when I'm at work though. Even though I love my job and what I do, sometimes the boredom drives me mad. I have a colleague who puts on the exact same songs every single day without fail which really aggravate me from time to time as it's all you can hear. My colleagues are also much older than me so it's hard to distract myself by talking with them. My health has declined a bit since working here too :( I'll definitely take all your advice on board though :) Thank you xx