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should I hate them or forget everything?

B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
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37
Hi everyone,
I don't know what I want to do. I feel I am abandoned in my feeling. I can not forget my past event. Sometimes Iwant to give up everyone in my family. I hate my home. Doctors give me many antidepresent and many bipolar med but enything can not help me. Past events always live with me.

When I was a little girl, my father likes me. He doesn't live with us because my parents were separeted and he married another womam. but he come monthy. When he come he touch my legs. He try to use me to satisfy his desires. My mother also at home. But she was in kitchen. I felt she don't want to save me. When I think about my parents behaviour I hate them. But sometimes i feel my mother has fear about she don't receive money from father if she didnt give chance to father. Now I'm 22 years old bipolar patient. My mother and father have changed with time. When I stop medication all past events come and hurt me. I don't know what should I do. I really wanna die. But i don't know any painless way to die. I want to leave the home. But i still in this evil home with them.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Jun 20, 2015
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I am really sorry this happened to you Bhagya, and you must feel awful now that you are ill and stuck living at home with people who hurt you and let you down,your mum especially if she knew your father was abusing you should have taken steps to protect you.Can you ask to be housed by the council if you tell your psychiatrist what your dad did he may help you move out from there?I don't thin anything will help you while you still have to put up with living with your father.It is so sad!Love and hugs and try be strong.Nikitax
 
S

standon

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Jun 21, 2015
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Its a difficult one Bhagya, I went through abuse too from my mothers partner and step grandfather, I can only suggest speaking with some counsellor or mayb groups, Im 46 and just going through a difficult time again because of my memories, I went from hate in my 20s to thinking I had delt with it to anger in my 40s, at them but also at myself for not copin.

Im back in counselling now and been open about things its all we can do as survivors of abuse. Try not to deal with it alone, that was my mistake.have a word with your Gp take care
 
B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
Messages
37
Nikita, But sometimes I feel she becomes helpless. But on the other hand i feel she must protect me. I live with this struggling. My father also changed. But i can not forget anything happened to me. Sometimes i can not stop crying where i am it can be on the bus, public anywhere. I want to give up home. But I can not. Because i love them. How can i explain it. When i love them i also hate them.
 
B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
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Standon,
Today is so bad to me. I continuously rememer those things and those memories try to kill me. if i can erase those memories from my head. But I don't know how i do that. I wish you to receive strength to forget your bad memories.
 
Last edited:
Cinders

Cinders

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Jul 4, 2015
Messages
185
If you are still living with your father I think you should leave. It is hard to turn against our mum or dad even if they abuse us because we are programmed to trust them, even when we should not. Suicidal thoughts are probably hounding you because you keep remembering it all. You have to remember unfortunately. It is the only way to overcome it. You can distract yourself from the memory, seek treatment for it from a psychologist, or take medication which will help with depression or the bodily sensations associated with remembering. I was abused once when I was a teenager and have had times on medication to sedate my distress away. Sometimes we need that. Keep writing. Do you keep a diary/journal. It helps. First you must work towards getting your own home I think.
 
B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
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My father lives with his wife. Not with my mother. But sometimes he come and go. But this home remains all the bad things what i happened. I talk with my father because i feel now he changed. Because i can not still give up them. But i want to do that. I want to blame my parents. Problem is that still i haven't strength to do that. I wanna ask I'm not your daughter. How could you think those bad things about me. I ask all those questions but not from them only my mind. It hurts me. I'm not fluent in english so i can not explain what i feel exactly. Anyway Cinders you are right. I want to leave this place.
 
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standon

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Hope you are able to do that one day it may help you to heal.
 
Cinders

Cinders

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From my experience, it's hard to leave the security of 'home' but actually, it is your mother's home and not yours, I now think. Having your own home, cutting the apron strings aka starting an independent life, is freeing.
 
B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
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Sleepless night is over. Today I am going to see GP. You all right. I should leave this evil place. I want to fight thos feelings. I intend to go meditation program. My mind changes in unpredictable way. First I should control my mood swings and then i do the other plans.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Very hard question? Just ask yourself this though, "what good does it do to NOT grant forgiveness" It is a waste of positive energy imo
 
Cinders

Cinders

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Don't be hasty but you should start making plans for your future as an independent person. It is hard to achieve with ill health but I find I am better being physically separate from certain others. I still see one but not the other. It is possible to forgive and yet have no contact for emotional self - protection.
 
S

standon

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Location
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Hope all went ok with seeing the gp, my thoughts are with you, its all tuff steps we have to make, we are all brave for discussing problems,
 
B

Bhagya

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Apr 15, 2015
Messages
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I met gp yesterday. He give me antidepresrnt called as fluanxol 0.5g. I think it gets one or two weeks to work for me. Now I'm trying to focus on studies becouse i have semester end exam. It is not easy. I don't wanna hate my parents but pain still come and go. It is better to live separate from them. Problem is still i am unemployement. I live in asian devoloping country. it is so difficult to find job in this country. But i'm sure i can start my first job in next month. After receiving job i will give up this house and hope to start independent life. There can be culture barriers against me. But I'm sure i'm strong enough to face all those barriers. I'm so happy that i received good friends in this forum. You all are help me to be strong. Thanks dear friends. Past is past. Present belongs to us. Wish u all to happyfull life. :)
 
S

standon

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Jun 21, 2015
Messages
744
Location
sheffield
You sound very positive, you should be proud of yourself. Use the forum to chat or read anytime, im trying to do the same, everyones comments and understanding goes a long way to helping us get through. You have made the steps to see your gp, and the meds should help. Im 4 weeks on mine. Talking is a good therapy too. Dont bottle it up inside thats my mistake. Good luck with your exams. Im sure you will succeed, you sound like you have the determination. At the end of the day all we want is to feel happy and cope with our thoughts and memories, I hope we are able to do that. Take care
 
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