• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

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BipolarOrVictim

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Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
Just wrote.... a beautiful essay.... and shitty forum logged me out from too much inactivity. And made it impossible to grab the info I just had before moving on.


So fuck you forum system. You suck and you need to be fixed. This is a fucking mental health forum.... it should be fucking smooth running and if someone has a LOT to say they shouldn't have to copy paste it before hitting submit.

AGAIN. I said... FUCK YOU forum system.


I handicap myself before going at anything other people go at. It makes me STRONGER. Here is my handicap for you guys. I DO DRUGS. I have been attempting to quit the typical vices... weed... booze... nicotine... food... soda... and have been jumping around killing myself with each lol. But the REAL drugs I did were acid and shrooms.... and its been a long time since.



So....

I was forced to go to a psych ward. My father lied to the police saying I was suicidal. Police didnt like how much of a dick I was to them and how I knew what ALL of them were thinking and all the "evidence" they were compiling against me. I called the sergeant SO many names. Sergeant goes outside and decides my fate with a few other cops.. i go to the psych ward.


I get there... I fight for whats right.... they give me lithium.... i wake up... talk to a doctor for 5 minutes... put on an act like I want to be helped and he defines bipolar for me... and i lie and say "OOOOOH emotions changing... not people switching... I can see me having that"

Within 5 minutes of talking to a patient who just woke up on lithium.... I was literally perscribed the most intense anti-psychotic drug known to man. Respirdal.

I assumed since I had taken acid... and could clear my head while on it.... I could do the same with respirdal.

This .... was easily.... the most costly mistake I have ever made.

I end up getting fucked with by patients or inferring they are fucking with me from what they say. "The doctors are always watching you" they say. Which was TRUE. But I cant be getting mixed signals in a place like that.


I end up in a padded room.... on respirdal.... and i think of my best course of action.... and I just start singing the national anthem as loudly and proudly as I could....

I was not ready. The world was not ready. My patriotism for what this country could be.... the beauty of my voice.... the perfection of the love I had.... all died in that padded room.....

anyways.... I built an audience up... tons of doctors and nurses outside my room watching.... talking.... and i ignored their presence and continued singing.... and my audience dulled down a bit... and I was not ready....... not ready to be in the trenches... fighting for whats right.... not ready to maintain my position and fight everything all at once.....

and i broke.

"GOD DAMNIT YOU KNOW IM SANE! LET ME OUT! LET ME FREE! RELEASE ME! THIS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL! I AM NOT A THREAT! FREE ME! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!"

supervisor comes.... tells me to calm down for 5 minutes...

I do...

Get put into the most helpless position on a chair.... by the guy I yelled at... who I know knew I was sane.... and he walked me down the hallway in this chair.... and he moved from the left to the right down the hallway.... and he said "Do you know whats got you in here?"

and I knew I was being fucked with. helpless.


a week goes by of me cycling through fighting to get out.... and taking the drugs and trying to be a good boy....


the docotrs knowing the whole time... how fucked my head must be... and how I'm speaking isnt normal.... so they take advantage....


there was a LOT more to this story..... but basically i continued taking the drugs because my father threatened me i was going back to the psych ward if i stopped.

I was laying next to my girl of many many years... and just suddenly was overwhelmed with emotion. This DEEP love. I finally HEARD her speak. It was beautiful. It was.

But no. I am in charge of what goes on in my head. I am in charge of what I get or don't get. And if it's not me.... its god. Not some therapists world views combined with unclear trial and error science. Not my father who wants me to act "normal". ME! What I WANT!

And I do NOT want emotions. Not those kinds. I have my OWN and they act HOW THEY DO. PERIOD.

And you know.... for the past 2 years.... I have fought. Fought the impossible. And overcame.


SO MUCH RAGE. You CANNOT understand. If you did... you wouldn't be you right now. You would only be the rage.

I overcame. I overcame my hate for the psych ward. I overcame my hate for my dad. I overcame my hate for society. I overcame each and every problem I could find. I tied up every loose end. I apologized to old friends who I had hurt. I made everything perfect. I zen'd myself into happiness.


But theres just one problem....

Even after all this..... after all my strife... my actions... my victories... my defeats... my lessons.... after hitting rock bottom... and still having that tether to pull myself up out of the darkness...... theres still

one

thing.....


I am broken.

God help me.


I for so long have believed in this "global consciousness" what I feel takes place... and I've started to think... I'm the most selfish bastard in the world. I need WAY more signs than other people that God is real and he has a plan for us.

All I want.... is what he cant fucking give me....

APPEAR. BEFORE. ME!

