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Sick of one-sided friendships.

N

naominash

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Mar 26, 2016
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2,606
Location
North Carolina
I have maybe one or two friends that checks in every once in a while to see how I'm doing.

But I do this often with many of my friends. It's like, because I'm not on social media as often,they just forget about me. One of my friends has just started ignoring me for no reason and we've been friends for years.

I'm always the one initiating conversations with my friends. And when people have initiated things with me, it's usually because they have ulterior motives like wanting to borrow money or get sex, or just leech off me some other way.

I love to give gifts, check in, have long conversations, and hang out with my friends from time to time. But they don't seem to initiate that with me.

I'm always there for them. My husband's about to join the army. Who will be there for me? Is it asking a lot to want my friends to initiate friendship things? Does anyone else experience this?

Maybe those two friends that check in every once in a while are my only true friends. I just don't want to think like that.
 
R

Rick(amateur)

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Jun 4, 2017
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Vancouver, Canada
Hi naominash,

Sadly, our society is cruel where a lot of people merely use others and never intended on being a good friend. We all have fair weathered friends who won't be there when we need them the most. We, as humans, generally want to be popular and have lots of friends. However, I believe quality is better than quantity. I'd rather have one or two friends who will always be there for me than a hundred friends who will conveniently be hard to get ahold of during my times of need.

As for real friends, I see them as those who like being around you. They want to spend time doing hobbies or simply hang out. Real friends are also hesitant to ask for money or those sort of things since they feel embarrassed to do such things. My advice is treasure those who enjoy your presence and don't bother with those other people. People come and go all the time but only those special people will remain with you through the highs and lows.

Ironically, I'm still looking for good friends. As a loner, I never enjoyed loneliness but I accepted that there will come a time when I have good friends and just don't want to deal with people who come and go as they please. :)
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
3,381
Location
Pyongyang, DPRK
I have maybe one or two friends that checks in every once in a while to see how I'm doing.

But I do this often with many of my friends. It's like, because I'm not on social media as often,they just forget about me. One of my friends has just started ignoring me for no reason and we've been friends for years.

I'm always the one initiating conversations with my friends. And when people have initiated things with me, it's usually because they have ulterior motives like wanting to borrow money or get sex, or just leech off me some other way.

I love to give gifts, check in, have long conversations, and hang out with my friends from time to time. But they don't seem to initiate that with me.

I'm always there for them. My husband's about to join the army. Who will be there for me? Is it asking a lot to want my friends to initiate friendship things? Does anyone else experience this?

Maybe those two friends that check in every once in a while are my only true friends. I just don't want to think like that.
Hi naominash,

You may be a person pleaser - that is, someone who will do things to make others happy, even if it doesn't make oneself happy. This entails one sided relationships like you mention, so perhaps it's worth considering if this applies to you - there are guides on what it is and how to reduce it online if it does. Just a suggestion though, may not apply.

Equally, you may be the so-called "fat" friend in the relationship. I'm not calling you fat though! - the idea is that people will use you to make themselves feel better, without any concern for your feelings, and this also entails one-sided friendships as one may expect. The way to tackle this is simply to be more vocal about your emotional needs - if your friend thinks its reasonable to ask you for a particular favour, there shouldn't be much problem if you ask them for the same favour (in a balanced relationship, anyways).

I'm glad that you do know that you have those few friends that do care - amidst all these fake friends, it's nice to see those extra special few that are true friends :)

Much love <3
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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Europe
Well I'm really sad to hear that naominash - you deserve some good solid friends around you. First of all I'd say don't stop looking, and don't be afraid to ditch those who are just leeches. Some people are just focused on themselves, and in order to build a good circle of loyal friends around you takes some doing, eliminating non-desirables and inviting those who do seem like "keepers".

It's not just about initiating things though. If they regularly show up on time and react to emotional events in your life and don't leech, that's already quite a bit. Not everyone has the same social impulses, some people are happy with a lot less contact than others. I'd say look for loyalty and those who are not "users".
 
N

naominash

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Joined
Mar 26, 2016
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Location
North Carolina
Well I'm really sad to hear that naominash - you deserve some good solid friends around you. First of all I'd say don't stop looking, and don't be afraid to ditch those who are just leeches. Some people are just focused on themselves, and in order to build a good circle of loyal friends around you takes some doing, eliminating non-desirables and inviting those who do seem like "keepers".

It's not just about initiating things though. If they regularly show up on time and react to emotional events in your life and don't leech, that's already quite a bit. Not everyone has the same social impulses, some people are happy with a lot less contact than others. I'd say look for loyalty and those who are not "users".
Thanks for clarifying that. I do have a few friends who are loyal, if not always in contact. And thanks for saying I deserve good friends. That's kind.
 
NeedHaldol

NeedHaldol

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Jun 8, 2017
Messages
185
My father was a Full Bird Colonel in the Army - JAG/West Point grad for 26 years.

I was in for 2 before I had a psychotic break.

Just to give you a little perspective about military life as a spouse...

There is a lot of infidelity when spouses are deployed.

But, at least when my family was in the Army, there can be a great circle of friends due to being in similar situations where spouses of departed loved ones to be found.

I hope you can find the latter rather than the first.
 
N

naominash

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2016
Messages
2,606
Location
North Carolina
My father was a Full Bird Colonel in the Army - JAG/West Point grad for 26 years.

I was in for 2 before I had a psychotic break.

Just to give you a little perspective about military life as a spouse...

There is a lot of infidelity when spouses are deployed.

But, at least when my family was in the Army, there can be a great circle of friends due to being in similar situations where spouses of departed loved ones to be found.

I hope you can find the latter rather than the first.
We talk about this. My plan is to just be on guard for people who won't encourage me to stay faithful.

I am looking forward to finding new friends once I start living on an army base.

Thank you for your service.
 
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