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sick of it all

Clarityofthought

Clarityofthought

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so tonight i am not under the influence. but i am having a complete and utter re-think on this whole 'depression' and 'SSRI cure' for it. :-( what if depression doesn't really exist - in light of all the media attention lately that ssri's don't really work? i mean, sertraline was working for me after about 2 wks. then seemed to stop working. dose increased and now just not kicking in as before. have i 'pooped out'?? or does depression not really exist and ssri's not really 'cure' it? what if 'depression' is just a state of deep thinking and feeling...no little white pill is going to sort that. i am NOT saying that all the horrible symptoms and mental pain people exist is not real - - i mean that the way the government have termed it 'Depression' and 'cured' it with a pill - - - oh but ha ha ha they haven't really cured it after all!!!! they got me there all right!!! i began to believe someone at the top of whatever drug-making company really cared but no it's all about money. i began to believe there was something i could turn to that would help me back to normality / give me a 'leg up' as it were..... i feel like a fool. i have no faith that this upped dose will make me feel as Without Pain as the initial taking of this thing did :-( i even had the thought of walking into the nearest church and begging to talk to a priest to let out my feelings of self-hate and emotional bettering that i cannot ever seem to really let go of - a priest!! :-D i who stopped believing in the 'god' my mother used to talk about when i was little. stopped believing in because he abandoned me in my time of need. but wanting a priest tonight because i had a stupid thought that there is someone who would care..... i want to cry. but these pills stop me being able to. i almost miss that ability to cry as a form of release. now i just have sad sad thoughts and can do nothing about them. i have tried talking to my husband and he said tonight that it's all too deep for him..... !!!!! yes it is - for me too!!!!! i cannot sleep at night. i was up til 1/4 to 4 am last night well morning :-D i just think and think and think and try desperately to find solutions to all my problems and answers to all my questions but there *are none*!! i have along list of everything that needs doing in my life right now and cannot do anything but survive day to day - day after day after day. i am sick of living like this!!! :-( :-( :-( i want A NORMAL LIFE. i feel like a freak most days now. i feel a mess. i am searching all over for a way out. i am here again because it's all i have. no-one wants to be near all this carp in my head - no knight in shining armour - no god - no carer - no loving arms around me. i'm just pathetic feeling so sorry for myself. i'm dreading pressing send for this message. i'm ashamed of how i sound so full of anger and confusion and sadness and self pity. sorry everyone. but i'm pressing it-

ws xxxxxx:(:(:(:(:(
 
Libra1

Libra1

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Sick of it all

Hi Ws, I am glad you pressed the send button, that is what MHF is here for.
Firstly I'm sending you a :grouphug:

All the things you have written down describes me too.The way I try to manage is to do just one of the things on my list. I do not want to critisize you, are you wearing yourself out by trying to do too many things each and every day, but then end up not getting anything done?

When was the last time you were checked by a healthcare professional, could you go and see your Gp this week and explain how you feel?

The begining of the year I started to keep a daily journal/diary, and wrote down how angry and frustated I was with life and it did seem to help me:)

Tommorow is a new day and new week, just try and get perhaps one chore completed then sit and have a :tea: Please come back and let us know how you are managing.
Take care:hug:
 
KP1

KP1

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Hi sorry you are feeling so bad. I understand what you are saying about not being able to cry I have this as well and wonder if it is the anti dep'
Take care
 
connect

connect

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Hi wildsahara :welcome:,


what if 'depression' is just a state of deep thinking and feeling...no little white pill is going to sort that.
I think this is very true. It's not as if you're feeling sad "out of the blue". From what you've been describing, you're craving a bit (or a lot of) "human touch" (sorry, can't think of a better word right now) and you're not getting it anywhere :(. Maybe dropping into a church, even if you're not religious, just to sound off might be a good idea :). Alternatively, you could see what counselling options are available in your area? You could try MIND (http://www.mind.org.uk/) - they may have some information :).

Depression isn't necessarily the result of some chemical imbalance - sometimes, it's our unconscious mind telling us that something is unsatisfactory or wrong in our lives. This can be helpful when it is something we can change. But even if it is something we can change, sometimes the changes we would need to make can seem very daunting, or even impossible. Or we might not even know where to start, or exactly what is wrong.


i have along list of everything that needs doing in my life right now and cannot do anything but survive day to day - day after day after day.
When you're feeling down, handling a long list of "things to do" just makes you feel more down - because the list is so overwhelming, nothing gets done... Be kind with yourself - maybe just pick one thing off the list each day - the easiest one you can find - and just do that one thing? If that one thing is still too big, break it down into smaller "tasks" and do one, just one, of them. It's really a vicious circle when you feel overwhelmed, but at least if you do one thing - no matter how small - you can say to yourself at the end of the day that you did something :hug:.


i'm just pathetic feeling so sorry for myself. i'm dreading pressing send for this message. i'm ashamed of how i sound so full of anger and confusion and sadness and self pity. sorry everyone.
If you were really full of self-pity as you say, you wouldn't even consider apologising for it :D! There's lots of great people on this forum who will lend a listening ear and support you all the way :).

