Sick of being labelled manipulative....

Luci

Luci

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#1
What is it that causes people to think we are manipulative? Has anyone else experienced this? I've only been accused of this by people who arent close to me but still.... I want to understand what traits cause people with BPD to appear manipulative? I'm always honest and up front, I tell people exactly what I think and feel and I do the best I can for the people I care about..... I dont understand. Being labelled like this is making me doubt myself as a person and I never let anyone make me feel like this....
 
G

Girl interupted

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#2
I think what others see as manipulative is the product of years of abuse as a child. We learn to navigate other people’s moods, are more in tune with them, because it’s a survival skill.
 
Shadow-one

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#3
Hi Gi

I couldn't agree with you more.....

Your post immediately caught my eye because it's EXACTLY how I feel too and I feel we are treated very unfairly by anyone who doesn't understand that this is the case..

For example, my psychiatrist thinks I'm manipulative over things that I do simply to 'get by' to SURVIVE.... Yet because she doesn't spend anything as much time with me as my nurse or psychotherapist (Obviously) she has no idea WHY things happen the way they do sometimes....

I feel the same about my Doctor - who I am with for 16yrs, but since my MH breakdown and subsequent years of meds, therapy etc etc, she has treated me differently... Seems to blame me for overdosing as if I'm doing it to just annoy her... I feel like I've lost her now as I'm almost afraid to see her in case this type of situation comes up again....

I'm sick of being judged for my MH issues. Nobody seems to understand BPD and if they do - they have NO idea of the trauma that goes with it....

Well done for your post - It has given me a great platform to voice how I feel too!
 
E

EstherRose94

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#4
I agree, if someone tells me I’m being difficult I’m not sure if I really am or if they just know they can make me believe I am.

But what is typically the case is that I’m being a little difficult and that’s all they meant, not that I’m evil or manipulative. It’s easy to think “oh that seemed super negative” when it’s actually just neutral.
 
Lunus

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#5
Hi Gi

I couldn't agree with you more.....

Your post immediately caught my eye because it's EXACTLY how I feel too and I feel we are treated very unfairly by anyone who doesn't understand that this is the case..

For example, my psychiatrist thinks I'm manipulative over things that I do simply to 'get by' to SURVIVE.... Yet because she doesn't spend anything as much time with me as my nurse or psychotherapist (Obviously) she has no idea WHY things happen the way they do sometimes....

I feel the same about my Doctor - who I am with for 16yrs, but since my MH breakdown and subsequent years of meds, therapy etc etc, she has treated me differently... Seems to blame me for overdosing as if I'm doing it to just annoy her... I feel like I've lost her now as I'm almost afraid to see her in case this type of situation comes up again....

I'm sick of being judged for my MH issues. Nobody seems to understand BPD and if they do - they have NO idea of the trauma that goes with it....

Well done for your post - It has given me a great platform to voice how I feel too!
We all understand though. :hug:
 
Lunus

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#6
What is it that causes people to think we are manipulative? Has anyone else experienced this? I've only been accused of this by people who arent close to me but still.... I want to understand what traits cause people with BPD to appear manipulative? I'm always honest and up front, I tell people exactly what I think and feel and I do the best I can for the people I care about..... I dont understand. Being labelled like this is making me doubt myself as a person and I never let anyone make me feel like this....
Thing is with me is that I’m rarely honest, or certainly haven’t been in the past before I was diagnosed. I do have a tendency to manipulate people to either get what I want or to try to regulate my emotions. It’s not a nice trait at all, but most BPD traits aren’t. All I can do is try to be mindful, truthful and honest although it is by no means easy.
 
Flameheart (was BPDevil)

Flameheart (was BPDevil)

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#7
it sucks when it's someone close as well saying you are, no amount of explaining will convince people I'm not actually abusive or manipulative because frankly no one wants to hear it
I pretty much can't express how I truly feel to majority of people out of fear they'll make vast assumptions like this
 
Luci

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#8
Thank you peeps who replied. I'm glad I have people who understand and can talk to without being judged or misunderstood.... helps you work through things. It's hard to understand other people sometimes, you guys help me....
I'm very animated and upfront so maybe that adds to it?
 
Lunus

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#9
Thank you peeps who replied. I'm glad I have people who understand and can talk to without being judged or misunderstood.... helps you work through things. It's hard to understand other people sometimes, you guys help me....
I'm very animated and upfront so maybe that adds to it?
I think we are all animated and up front. I’ve always referred to it as living with my heart on my sleeve. I have learnt a lot from my therapy session today though and for me the most important things was about my self loathing. My therapist said it’s not YOU it’s your BEHAVIOUR that makes you dislike yourself, and you can change behaviour.
 
