Shy....

[Duchess]

I just wanted to say hello to you all. I have no real experience on forums but hope I make some sense to people on here. I am so sad and in denial of my illness that its killing me slowly... I went on a two day bender (drink and coke) and spent ages on the phone to the samaritans last night. I am at my wits end and am too proud to ask for help again because I am having another "episode" and my family are at the end of their tether with me and I cant tell them as they think I use my MH issues as an excuse to act like an idiot. I keep going from suicidal to rational in a matter of minutes and I am confused.

Thanks for listening anyway. I am sure I will post some more soon. Its good to be on here.

Duchess

 

[emski]

to the forum Duchess. You will find support here

 

[Duchess]

Thanks for your welcome. At least I know someone is there. I didnt mention in my first post that I have borderline personality disorder and was diagnosed four years ago. I am 36 and have suffered on and off with depression since I was 16. I do remember feeling troubled long before this age though. I just feel like this is never going to go away and I just want some peace in my head and am never going to get it. Of course I know it will pass eventually but I am not sure if I can live like this until I die naturally. My self esteem is so low right now and has been for ages now so I thought a good bender would help me feel better, even if it was short lived. Silly silly me.

I dont even feel worthy of being on this forum right now.

Duchess.

 

[intelgal]

Hey there welcome to the forum I have had depression for the last ten years but only with this recent episode have I 'outed' myself to the family! Its eally hard because now they just see the depression not the fact I am still me sometimes even when it does make me act strangely sometimes. Keep posting here though its a good place to be!

 

[Libra1]

Hi Duchess and to MHF You will find lots of help and support here, and folk are really friendly

 

[daffy]

hi duchess and its a lovely friendly forum.

Are you seeing a psych at the oment to help you or do you get treated thru your gp

 

[ms_P]

Hi Duchess and welcome to the forum.
You'll find lot's of help & support here.

 

[intelgal]

HEy Daffy! Sorry to use this thread but hope your ok good to see you around!!

 

[Dollit]

Hi Duchess. When I'm in crisis (which can actually go on for a long time) such as this part of this year there is rarely a day that goes by without me seriously considering suicide. In July I came within 2 hours of doing so. It was a phone call to a colleague that is also a friend that stopped me - that and the two police officers he sent round to my house to sit and talk to me.

I was talking to that same colleague last week. He rang me to pick my brains about something and he told me more than once he thinks I've achieved a lot this year. He wasn't saying it to make me feel better or because he was trying to make me feel less worse but because he genuinely believes that what I do is worth praising.

One of my closest people sent me an email last week to say his life was better just because I was in it.

If I'd died as I wanted to I would never have known how much they love me. My life isn't perfect but my illness is not worth dying for as long as I have even the tiniest bit of hope in my heart.

Keep coming back and please help yourself to my hope.

 

[honeyquince]

Hi Duchess and welcome to the forum.

Rational to suicidal in minutes sounds familiar to me as does the utter confusion that surrounds it all.

Having just spent an hour in tears with my psychologist we have identified the forum as a good source of support for me - so here I am blathering away! I hope you find that the forum also works for you, there's a really good bunch of people here who offer loads of support and information.

Take care,
Honey, xx

 

[Duchess]

Lazy.....

Hello,

I have just woke up (13:10)pm and its Monday and I should have gone to the GP today to explain that my depression has come back but I dont want to leave the house. I should be at work today but have an understanding colleague who told me to go to the GP first thing and try and sort a few things out. What have I done? Nothing.... Lying in bed just hoping that it will all go away and tomorrow I will wake up, trot off to work and it will all be okay. That is what I usually do. I am not on meds, have no nurse or other help with it, my family except my sister know nothing of this current episode and I dont know where to begin trying to sort it out. Time off work is out of the question right now and I just dont know what to do first. I know I cant keep lying to everyone about it all but I just know that they will think "here we go again"... but its not them its happening to is it? I dont even think I could be arsed to top myself either.... Sorry to bring you down but its where I am right now.

Duchess

 

[quality factor]

Hi Duchess, I too have BPD and it feels like I'm going crazy with the thoughts that I get...I know how you feel and can empasize with you.
Try and go and see your GP or refer yourself to your local CMHT, I know it takes much effort but it may just help. There's the temptation just to drift along and hope that the next day may be better, very often it isn't. There are times when your thoughts don't allow you make a firm decision, but as hard as it is, that's what needs to happen if you are to regain any happiness or satisfaction from life.
Yesterday was a day of 'shall I or shan't I' for me and ...I'm still here, very often with this problem one tends to look upon suicide as an escape from yourself. I've been told I use the thought of suicide as a prop. So hey, i've had this prop for years...use this forum, it will help, it's helped me.

 

[Duchess]

Glad I am not alone....

Hi Duchess, I too have BPD and it feels like I'm going crazy with the thoughts that I get...I know how you feel and can empasize with you.
Try and go and see your GP or refer yourself to your local CMHT, I know it takes much effort but it may just help. There's the temptation just to drift along and hope that the next day may be better, very often it isn't. There are times when your thoughts don't allow you make a firm decision, but as hard as it is, that's what needs to happen if you are to regain any happiness or satisfaction from life.
Yesterday was a day of 'shall I or shan't I' for me and ...I'm still here, very often with this problem one tends to look upon suicide as an escape from yourself. I've been told I use the thought of suicide as a prop. So hey, i've had this prop for years...use this forum, it will help, it's helped me.
[/QUOTE
Hello QF,

I cant believe I have stumbled upon this forum, I feel better than I did two days ago already. I have not contacted my GP like I said I would but will go there en route to work tomorrow. I need to do something, and fast before I get completely out of control and put myself back into hospital. Having BPD is horrible and I also have traits of some of the other personality disorders too but mainly BPD. I cant make a proper decision and even the thought of having to leave the house later is making me stressed already. I have no choice though. I havent had a bath for a couple of days and the house is a mess (I live alone so no one can see it anyway) but normally my house is spotless and I dress immaculately except when I have an episode like this... how can you possible make someone understand that I can be two different people in as many days..... Happy and life and soul of the party then a complete mess and suicidal...... I hate it. Its good to know someone understands though. Thank you. Duchess.

 

[quality factor]

Hi again Duchess!
Hope you managed to stop and see GP.
I live alone too and at the moment my motivation is so stop and start.
I used the word 'crazy' to you yesterday... and that is just how it is. My mind does just not stop. Some thoughts are rational and others, well...
I held a teaching job down for twenty years and was looked upon as the life and soul of the party too. I believe my status as a good teacher was well known in the village. However the other side of me when i was not 'performing' was hell, and although I no longer am able to teach there are definately a few 'sides' to me.
I hear what you are saying about you having the different aspects of personality disorders, I too suffer in the same way. To me this leads to like a 'chaos' in my thinking and the way in which I try to lead my life.
I would be happy to hear how you get on at the GP's and also would be happy to chat if it helps.

 

[daffy]

Hi duchess , hope u got to see your GP and that ur feeling a bit better today. Im in the day hospital at the moment so can appreciate you how you feel. But please dont let it go on for too long without the correct help