Sick of feeling like this

[Desperate2Bnormal]

This is the first time I've used anything like this, so please bear with me.
I'm a 30 year old mum of 2 girls. I've been suffering with depression on and off for the past 14 years. Had 3 suicide attempts (not for a long time now though) and have been on anti-depressents again for the past 9 months. Had lots of counselling, the most recent being 12 weeks ending in Feb 2008.

Things have been going quite well following my last load of counselling but the black feeling has been creeping in over the last four weeks and it's just getting worse by the day. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty much on top of things, keeping myself busy but it's getting harder and harder again. Got no motivation, don't want to speak or see my friends, could quite happily lie in bed all day. I find it difficult to explain to my boyfriend what is wrong with me and worry he will leave me because I'm such a freak. I'm finding it hard to entertain my children and feel so bad for them, they appear ok but I know they find it difficult when I'm like this.

Don't really know why I'm here saying all this, I know what I SHOULD do, exercise, eat banana's in the sunshine, talk about it, blah blah blah, but although I know all that, doing it is something completely different when I'm in the midst of it and I just don't know what to do. I am SO sick of this, I desperately just want to be 'normal', be able to get through day to day life like 'normal' people do, what's wrong with me????

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, sorry for wasting anyones time.

 

[little me]

feel free to waste as much of my time as you want hun, I'm not up to much today.
could you go and talk to your doctor and tell them that you are feeling down again?

 

[Desperate2Bnormal]

Just don't feel like there's any point, don't know what else they can do for me, just feel like a total mess, sat here crying reading other peoples threads! Thanks so much for replying so quickly, that's pretty amazing!

 

[blackdog]

Believe me we know how you feel. It's always hard for our partners etc to understand because unless you've been there you can't know how desperate depression is. You are not a freak. You are not wasting our time. Take care.

 

[little me]

Like Blackdog said, we know how you feel, and you are not a freak.
I'm not depressed, never have been, but I have a mental health problem, so I understand the thinking you're a freak part.

I know I'm a freak... that's how I see myself, but I'm proud of it. Who wants to be normal... normal is one of the sheep hunny, be a wolf... a lone wolf... we don't need a herd to follow, we are alright being different, because we are stronger, we are braver, we don't need to fit in... we eat sheep.... oh, and boys who cry wolf too...

 

[KP1]

Going back to the GP is a good idea otherwise they may think all is ok behaps you can get more counselling or psychotherapy.

 

[Desperate2Bnormal]

Just wanted to say a great big thank you Little me, Black dog and KP1 for all your kind words . Amazingly I feel a little better already. Think you're right Little me, never thought about it before but maybe you just have to (attempt) to embrace this part of you and accept that it is going to be part of you forever. I've been waiting for years and years now til the day I finally feel better forever, but I just don't think it's going to happen is it? Just going to try and get through the rest of the day and get used to being a wolf!

 

[KP1]

Glad you feel better. Lets all book a retail therapy trip to New York, no kids, no partners just lots of money to spend.

 

[intelgal]

Me and my Doctor had a long chat about not the possibilty of not being cured so to speak!.... But living with it and management being the way forward.

 

[KP1]

The thought of being depressed for ever is awful. Surely if we continue to feel depressed over a period of time treatment needs to be reviewed?? If it is situational or social depression then situations will change one way or another over time.

 

[Fedup]

This is the first time I've used anything like this, so please bear with me.
I'm a 30 year old mum of 2 girls. I've been suffering with depression on and off for the past 14 years. Had 3 suicide attempts (not for a long time now though) and have been on anti-depressents again for the past 9 months. Had lots of counselling, the most recent being 12 weeks ending in Feb 2008.

Things have been going quite well following my last load of counselling but the black feeling has been creeping in over the last four weeks and it's just getting worse by the day. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty much on top of things, keeping myself busy but it's getting harder and harder again. Got no motivation, don't want to speak or see my friends, could quite happily lie in bed all day. I find it difficult to explain to my boyfriend what is wrong with me and worry he will leave me because I'm such a freak. I'm finding it hard to entertain my children and feel so bad for them, they appear ok but I know they find it difficult when I'm like this.

Don't really know why I'm here saying all this, I know what I SHOULD do, exercise, eat banana's in the sunshine, talk about it, blah blah blah, but although I know all that, doing it is something completely different when I'm in the midst of it and I just don't know what to do. I am SO sick of this, I desperately just want to be 'normal', be able to get through day to day life like 'normal' people do, what's wrong with me????

Thanks for listening to my ramblings, sorry for wasting anyones time.

Hello and
Hope thing's ease for you soon

 

[Desperate2Bnormal]

The problem is though, at times, the way I feel can be traced to situational/social circumstances, but more and more of late, there appears to be no reason at all for my mood slipping into the deepest darkest places....truly don't feel like there will ever be an answer.....

NY sounds cool though!

 

[Dollit]

Hi D2BN and welcome to the forum. I've had to accept that depression is part of my life. In my case I'm bipolar and my mood swings are sudden and the change is quite violent, has physical effects on me as well as the obvious mental and emotional ones. But I have to accept that they're part of my life or I'll never do anything. I live my life to spite my illness - I stay alive just to give it a v sign. Hang on in there and hang around here and we just might be able to help.

 

[Desperate2Bnormal]

Thanks Dollit, I really have been made to feel welcome today. Its really strange, after years of councelling/GP's/mental health teams etc telling you you are not alone and not a freak, actually speaking to people who feel the same way you do feels like an incredible discovery and now actually feel like I'm not alone. Funny thing, was just watching something on TV when this girl had to have hairy armpits for 1 day and she said it was truly the worst day of her life ever...imagine that!!!

 

[Dollit]

Some people have no sense of perspective! What's your support network like? I've found that the better my network is the more I'm able to cope and only lean on them when I really need to. One of them I email regularly whether he's there to take his mails or not and it's a great relief.