Luci

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#10
Thank you for that. It's so true. I have changed soooooo much now I am in my 30's, but now I am being judged by social services as my condition, not me as a person or a parent. And I know myself and I know I am not that person. But it makes you think and doint yourself. Horrible man
 
Shadow-one

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#11
Great to read everyone's opinions!

I'm actually not at all animated and upfront. Just the opposite in fact. I was probably better when I was a teenager because I didn't understand who I was anyway.... I got by usually just mimicing everyone around me in order to not look as pitiful and lost as I felt. It was a lot easier when I could do that.

Now today I have no ability to connect with other people, let alone actually form any type of meaningful friendships.... And truth is I don't want to. The more people in my life, the worse my BPD gets....

For me it's all about managing...... getting by. So I'm very quiet, love being by myself but I am married and have 3 children and they are my life.... And I'm lucky to have been able to do this much because I definitely couldn't imagine been able to do it now...

Just a little piece from a very unanimated and disconnected person whose doing their best just like everyone else here :dance:
 
Luci

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#12
My children have been removed because of my 'mental health issues'. My fiancee dumped me too. I now have no life. Everything has been stripped from me. And this is when they decide to judge me as a person and a parent..... at the most traumatic time of my life
 
Lunus

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#13
My children have been removed because of my 'mental health issues'. My fiancee dumped me too. I now have no life. Everything has been stripped from me. And this is when they decide to judge me as a person and a parent..... at the most traumatic time of my life
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. There is so little compassion in the world we live in. I know what you are going through because my sister went through the same. All I can say to comfort you is all her children remained close and in contact and many years later she has countless grandchildren and great grandchildren. Things will change. Never give up hope. No matter who puts you down you can remain strong and recover. Take one day at a time.
 
G

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#14
My children have been removed because of my 'mental health issues'. My fiancee dumped me too. I now have no life. Everything has been stripped from me. And this is when they decide to judge me as a person and a parent..... at the most traumatic time of my life
You can get through this hon. Focus on your children and nothing else. Because nothing else matters.

I am sending you some virtual strength. You can do this.
 
Shadow-one

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#15
Hey Luci

Gosh that's really sad to hear.... I can't imagine the pain of your children being taken from you. It's simply too much to bear...

Are they gone a while now? And do you have contact with them?

I really am sorry Luci.... You have been through such an horrendous time. I'm sure you will have a meaningful relationship with them as they grow up (actually I have no idea if they are adults or children, but I mean - when they are at the stage where they understand what happened and why)

Take care of yourself :hug:
 
Luci

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#16
I have 2 boys :) they are 12 and 8 months. They have been out of my care for 15 weeks now. We are in court on the 24th June. My eldest son is beside himself. Just wants to come home cant understand why he can't, 'children get taken off nasty mams'. Whatever the decision on the 24th I will continue to fight for my boys. I'm trying really hard but it's getting closer to D Day now. Regulating myself is more difficult
 
Mayflower7

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#17
Hi Luci,
Good luck for the 24/06 hope you get your boys back.
Great you'll never stop fighting for them.
Take care
 
Lunus

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#18
I have 2 boys :) they are 12 and 8 months. They have been out of my care for 15 weeks now. We are in court on the 24th June. My eldest son is beside himself. Just wants to come home cant understand why he can't, 'children get taken off nasty mams'. Whatever the decision on the 24th I will continue to fight for my boys. I'm trying really hard but it's getting closer to D Day now. Regulating myself is more difficult
You are not a nasty mum!! You are ill that’s all. Maybe Google any information on mindfulness or anything that you feel will get you into a better mental state to give yourself the best possible chance in court. You must remain optimistic and try not to regress into suffering. Focus all your efforts on getting a little better if you can. Good luck!
 
