Single 6 years, wishing is getting to me

Y939

Y939

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#1
I feel ridiculous writing this, as though I shouldn't get upset about "not having a boyfriend." I feel almost ashamed, like it's silly and anti-feminist. But I've been single 6 years now, it was January 2012 that I broke up with my first boyfriend of 5 years, who I was completely in love with, but it was difficult, toxic at times, and was never going to get anywhere. I healed for a long time and didn't want another relationship. But now I really feel the pangs of longing and loneliness. Both my friends have been in relationships for years, and they are so :love:. I miss going out to town with a guy I love and who is my best friend. I go out sometimes with the girls, but I miss being out there with a romantic partner. I miss all the relationship stuff, yada yada, you know what I'm talking about. I actually feel heartbroken and sad, there is a sinking feeling in my chest and I feel embarrassed to feel this way.

I am on dating sites for people with anxiety and other mental health problems, but after a year, nothing. I've dabbled in "normal" dating sites, but I don't want to pay £30+ a month to chat to people who can't understand me and don't live like me (I've been a hermit for years!), and I'm scared of sites like POF and OKCupid because I have seen the hurtful messages that women get. Inboxes filled with vile and insults. I'm too thin-skinned for that and the absolute worst thing someone could say to me is "you are ugly," as I got that at school every day and it's what pushed my inherent social anxiety over the edge into mental health problems.

I don't know what my point is here, I just log in to dating sites and burst into tears now. I trawl for others, but it looks absolutely Hopeless out there. I currently (still) don't go out anywhere alone, so online is really my only path. And I hate long distance!! Do not want that hell again.

I know I should throw this desire out and start swaying to Single Ladies, but I want to have romantic love in my life again. I miss having a best friend this way.
 
burt tomato

burt tomato

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#2
Do you have a local drop-in or support group? a day centre or anything? It may help to meet local people.
 
Y939

Y939

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#3
I'm not really sure what we have locally, but when I saw my support worker at the mental health centre, I looked at the groups that were advertised on the walls. I've known for a long time that I need to try going to groups, but every time I've tried to attend one in the past, I spent the morning in tears and ended up not going. My social anxiety is very severe. I panic when I'm in public alone, and feel lost. My mum comes with me to most things, and I can't imagine meeting the next love of my life with my mother present lol. That's why I feel my only choice is online, but that's not working out for me either. Nor would it get me the local, physically-present relationship I dream of.
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

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#4
I met my bf on poem of fish .com we've been together coming up ten years now.
I have to admit there were some unsavoury chRacters on there lol
But just ignore them there ARE nice men out there just talk to some and if they start getting pervy or making you uncomfortable log off and block them
If you just chat for ages don't be in a hurry to meet up it helps.
 
Y939

Y939

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#5
Thank you, I know a lot of people go on POF and if there is an anxious guy for me, he would most likely join one of these common, free ones. But I don't think I could handle comments on my appearance, I've been scared off of regular websites in the past after getting nasty messages insulting my face and teeth. It destroys me, I know that's silly but someone telling me that I am ugly is emotional murder! It's always been my biggest issue for the last 12 years.
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

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#6
Hi I would say don't put a picture up I didn't but my friend went on there and she said they make you now
Maybe just show a close up of your eye or something
If a guy is pressuring you for a photo block! Job done speak to someone who will talk to you WITHOUT seeing a photo of u its kind of sneaky but it works.
I would say you don't need another anxious guy you just need a kind guy chat to people and see what happens my friend just met someone in There and he's an engineer I said go for it LOL
 
Y939

Y939

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#7
Yeah they do seem to demand a photo now. I joined yesterday just to have a look, and it said I'm invisible without a photo. So I just closed it. I don't know if I can get/send messages without one. OKCupid was the same, it demanded a photo before I could even get in.

My last boyfriend was "normal," had no mental health problems, he did his best with me but I was difficult. I also feel like most Normals wouldn't understand my weird life at all! So I just imagine someone anxious.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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#8
I feel ridiculous writing this, as though I shouldn't get upset about "not having a boyfriend." I feel almost ashamed, like it's silly and anti-feminist. But I've been single 6 years now, it was January 2012 that I broke up with my first boyfriend of 5 years, who I was completely in love with, but it was difficult, toxic at times, and was never going to get anywhere. I healed for a long time and didn't want another relationship. But now I really feel the pangs of longing and loneliness. Both my friends have been in relationships for years, and they are so :love:. I miss going out to town with a guy I love and who is my best friend. I go out sometimes with the girls, but I miss being out there with a romantic partner. I miss all the relationship stuff, yada yada, you know what I'm talking about. I actually feel heartbroken and sad, there is a sinking feeling in my chest and I feel embarrassed to feel this way.

