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Slipping Again

Cally

Cally

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2013
Messages
15
Location
Manchester
I've said in my first few posts about being diagnosed with depression and that I was on meds for a long while but have since come off them (two years or so ago now). I also said that I don't really have any problems with depression anymore but to be honest, I'm not so sure. I think I'm slipping again.

My home is a right state, I can't keep on top of the housework at all and I'm not really looking after myself anymore. Things keep upsetting me, silly things and my fuse has been cut pretty short. I've gone back to using a 'coping method' when I get really upset - suicide, well, thoughts of it. I find that sometimes it's the only thing that really calms me down. I stop crying, I relax and can carry on with my day without any more problems. Just knowing that I don't have to carry on is enough to enable me to do just that.

I've used this method for years, without any really serious thoughts of suicide. No planning or anything. I don't for one second think I could do it - mostly because I know what damage it can do to friends and family as one of my best friends killed himself when I was 20. I couldn't put my mum or my partner through that.

I've been burying myself in an online game, which I love and enjoy, the people I play with are lovely, it's great fun and it's one of the few ways I can have contact with people but I spend too much time playing it and use it as a way to avoid doing much else.

I don't want to go back onto meds again for depression though and I think if I could just sort my home out - actually get the dishes done, catch up with the laundry etc, I'd feel a lot better. Having a tidy, clean home is important to me but I just can't get the motivation together to do more than 20 minutes of cleaning.

The housework is mostly up to me, my partner doesn't really do much (in respect to housework, he does a lot of other stuff for me/us) other than blitz the kitchen when I get really behind with it. But whenever he does that he ends up in a bad mood and usually takes it out on me. I don't like asking him to help me with stuff because most of the mess is mine. I do the cooking, the mess in the living room is mostly mine, the messes in the bedroom is hamster stuff (again mine) and the spare bedroom is all my stuff plus the laundry (I do the laundry). It's all down to me so I can't expect him to do it, I don't like asking anyway because it makes me feel guilty.

I need to get back on top of things, I had all this household organising stuff sorted out but my stupid printer refuses to print it and I'm struggling to do anything without being properly organised. I just don't know where to start :cry:

I don't want to slip back into that big black hole but I don't know how to get back to a place where I'm happy and able to cope :cry: Don't really know what I'm asking by posting but had to get it off my chest.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
44,650
Location
Lancashire
Hiya Cally

I know you don't want to go back on meds, but would it be an idea to ask for the ones you know work for you, so that you can get your head above water a little? But, as you say, meds are not the long term answer. So can you start with one tiny thing, eg wash up the dishes then sit down.

If that is too much, choose something even smaller. Set your goal at the level you can do, not the level you feel you shoulddo.

As for your partner, why don't you write him a letter. It sounds silly, but it often gives you time to think about what to say and it gives him tie to digest what you are saying without the emotions and words flying around and getting in the way of the communication. If he sees you are going to address the problems in some way, he can see how he can help without being over loaded.

Take care xxx
 
M

megslo

Guest
Isn't it crazy upsetting when you can't even do the dishes? I've literally thrown out dishes instead of doing them. I try so hard to keep up with myself and keeping the house livable, but it is hard. I hate the view of depressed people as 'lazy'. If people even lived for a day with our minds they'd never judge again.
 
Cally

Cally

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2013
Messages
15
Location
Manchester
Thank you for the replies :)

Hiya Cally

I know you don't want to go back on meds, but would it be an idea to ask for the ones you know work for you, so that you can get your head above water a little? But, as you say, meds are not the long term answer. So can you start with one tiny thing, eg wash up the dishes then sit down.

If that is too much, choose something even smaller. Set your goal at the level you can do, not the level you feel you shoulddo.
If I can't get my self together pretty soon I think meds will be the best option. I don't want to go back on them but I'd rather than end up back where I was a few years ago. I was on Sertraline which really, really helped me but I was tired a lot of the time, sleeping for 16+ hours a night, plus naps during the day. My sleeping patterns are bad enough at the moment as it is :( Will see what the docs says next week, plan on calling up to arrange a home visit on Monday (mostly for agoraphobia/anxiety problems but depression too now I guess).

I've written a list of what I need to get done, mostly small things. Once I get back on top of things I'll be fine again for a while at least.

As for your partner, why don't you write him a letter. It sounds silly, but it often gives you time to think about what to say and it gives him tie to digest what you are saying without the emotions and words flying around and getting in the way of the communication. If he sees you are going to address the problems in some way, he can see how he can help without being over loaded.

Take care xxx
I chatted to him last night and he offered to help me get the flat sorted for when the GP comes which although has made me feel better in relation to getting ready for the GP, I'm now dreading him ending up in a bad mood. But then again the mood won't last, I can bribe smiles out of him with cups of tea lol.

Isn't it crazy upsetting when you can't even do the dishes? I've literally thrown out dishes instead of doing them. I try so hard to keep up with myself and keeping the house livable, but it is hard. I hate the view of depressed people as 'lazy'. If people even lived for a day with our minds they'd never judge again.
Yeah it is upsetting for sure! It's kind of a viscous circle for me too - don't do the dishes because I feel a bit down = feeling even worse = can't do the dishes etc etc.

My mum struggles with the concept of being unable to do stuff like that, she does see it as laziness a lot of the time. Annoys the hell out of me but no amount of explaining seems to make her see it from my point of view. Guess unless you experience it you can't really understand what it's like.
 
Z

zterin

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2013
Messages
124
Afraid I don't have a lot to say, but I know how sometimes even just minor support from strangers can seem nice. Focusing on the small things is the best option, at least from what I see. Sometimes it seems like everything is just major work, but even just a few minutes a day is some progress. Making 20 minutes of housework while down is damn near heroic.

Hopefully the doctor will be able to help. I don't really know about the meds, so I can't say whether or not they sound like a good idea, but from another person I know, sometimes they are what you need to stabilize.

Hoping for the best. :)
 
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