Luci

Luci

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#19
I have raised my son for 12 years with this condition, he is amazing! He is confident, intelligent, resilient, outspoken, polite and strong. He knows right and wrong. He alone is living testament to my dedication to my role as a mother. He has Autism. He was diagnosed at age 7.
I was raised in an environment where I was not taught to express myself appropriately. My opinion didnt matter, my emotions didn't matter, children weren't believed, my mother never told me she loved me or hugged me, told me she was proud.... I have raised my son the exact opposite way.
I have always wngages with mental health services throughout my life, there has never been a concern raised about my ability to function or risk. I have worked a number of professional jobs. Youth worker, teaching assistant, nursery practitioner, residential support worker.... I have never had a colleague or employer raise concern about my fitness to practise.
This is without a doubt the most traumatic, soul destroying, disempowering, identity crushing and flat out unjust situation I have ever experienced in my life and hopefully ever will. I have made it to 15 weeks. I will make it another 2. I have to have faith that despite the ridiculous assumptions of social services, I have done everything in my power to gain the support I needed before my children were removed. I was let down. I was not classed as 'high risk' because I was coping. I was alone with a 12 year old with autism who has just started senior school, who's mother had just given birth and a newborn baby with lactose intolerance. Recovering from pre eclampsia and a blood transfusion. Throw into the mix the emotional torture I endured from the babys father and care of his daughter. My beautiful step daughter, who I have raised from 10 months old as my own. She is now 5. In the past 15 weeks I have not been 'allowed' to see her. Her father doesn't want her to. Does she know I love her? Miss her? Or has she been lead to believe I have abandoned her? I dont care?
The pain I feel is indescribable. Throw a brand shiney new diagnosis of 'traits of Borderline Personality Disorder' into the mix. The betrayal and confusion that the man I agreed to marry, who I devoted myself to, has abandoned and turned on me.....
And I cant even tell people. I cant get support. It is in court. It could jeopardise proceedings. So instead I have to hide. I cant be honest with people I know I could trust, get the support and care I need. I have to ignore messages asking to meet up with the boys, a day out at the park.... I have to avoid the children in my life, who I love, miss and adore. My nieces and nephews, my friends children. I have to answer awkward questions and hear children I care about are upset and confused because the want to see me, my children, their cousins, their friends.... I have to hear the pain of my family who have been alienated from my children in proceedings. Who have not seen them for 15 weeks. Who also love and miss them. My terminally ill grandparents.... and all the while feeling the unintended sense of blame, the confusion that this could even happen. That I could be hiding something for things to have gotten this bad..... because it is unreal! Unjust! Disproportionate! I would doubt me in their position! They cant see the ridiculous 'evidence' against me. I cant tell them the babies dad has lied. I have to protect him too. He has no one. My family were his.
For all his wrongs thought this process he has been isolated. He has 2 friends and no consistent family support. He had suffered with his mental health for 2 years. He has refused to seek help. He now has care of 2 children alone.... with mental health issues..... for the sake of my children I need to ensure he feels he has the support of my family as usual (even though he has alienated them from my children) if I told them the truth that would be taken away from him.
But forget all that and give focus to what actually tortures me day and night. That means my heart races with anxiety constantly, causing me to vomit. My children. My baby, never been separated from his mammy, who will now have no recollection of being at home. Does he cry for me? Picture me when he is sad or bored? His little face and legs kicking, the squeaks and squeals of excitement when he sees me, the cuddles, smiles and interactions he has been robbed of. One and a half hours, 4 times a week. My 12 year old. Never separated from his mother for 12 years, diagnosed with Autism age 7. Dragged from his home, everything he knows, his comfort, his routine, his safe space, the one person he feels 100% confident and trusting of. Told he cant come home because I am unwell. He knows I'm not unwell. He knows I am no risk to him. He is confused, upset, angry, sad.... he has lost his passion for life, for his education which he enjoys and appreciates, his hobbies, his social life. He is wrapped in doubt. He is hurting and the one thing he needs, to cuddle with mam and cry it out, he cant have. He can see me 3 times a week for one and a half hours with a stranger present. He can speak to me in the phone on speaker with his carer present. He cannot text me without his carer present. He was doing so well. Gaining his independence and confidence (in spite of my dismay and anxiety!) He is a shell. My beautiful princess! She is just like me, bubbly, loud, outspoken, confident and empathetic. She has lost her hobbies and social life the day she lost me. I did everything with that girl. She danced, loved it! Her dance school was her second family, she was adoted there too! Cute, kind, hard working and ditzy. You can't not love her! Her father decided it would be best for her not to see people she would relate to me (this was his excuse not to continue to take her even though I paid her fees and would continue to). I had just bought her 2 new costumes for competing. She didnt even get the chance to try her second one on. Then her separation from my oldest son. The boy she considered her big brother, looked up to, loved and admired. She understood his condition and could support him (she could also wind him up no end just like a real little sister). They have asked to see eachother. I dont know why this has not been arranged. I can only speculate that her father knows that I have raised those children to tell the truth and discuss how the feel, that they are important and they must always speak to a trusted adult if they have a worry.... he has something to hide. No decent father would isolate their child like that without reason.
The children are the victims in this. The children are the ones that need to be heard and understood. Now they dont have me they are lost. If you have thoughts, prayers, whatever your beliefs, focus them on my children, please ♡
 
megirl

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#20
Yeh when I've been on the ward and upset this nurse said I was being manipulitive and when my relationship broke up despite all the emotional abuse, and me being revived after being clinically dead, told me I need to take responsibility for what? She hadnt a clue of all the abusive and controlling behaviours I was dealing with
 

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