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Sinking and no one to turn to

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dazed-and-confused

New member
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
1
Hi, I'm brand new here, I've arrived because my depression has hit it's worst depths ever. I've felt myself falling for a while now but had plateau'd at what felt like a manageable level, I was just about keeping my head above the water, fragile but surviving. That is until my partner of 5 years delivered some news that completely flipped my world upside down. I think even if I hadn't been in a fragile state it probably would have broken me anyway, but the timing really couldn't have been much worse.

I feel I should put a warning here, this post contains some distressing information relating to child abuse.

About 3 months ago I was working from home when someone knocked on the door, when I opened it I was greeted by two police men, and oddly there was also a young woman stood sheepishly in the garden, avoiding eye contact and obviously not wanting to get too close. After the initial confusion and bombardment of thoughts like who's died etc, the police asked if they could speak to my partner, I informed them he was at work and wouldn't be back until much later. After a short burst of questions and very little information, they handed me a card and left with a parting statement of 'It's up to him if he'd like to cooperate'.

Having absolutely no clue what the hell was going on I rang him, I told him what had happened - missing out the very last detail of their parting comment, as I didn't want to worry him anymore than was necessary (how stupid I was). I asked him if something had happened, he sounded so sincere and honest, no he couldn't think of anything, he even laughed nervously and said 'you're scaring me now', like he was completely innocent and I was causing this.

20 minutes later he walks through the door, looking like he'd seen a ghost. My stomach flipped inside me and I wanted to throw up, he sat me down in the living room and said he needed to tell me something. It felt like an eternity between that first sentence and then the following one, he struggled to get it out and he had my full petrified attention.

He has a fetish for getting caught, he said. He'd gone to our local supermarket car park and spotted a young pretty blond and parked alongside her car, he then proceeded to satisfy himself in front of her. It was 6pm on a week night, the car park was almost full. Three women gave statements to the police that day. (I found out later that he was in my car, with the child seat in the back.)

He ended there and my brain just leapt into damage control, we had a daughter, a mortgage, I work part time because our daughter is still so little, we needed his wage, his job. He was so pathetic after he'd told me, he seemed so weak and childlike, I could barely bring myself to look at him. I told him he needed to get advice, find a solicitor and get in touch with the police.

The next few days were a living nightmare, I felt myself spiralling further and further, I sold my car on a whim the day after I found out how tainted it was, I couldn't make sense of anything, I blamed myself. After having our daughter the delivery had caused so much damage and took so long to heal our sex life had been far from perfect, then a few months previously I'd had a miscarriage which had meant it suffered again as I came to terms with it. I was so wrapped up in my issues, it was all my fault, I drove him to it.

Once he'd met with his solicitor and they'd gone to the police station, where he'd had his mug shot and fingerprints stored for all eternity, he came home and once again dropped a bombshell. He wanted to tell me his story. He said he was a sex addict, not sex with me though, in fact in the early days it was always me who initiated it, just porn. He'd watched it since he was 8, a lot, to the point where it had caused him to withdraw from reality, friendships, relationships.

Then it gets worse, he said he was desensitised to sex because his great granddad was a paedophile and had subjected his sister to unspeakable acts when she was a little girl, he was too young to remember but the fall out lasted long enough to impact him. He even started sending naked photos of himself to his own sister, when he was just a child.

Three months later, we're still dealing with the fall out, thankfully he was issued a caution and has since been seeing a counsellor, albeit not as often as he should. I had made the decision to try and support him through this, given it was born from a horrible past and he needed help. But now the dust has settled I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to do this. All my strength is going into making sure my daughter is living in 'normality', I need to be happy for her, and make her childhood as wonderful as it should be, I just want to take her away from any shred of darkness and protect her. But when she's not here, I feel like I'm falling apart, and there's no one I can talk to as it's all so awful and he did such a despicable thing. I could cope with if it was just a bit of porn, I can understand why he kept his past from me, but I can't forgive the betrayal, I feel like he was hiding an affair, I feel lied to throughout our entire relationship, I feel so, so stupid for not seeing any of the warning signs.

To make matters worse, I'm off my anti-depressants, and this is because I'm pregnant. I recognise the severity of my depression right now, and I'm terrified about what's around the corner. I'm laying all my hopes on a man I can't trust. I've never felt more vulnerable and alone. And I want to be the best mum I can possibly be, but what if after the birth the depression gets even worse? I'm so, so scared and I don't have a clue what to do to make any of it better.

Thank you so much for reading. I know how long and messed up this all is, it helps just getting it down on virtual paper.
 
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TommySko

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
8
Wow, that’s a lot for someone with no issues to handle but I think people have a strength they never recognize until it’s needed. You have to realize how strong you are because you are here asking people to listen to you and help. It also sounds like you have a rather small child that will need you now more than ever, take splice in that child and make them the focal point to find joy. You can do this but not alone find professional help
 
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Seany53

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 16, 2018
Messages
53
Dear dazed and confused, that's more than one person can handle and more than a hundred of me could handle. You're strong and awesome and of there's anything I can do to help from here lemme know. But please please if possible seek help from someone
 
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