Sending you lots of hugs :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
 
Paradoxeverywhere

Paradoxeverywhere

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I think you have something there with the concept of depression. There is so much in this world and what sense would it make for everyone to see everything the same way. Im sorry if anyone is offended by this, but it seems so stupid for all of the good things and even the bad to be seen the exact same way. Life is too diverse. There is too much in the world. And as a species which has a brains complex enough to form chemical patterns individual by nature from eachother everyone being the same seems ridiculous. Even "depression" can show things of beauty most would not see. Things we create in such a state can show people parts of the world unknown to 'normal people'. It is painful, but it does not have to be meaningless. Sorry if that was a rant. I hope some sense can be made of it.
 
L

Louise 28

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wildsahara

Hi,
I can empathise with how you felt about your future in life.

Im sorry I cant be there to give you a hug, make you a drink, have a chat, and tell you the good things about you, and even remenise about some of the better times in your life.

But you arent alone, as Connect said, for support- try Mind, Samaritains, various Charities ralated to your own diagnosis (I had help from citizens advice when I was very ill, to help find the phone numbers and contact names of a charity relevant to my issues).

And I too send you big cyber hugs, and I also need the hugs, so Im only too pleased to offer them!:hug::grouphug::hug:
Hang in there wildsahara.
 
Aahbut

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Hi WS, Welcome to the Forums. Everything you said about how you feel has probably been experienced by one of us here that suffer depression. Anti-depressants seem to have no effect on me. Even when the dose is increased fast (75mg-300mg) I believe that in some instances they will never work for some. I now believe if I don't take them I would probably get better any way.

I think what you need more than anything is someone you can talk to who will not judge you. Churches, though my opinion is lower than dog doo doo. A local support group, dont rely on your GP or psychiatrist to suggest one, they rarely do. :welcome:
 
D

Dollit

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Hi Sahara - I'm sorry you're in such a bad place, I really am. The thing I want most when I'm depressed is a hug or for someone to tell me I love them but I find it hard to reach out when I'm feeling like that. I think that you've been courageous in expressing that need.

Some people, and I'm one of them, don't respond to anti depressants. Because I have a mood disorder I'm automatically offered a mood stabiliser but people with depression can ask about them too. It's just a conversation and not a committment but you may feel that you're doing something positive to deal with your depression.

Sometimes we find the root of depression or at least the episodes and sometimes we don't. I often chase the whys around in my head and never catch up with them.

We're here as often as you need us to be. We don't have magic solutions Sahara but we will support you and we do understand. :hug:
 
nickh

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Wildsahara sorry you are having a bad time. As Aahbut said we have all been there. Its always a bit difficult for us 'old timers' (sorry I should say an old-timer like me :)) to know what to say. First there are plenty of people who do find the right medication, or deal with the source of their depression or even find a therapy that works for them and the illness ceases to be a major trouble for them.

But if you are not one of those people but, like me, are stuck with it, even then there are ways of coping. I don't mean that you can make it go away but you can work out a combination of things which will get you through the bad times. What those things are vary and are very individual to each one of us. The key thing is that you keep yourself safe. I have had a bad couple of days just now and spent much of my time curled up in bed - that's what I need to do when I am at my worst. At least there no harm can come to me :). The vital thing is that you feel no guilt about doing something like this - depression is an illness and whatever treatment gets you through it is completely justifiable.

Nick.
 
Paradoxeverywhere

Paradoxeverywhere

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I recommend chocolate, tea and babysteps :)
 
D

Dollit

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Where would we be without chocolate, tea and babysteps? Seriously though it's good advice. Tiny steps that seem to lead nowhere go a long way.
 
Fedup

Fedup

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Where would we be without chocolate, tea and babysteps? Seriously though it's good advice. Tiny steps that seem to lead nowhere go a long way.