I am on dating sites for people with anxiety and other mental health problems, but after a year, nothing. I've dabbled in "normal" dating sites, but I don't want to pay £30+ a month to chat to people who can't understand me and don't live like me (I've been a hermit for years!), and I'm scared of sites like POF and OKCupid because I have seen the hurtful messages that women get. Inboxes filled with vile and insults. I'm too thin-skinned for that and the absolute worst thing someone could say to me is "you are ugly," as I got that at school every day and it's what pushed my inherent social anxiety over the edge into mental health problems.

I don't know what my point is here, I just log in to dating sites and burst into tears now. I trawl for others, but it looks absolutely Hopeless out there. I currently (still) don't go out anywhere alone, so online is really my only path. And I hate long distance!! Do not want that hell again.

I know I should throw this desire out and start swaying to Single Ladies, but I want to have romantic love in my life again. I miss having a best friend this way.
I have no idea about the rest of the post, but this bit in bold that I have highlighted:

This, I thought was important. The internet now means that morons have a voice. This is why, in some ways, I preferred 'pre-internet' life, because there are so many of them, that they take over, what could be a good thing (the internet), and in the process also take over society.

I know this because one of the only internet things I use is youtube, and I sometimes takes a few minutes to read comments.

I'll be looking at classical musicians, and there will be a child prodigy, who at 8 days old can play an entire 16th century ensemble, and there will be 1000 (n) and comments, saying 'he's fuckin shit' or 'he's out of time'... comments to that level :LOL:

The world has gone mad! :LOL: If you want to join those things, then do it, but keep your identity, and personal self safe, and just delete these type comments. Don't reply to them, that is what they want.


edit
:welcome: to forums btw

edit2: or go by the advice in post 2 which is even better, meet people in real life by joining clubs and that :)
 
Y939

Y939

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#9
I know exactly what you mean, the internet is truly a horrible place, and I wonder if it's made people crueller than we used to be. YouTube is one of the nastiest, and I'd gotten so freaked out by my fellow man from reading YouTube comments that I installed an add-on that makes them all invisible. It's lovely! Now I can watch anything without being reminded why I don't go outside, lol.

I think I will see what happens on POF without a picture (if anything). I really wish I could meet someone in real life, but being the way I am, and have been for more than ten years, I don't see how it's possible. I can't even go in the garden. :( I'm working on things, but... Time. And I wonder if groups will ever be feasible. I wonder if I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, and people with AvPD don't go to groups, nor are they advised to.
 
Mayfair

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#10
I know exactly what you mean, the internet is truly a horrible place, and I wonder if it's made people crueller than we used to be. YouTube is one of the nastiest, and I'd gotten so freaked out by my fellow man from reading YouTube comments that I installed an add-on that makes them all invisible. It's lovely! Now I can watch anything without being reminded why I don't go outside, lol.
I don't think people are crueller really. It's just that more people have more access to being cruel.

I like having availability of comments, then the choice is mine.

I don't generally read anything. I just either use youtube to find things that I find interesting, or I watch the same ones over again if I like them. I'm not into comments, they don't interest me, when someone says ' this is shit' or whatever, I just make my own opinion and that's enough for me. Either I like it, or I don't. I rarely comment, but only to say if I find something brilliant, then I will say so.

I

I think I will see what happens on POF without a picture (if anything). I really wish I could meet someone in real life, but being the way I am, and have been for more than ten years, I don't see how it's possible. I can't even go in the garden. :( I'm working on things, but... Time. And I wonder if groups will ever be feasible. I wonder if I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, and people with AvPD don't go to groups, nor are they advised to.
I think you should try venture into the garden, and enjoy being outside. There don't have to be any others there.

I don't and never have used dating sites to meet anyone (mainly because I'm not interested in this type of thing) - though I do have a POF account, I joined it when it started, and though I've never used it, I managed to turn off emails - but couldn't get rid of it completely. I never posted a picture though. (and to my knowledge never had a reply)

Even if you are female, I think without a picture, you're unlikely to get a response.

I don't buy into this 'looks don't mean anything' - of course they do, and if going on a date - then unless set up by a friend - I wouldn't go out on a date without a picture first.
 
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H

hello513

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#11
Well I haven't been single that long, but I do get really lonely. Most of my relationships have been relatively short with one exception.
 
N

natalie

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#12
Hi Folks,


I personally don't deal with dating on line sites, for me I feel they are unsafe for in person based security and safety reasons.


However, I have been single for many many years, and for over the past 6 years, I have had happily single based on my part, a mutual strong admirer, we're both attracted to each other, or at least one hopes, this is the case, and he is in a line of work, sorry can't name drop actual type of work, in my care and community centre location, in the North West of London. Now even coming up to 7 years linked, via him, I know that he still has very pleasant friendly manner, a good personality, as a bonus, he happens to be earning, and it is a further bonus (this factor comes a lot later in my opinon) that if they happen to be very good looking, and physically strong. As I say we're coming up to 7 years having been linked, and hopefully many more to come, and I still feel very much attracted to him.

This of matching up for someone can easily be done, non on line situations, and very much better and still better as mere normal as can be, in person, and offline.

Should it so happen, off the record, I do find him still extremely attractive.

Best Regards All,


Natalie.