So confused

[kizwiz]

Hello,

I'm Kiz and I think I have Bipolar. I have suffered with mental health issues for over 10 years now and recently moved and was given a very hands on doctor. He took one look at my record and alarm bells rang with him.

He referred me to the local mental health team who I am due to see in a few weeks.

I am so confused by my state of mind right now. I can go thro relative calm states for months but then something happens which turns my head upside down and I then go thro periods of either complete mania when nothing is ever right and I feel like ripping my own head off and anyone else who gets in my way. I hate myself to such a deep dispair that I they only way m brain works out to get rid of it all is to do something very stupid. Up until a few weeks ago my rational self has always said "shut it you crazy cow how could you do something so selfish" but now its a totally a different story.

The Doc has given me some new meds in the meantime because my anti-d's just are not working anymore but the ones he has given me are very sedative (because of the very very black moods and the inability to sleep or rest)

Now they have also given me valium because when I am in a manic episode nothing will bring me down from the ceiling.

I feel totally selfish and I dont know what is happening inside my head.

I believe that my Grandma on my maternal side had undiagnosed Bipolar and the doc seems to think that all the things are leading to me being diagnosed with the same thing but without seeing the mental health team he is powerless really.

I guess what I am trying to say is.... is this normal? Well.... as normal as things can get

 

[shalee]

hi there.

i don't really have any exact answers for you of course..but i just wanted to post in response so you would know that someone is listening

i don't like to use the word normal to describe myself because no, i do not feel 'normal' according to society's standards, but what IS normal, really? i think mental health issues are a hell of a lot more common than people let on, and i think there are many people who just won't admit it due to stigma, fear, whatever the case may be.

when you use the word confusion, that really rings true to me. one of the best words i can use to describe my states is confusion. i never know what in god's name i'm feeling, i never know what i'm going to do or think next..i never have any explanation as to WHY i'm feeling a certain way..and if i do try to give an explanation, it is so out the window and lacking sense.

some of my states are very mixed. i will feel symptoms of mania and symptoms of depression at the same time, or quick switch between the two just like a light switch. it leads to some very storming days in my life.

i never really know if what i'm feeling is a mixed state, or mania, or hypomania. my psychiatrist seems to have much better insight into it than i do. personally, i find it ALL very confusing. i can always tell a depressive state....they speak so loud and clearly for themselves, but any state related to a degree of mania just leaves me confused. i *think* that my mania periods in the past have been these periods that come and go..what stands out most in my mind is my overwhelming OBSESSION with one particular thing..an unnatural fixation on one thing..normally something very creative, very artsy, very uncharacteristic of my normal scientific self. i will become so fixated on something that i will drop everything, and i will speak of nothing else for days on end. my entire world will revolve around it. i'll stop eating, sleeping, or even moving off the couch, you name it. i'll just sit here and ruminate over the same thing, over and over again. my most recent one is a fixation on taking 120 film photographs of nature. my lord..the obsession is so strong it's like i cannot bear to do anything else in life except indulge myself in this one thing. yet, i am so bloody lazy, i can't get off the couch and go DO it, so instead i just sit here obsessing, chattering and jittering on about it, etc. i don't go to work, i barely leave the house...i just sit here obsessing over old film stills of nature, lol. it sort of makes me laugh because it such a strong yet ridiculous feeling.

i think you will really like seeing the mental health team, as long as you stand for what you believe in and get good communication going on with them. i'm currently seeing a local team as well, consisting of a psychiatrist, my family doctor, and a psychiatric nurse. it's really nice to have three different people to talk to, with three different opinions, three different ways of talking to me, etc. it offers me variety when i get frustrated with one person, which i tend to do very quickly

like your opinion on your grandmother, i think my mother had some psyc issues, but never really spoke of it. she is gone now, so i cannot talk to her about it.

 

[herbie]

hi Kiz. A lot of what you say is very familiar to me, particularly how I felt last year when I was coming up to diagnosis and immediately after while a treatment regime was being sorted out. It does get a bit better once the treatment starts to work and things stabilise a bit.

Your use of the word "selfish" rings a lot of bells with me. It's a feeling I have all the time, particularly when I'm feeling bad and needy. Its at times like that (well, like now actually) that I tend to turn to forums and groups like this, where no-one really knows me. It seems preferable to leaning on my friends and family.

The thing I hate most is being so dependent. Dependent on meds to feel normal. Dependent on friends and family just to keep going in my daily life. That makes me feel selfish and I hate it.