Should I go to the Chapel of Rest

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NickiMinaj2

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#1
I know that no one can really answer this question for me as it's an individual thing but I just wanted some advice and different viewpoints as I'm totally confused over what I should do and it's just going back and forth in my mind.

I last saw my grandad around 8 months ago and last week he committed suicide, which was unexpected. I've gone into complete shock and I haven't seen him since 8 months ago and I'm really confused as to whether I should go to the chapel of rest to see him.

I really don't know what to do but whatever I decide I don't want to look back and regret my decision. I feel that if I don't go I'll be kind of abandoning him there and I won't get to say goodbye plus I haven't seen him for 8 months.

but then another part of me feels that if I do go that it might be nice to see him at peace but also it might do the opposite and completely knock me into uncontrollable tears and shock or the image of him lying there in a coffin might haunt me forever.

My mind is just going round and round in circles. I would really appreciate some advice, please.
 
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number60

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#2
Its difficult. I went to see my dad in his coffin and there was something wrong about the experience. The chapel was very cold and they had done him up in a way that was not him. But it did give me a chance to put something into his coffin that seemed fitting. Sorry. I cannot really help. Sympathy to you at this time.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#3
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
My grandad committed suicide, I didn't see him. I didn't want to remember him as a dead body.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, you may need bereavement counselling.
It's totally a personal thing, go with how you feel.
When my Nan died I asked the funeral directors to put my flowers and a poem inside the coffin, they did for me.
I'm here for you if you need to talk.
Take care
 
E

exyz

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#4
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandad.

Do what you feel is right for you. Please don't let anyone pressurise you into anything.
I'm a lot older and have seen a lot of people who have passed.

I saw my grandad laid out in a coffin at home when I was young and had nightmares for years.
I was very shocked because I had never seen a dead body before. Briefly, I was made to see him.
He didn't look like my grandad and that upset me and I was scared.

I saw my grandmother laid out when she had passed and I was ok with that, but it was my choice.
I was very close to both of them, and saw them every week. I was in my twenties when my grandmother passed and I and my husband cared for her as she suffered from dementia.

It is ok to remember your grandad as he was when he was well. You won't be letting him down by not going. He is not there really. It is just the shell that he was in when here.

He would not expect you to do anything that you were not comfortable with I am sure.

You could write a letter or ask for something to be placed with him as number60 and Mayflower suggest. I put a little token in with my grandmother (Nan).
I know that whatever you decide will be difficult. You could pay respects at his funeral when things are arranged, perhaps a reading?

I am so very sorry that you have lost your grandad. Clearly, you cared a lot for him.
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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#5
I saw my grandmother laid out in a coffin and it was quite a relaxing and dignified way to take an absence from her. I was glad I had the opportunity to see her one last time.
 
E

exyz

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#6
Well OP I thought we were all quite supportive there, revealing sad things about ourselves and so on...
A quick click of "thanks" to one of us might have been appropriate in the circs.:scratch:
 
N

NickiMinaj2

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#7
Well OP I thought we were all quite supportive there, revealing sad things about ourselves and so on...
A quick click of "thanks" to one of us might have been appropriate in the circs.:scratch:
Sorry! I only just came back on the forum to check peoples comments :cry: I didn't expect anyone to answer me cause I've asked this question on another forum a couple of days before and no one answered so I furgured no one would on here but gave it a shot anyway. I do really appreciate it, I don't want anyone to think I took their comments for granted :low: I'm going to like everyones comments now.
 
N

NickiMinaj2

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#8
@Number60
Thank you for responding :)
My mum said the same thing, she went to see my great grandad whilst I was still in school and she said it didn't look like him, she hasn't been to any since, but I had a stronger connection with my grandad than anyone else except my mum so I just didn't know what to do ):
thank you for your support :)
 
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N

NickiMinaj2

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#9
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
My grandad committed suicide, I didn't see him. I didn't want to remember him as a dead body.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss, you may need bereavement counselling.
It's totally a personal thing, go with how you feel.
When my Nan died I asked the funeral directors to put my flowers and a poem inside the coffin, they did for me.
I'm here for you if you need to talk.
Take care
Thank you, I'm still getting used to how everything works on here, it's all a little confusing with the responding and stuff. I'm sorry for your loss, Yes, that was one of the things I was concerned about, I didn't want the last image of him to be that. I'd rather remember him standing at my front door smiling at me because thats the last time I saw him.
that's a good idea thank you :) I might write him a poem or letter and put that in the coffin with some flowers too, I really like that idea thank you :)
I've been to the doctors and asked about counselling, unfortunately they wouldn't put me through, they told me to go for a walk whenever I feel sad :whistle: , and I don't have enough money to go private so I guess I'm stuck with the Internet :scared:

