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should I post this???

L

Littlebit Sally

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Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I also sometimes think I have been sexually abused by a family member but I know I have not. But I will either feel it or think it not both at the same time. feelings don't match thoughts and thoughts don't match feelings... Does anyone else experience this. Is this a personality disorder or is it a symptom of schizophrenia? This has been coming into my head off and on for the past several years and lately. It is a disturbing thought and I fiercely defend that person and deny it in my head and I know they would never do that to me. They are innocent. It makes me cry when I have this thought and panic as well. I want an explanation for it if there is one. I know they have done nothing wrong by me, why do I think this or feel this every now and then?
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

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Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hi!

Hi sally...its difficult to comment really..because you havent mentioned things like when it happens...triggers etc and other factors of your problem.

What would say is...that there is more than likely a pattern running..that can be mapped out and looked at...are you aware of any repeating factors in your problem?

Martyn:hug:
 
L

Littlebit Sally

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Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I often think of this as a horrible thought I have and the more I wish it away the more it bombards me. I also have the feelings of accusations by people whether real (could be) or imagined and in the throse of my psychosis I was very suggestible and impressionable. My self image is dependant on what I know some people might think of me and/or my percieved notion that they might feel this way. I still am very impressionable and dependant on others for my self esteem. I often time think of things I know in my heart are not true of me or even others like the family member I spoke of. It's like my mind is deliberately torturing me as though I am a masochist of some kind or a sucker for punishment.
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
I know

yes i understand this kind of thing!

I used to repeat things in my head..out of no where it seemed....the word " murder" used to come into my head or "rape"...when NOTHING in my upbringing has ever lead me to think in such ways...VERY scary!

What i have learnt to do is realise that this is just a thought or a word that creates a feeling....its the feeling that we are concerned with here...as in your case.....its not whats being thought of thats the problem...but the attainment of the emotion attached to it..

for example if you get "fear" from a thought.....then its the emotion of fear that is the target outcome........as mad as it sounds..negative emotions actually give us something!.....the brain appears to do all it can to attain these fears or emotions to keep itself in a space....Eg- fear=certainty...because if we have spent alot of ourlives getting results from being fearful...then the brain looks for ways to keep us in that state.....( in my case..whats more scary than murder and rape?)...so my mind repeats the phrase to instigate the feelings!!.....the phrase whithout the feelings=nothing!

Your brain is logical even in its turmoil..believe me..when you identify why you have a desire to repeat these things...it becomes ever so slightly easier to stop them...my lastest is " Cancer"....i blame the media...as all i see i the media is " cancer this cancer that"...=FEAR FEAR FEAR!.....which in turns adds to a strategy i have formed to keep me in fear..

Interesting alough very uncomfotable!
 
L

Littlebit Sally

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Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I think that and this is another one of my crazy theories. Is that my brain is drawn to think about horrible morbid thoughts because maybe on some level I am trying to prepare myself for the worst it's like sleeping with one eye open all the time as you try to rest or sleep but actually when bad things happen usually they come suddenly and sneak up on you and you can't prepare for these accidents or traumatic events...

I want to be in-control of my days here on earth and am quite a perfectionist so when something comes in my way unexpectedly, It ruins my master plan of total serenity and comfort therefore my life is not as perfect as I would insist upon. Ever since my diagnoses with schizophrenia, I have been very self indulgent and seem to want every aspect of life to be comfortable and run the way I have in mind. It's like I went through hell during the time of my psychosis so now I am overly wanting to control the outcome of my life and desiring everything to be stress free and easy. Another point in relation to this is that during my psychosis, I knew nothing but trauma and uncertainty. My life was a wreck and I couldn't comprehend how to fix it. So I guess now I am wanting to make up for the two years that I spent being crazy and miserable. ONe more point and I will wrap up. People tend to repeat what they know in their lives like women who are battered and leave the first man then they jump from the frying pan into a fire when they hook up with another abuser. It is all they know and sometimes people are afraid of things they have not let themselves experience. Dogs will continue to love their master even if their master is cruel to them but it becomes a part of them and they really don't realize what they are missing in their life...

Thank you for responding that was very helpful!
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
HI!

My youtube series about "6 human needs" explains this perfectly....the "dog" metaphor you used!

I wuld say that one main factor of depressive tendencies ( pershaps just one element of you problems)..is that expectation...in your case the life of serenity and happiness, to make up of 2 years of misery....this is an expectation based on what you will experience externally....when the external world is mutatable and changeable.....

When ourt expectations are failed..or are not met we become sad...and for those of us who cannot express our sadnees in a usefull or meaningful way..eventually express complex behaviours and thought patterns that do our initial expectations no justice.....in short...we expect what is margionally un-realisitc...and get VERY down about it!!

The trick is stamping on those expectations....HANG ON!.......WHY should anyone stamp on their expectations and dreams....?????....thats it!

You have only ever been down not because the dreams got messed up...its because your sights are WAY too high ( im the same)....if you imagine bringing that target down to a medium instead of "interplanetary"..then maybe it would seem different?....( i dont take my own advice lol)

Or..maybe you were never meant to have low sights..maybe your part of the growing mass on the earth who desire ultimate peace and contentment....a shocking amount of people with mental issues are very concerned with the planet and the state of humanity........i went to see many spritual mediums and found that my place on this planet is far from.."down to earth"..

just a thought!!!

MArtyn!:clap:
 
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