I sooooo 2nd that !! :)
 
Libra1

Libra1

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Hi Ws, how are you today? Do let us know how your day has been?:hug:
 
Clarityofthought

Clarityofthought

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hello all. well my sleep is all over the place, since had dose increased. insomnia at night / sleepy all day. hubby got up with the llittle ones this morning and it helped a bit - slept from 9.30pm tonight but am wide awake again now!! :( complete loss of libido, cold sweats all day, diminished mental function, return of negative, untrusting, fearful thoughts and that shaky feeling inside and feeling like someone just died (heavy heart, sighing, wanting to cry). this morning i took 75 instead of 100 cos since i took 100 the side effects got worse. i know i shouldn't just do that. but doc was gonna give me 75 til i asked for another prescription for valium - got it for back pain but they did help me sleep too - but he said no to that and then changed the 75 to 100mg! anyway going doc in the morning..... the insomnia is the worst thing at the mo. it's driving me mad! i just lie in bed thinking and thinking. thinking about how my husband can be really uncaring sometimes and i still can't trust him and we sleep in separate rooms and what will katie and sophie think of that as they grow up....and how will i ever stop my weight going up....what diet can i follow / what kinda exercise to do / when to start....how will i ever sort the house out mess-wise? how will i ever sort katie and her naughtiness? what will i do if my mum's COPD takes her from us? why has my best friend from school gone completely awol? how will i ever face going back to work? should we get a child-minder or stagger our hrs how can i ever face people again? on and on and on and on and on........

i have the worlds worst sugar addiction - i have this tendency anyway but with SSRI's it goes bam!! binge time!! i cannot get enough sugar and am getting fat again. it's like a drug. i hide food all over the house. in my zipped up coat pockets. sneaked home from the shop when i took katie to nursery today. hiding wrappers. eating a moderate amount in front of hubby but major amounts when alone. i know it's these pills. went up to nearly 15 st last time i had pnd and am now coming up to 14. it's got to stop! i have to do something! i would be puking again if i didn't have kids. but i love them too much to risk my health like that. they need me and i grew them...they only have one mum. :(

it's been 5 1/2 wks since i upped this dose from 50 to 100. i doubt it's gonna work y'know.... if it doesn't in a few days i'm just gonna wean off em. i feel depressed again. i thought i'd found a cure :( :( :( they're not working.

and i feel so stupid. i mean literally stupid. i can't go back to work with this symptom. since i started these things i've had it. i'll be talking and get stuck trying to remember a word and it'll take me ages to find it! or hubby'll be explaining something to me and i'll be nodding then i'll have to ask him to go through it all again. i can't think beyond just daily survival. it's not good enough. i keep trawling the net to try and find answers to what is wrong with me. i've taken to lip-biting until it bleeds. i get scared to answer the door when hubby not here. the other day katie said why aren't you opening it? i said cos i'm not dressed. she looked at me as if to say - so? you never are til around 3pm anyway what's changed now?? that's the other thing i can't be bothered getting dressed every day. hair and make-up? pah

i actually took a bin liner upstairs today to clear out some junk.....got as far as sitting on the bed choosing a new ring-tone for my mobile.:confused:

i still have the list i made 2 wks ago of everything that needs doing. ticked a few things off but added a few more too :cry:

back ache is back :( :cry:


well everyone i am so sorry to keep coming on here full of self pity. but i just feel so awful. i hope one day i find some kinda balance and am able to help others like you all are helping me-(believe it or not!)

but right now that seems impossible. if it wasn't for my mum and two kids i'd give up now.

ws xxxxxx
 
L

Louise 28

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Hi ws

Hi ws,
I hope you got a bit of sleep last night in the end.

Well- as for taking a bin bag upstairs, and changing your ring tone instead- dont worry! Changing your ring tone- may sound pretty mundane- but actually takes alot of complex brain tasks to happen- so at least you know your brain's still functioning pretty well.

Pills- NO quick fixes Im afraid- not that I know of.

Pills can help and I mean really help- but often you will need a few other things to help you along the way.

Sounded to me like your thoughts were spiraling around your head last night?

Maybe you could ask your GP for help tips on how to stop or slow down the spiral of worries that go round in your head and feel like they are getting worse.??
Ive learnt tips for this myself- but someone who knows you more may have more relevant tips. And Im thinking they may have a support group or something.

If your GP/pshyc doesn't seem to have any practical help to offer- maybe your local Mind group?

Sleeping in separate rooms- dont worry about the kids- they havent lived long enough to know any different- and Ive a feeling more couples than we realise will also sleep separately.

Give everything a bit longer ws- you'll get there if you keep tring!

Hugs for you to help a little bit. :hug:
 
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