Thank you :)
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#10
Thank you, I'm still getting used to how everything works on here, it's all a little confusing with the responding and stuff. I'm sorry for your loss, Yes, that was one of the things I was concerned about, I didn't want the last image of him to be that. I'd rather remember him standing at my front door smiling at me because thats the last time I saw him.
that's a good idea thank you :) I might write him a poem or letter and put that in the coffin with some flowers too, I really like that idea thank you :)
I've been to the doctors and asked about counselling, unfortunately they wouldn't put me through, they told me to go for a walk whenever I feel sad :whistle: , and I don't have enough money to go private so I guess I'm stuck with the Internet :scared:

Thank you :)
Hi,
The guides in pink can help you if your struggling with answering etc. Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you can't have counselling at the moment.
Talk to us on the forum when your struggling.
I hope the funeral goes okay.
Take care
 
N

NickiMinaj2

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Messages
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#11
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandad.

Do what you feel is right for you. Please don't let anyone pressurise you into anything.

I saw my grandad laid out in a coffin at home when I was young and had nightmares for years.
I was very shocked because I had never seen a dead body before. Briefly, I was made to see him.
He didn't look like my grandad and that upset me and I was scared.

I saw my grandmother laid out when she had passed and I was ok with that, but it was my choice.
I was very close to both of them, and saw them every week. I was in my twenties when my grandmother passed and I and my husband cared for her as she suffered from dementia.

It is ok to remember your grandad as he was when he was well. You won't be letting him down by not going. He is not there really. It is just the shell that he was in when here.

He would not expect you to do anything that you were not comfortable with I am sure.

You could write a letter or ask for something to be placed with him as number60 and Mayflower suggest. I put a little token in with my grandmother (Nan).
I know that whatever you decide will be difficult. You could pay respects at his funeral when things are arranged, perhaps a reading?

I am so very sorry that you have lost your grandad. Clearly, you cared a lot for him.
Thank you, I'll try my best, I keep thinking I have to 'keep up appearences' with the family, they can be very competitive with everything, so if my cousins go to see him and I don't it will be used against me in the future :unsure: but I will keep in mind what you said about pressurising :)

I'm sorry for your losses, you must have been very close to both of them especially your grandma as you cared for her too :hug1:

I've never seen a dead body before even though we've had a lot of deaths in the family as I knew all my great grandparents too (on my mum's side) but my mum would never ask me to go, which I'm glad about; but this time it's from my dad's side of the family. Plus, my mum said I'm 21 now so I can make my own decision whether to go or not.

Reading the comments I don't think I'm going to go, I want to remember him as the smiley man he was everytime he saw me :) I'll never forget his last words to me "you just have to keep going, don't you?" which is quite sad considering the circumstances :low:
it's like you said though he isn't really there... just his shell. I never thought about it like that as it still hasn't hit me yet that he's gone. I went up my nan's yesterday and still expected him to be there in his normal chair and when I walked through the door my heart sank because it hit me again that he isn't here anymore. It's crazy, even though I've experienced loss before I've never felt grief like this :confused:

Yes, I think that is a great idea, I'm going to write him a letter or a poem and ask for them to put it in the coffin for me with some flowers :)

Thank you, it was all just a big shock and I don't think I'll ever get over this :( thank you for sharing your experiences :)
 
N

NickiMinaj2

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#12
Hi,
The guides in pink can help you if your struggling with answering etc. Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you can't have counselling at the moment.
Talk to us on the forum when your struggling.
I hope the funeral goes okay.
Take care
Thank you :) I'll take a look at the pink guides to help me understand this better :)
That's ok, thank you for responding, I will look into counselling in the future as I needed it before this for other reasons so I'll definitely be looking into that in the future.
Thank you, this forum is a nice place, I've had a snoop on some of the other topics and I didn't expect everyone to be so helpful and supportive :)
I hope so too, Thank you
you take care too :)
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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#13
I wasn't sure whether I really wanted to go to my Dads funeral or not,but I went anyway,because I knew deep down it was the right thing to do,for me.

I personally don't think there's a right or wrong way.I didn't go to a friends funeral simply because I didn't feel up to it,I just wasn't in the right headspace to deal with it.And I think it was ok to not go.

So whatever personal decision you make is perfectly ok.

Sorry for your loss.