WHISPER ONE TIME in my head "God is real"

ONE TIME!

PLEASE!
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
There is an autosave feature for posts cut by internet interuptions you may be able to save the post if you didn't post over it on the same thread.
 
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B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
There is an autosave feature for posts cut by internet interuptions you may be able to save to post if you didn't post over it on the same thread.
How? It logged me out.

I signed back in... attempting back space button.... forward.. refresh.... no go.
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
No one pays for what they've done. Only me. I am burning alive from the inside. And one day will be ready to burn alive from the outside for everyone to see.
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
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Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
The society is to blame. And I will be as strong as Socrates.... I will follow all your rules... and I will overcome. I will overcome myself.... and I will overcome ALL of you.
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

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Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
Even if it means.... harming myself and looking god straight in the eye and never once flinching.

I will acquire change. At any personal cost.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
How? It logged me out.

I signed back in... attempting back space button.... forward.. refresh.... no go.
The link appears at the bottom left corner of the reply box in the same place as you made the original post. I will say restore autosaved content. but only works if you havn't reposted in the same place as the original post after. I think we've all had that happen once in a while. Sorry if you have lost your post though. Know how frustrating that is.
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
But as far as me being broken is concerned....


my problem is I can't shut off truffle pig mode.

Truffles being a rare mushroom type nugget... pigs being the things that sniff them out.


ALL my brain does is QUESTION intent. "What is this person trying to do?" "Is he lying?" "Is she cheating?" "Does my dad love me"


And I havent been able to turn it off since the psych ward..... and its fucking OBVIOUS why I cant.... they fucking BROKE me.


So I am at the point where.... I need medication. I just have to have something. And its such a conflict to me since I know I'm an addict.... and also know drugs are literally not the answer. They are rabbit holes... you jump in..... get what you need.... and you jump out.

Everytime I start a new vice.... its still here.

Cigs all around me.

JUST enough weed to smoke if I ever wanted to....

BOOZE in the fridge....

FOOD in the stage of being forgotten. Coming down from 280 now 235......


But it will just cycle... and my throat will always be sore from the smokes... and if its not.... my brain will be fucked up from the weed... and if its not... ill be 300 pounds and dying to some heart disease.... and if its not ill be drunk and developing liver failure.



I love these hydroxine that my brother was prescribed. I took them before when I was on respirdal to calm down.... and they help quite a bit. It feels just like a marihuana high. JUST like it.

And every time I get like this... even mildly.... I want to take SOMETHING.... and I need to save these pills... for when I'm FREAKING out... fucking breathing hard and thinking about shit.


How can I EVER do it alone? And how could I EVER trust the society that did this to me?
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
The link appears at the bottom left corner of the reply box in the same place as you made the original post. I will say restore autosaved content. but only works if you havn't reposted in the same place as the original post after. I think we've all had that happen once in a while. Sorry if you have lost your post though. Know how frustrating that is.

Good advice. I will hope it finds me the next time this happens
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
My ex husband's manic bipolar was triggered immediately after a mushroom trip, we used to say he never came back from his trip years ago. Mushrooms are a dangerous thing to play with and the consequences can be lifelong. Sorry if this is what happened to you. When I lived in Florida a lady in town considered a third generation professional wild mushroom picker killed herself, her children and grandchildren with mushrooms she picked and put in the families spagetti sauce. Bottom line stay away from and wild mushrooms period.
 
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BipolarOrVictim

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Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
The bottom line on shrooms is we dont know what it does and we should be studying it.

Feeble minded people aren't allowed to speak with me. OUT!
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

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Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
Don't think youre feeble minded? PROVE IT TO ME. Modify what you just said to fit what you know is accurate. Keep it in your bullshit little guidelines... and what youre supposed to say.... but MODIFY IT you KNOW its wrong.
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

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Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
Must i do it for you? Child?
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
My ex husband's manic bipolar was triggered immediately after a mushroom trip, we used to say he never came back from his trip years ago. Mushrooms are a dangerous thing to play with and the consequences can be lifelong. Sorry if this is what happened to you. When I lived in Florida a lady in town considered a third generation professional wild mushroom picker killed herself, her children and grandchildren with mushrooms she picked and put in the families spagetti sauce. Bottom line stay away from and wild mushrooms period.


MAKE THIS FIT INTO SOCIETY. THIS IS NOT TRUTH.



Unless you are semantically arguing the "wild" part... and then I will admit defeat.


But ONLY that you came up with a way to say it so that it was accurate merely due to semantics. The intentions of this could be interpreted any way
 
B

BipolarOrVictim

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Feb 2, 2015
Messages
21
Either way.... where are your continued words? ;)
 
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