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should i end it?

A

AngelMummy

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2009
Messages
4
hey all,

im new to this site and this is my first thread thats an actual question :) youd be reading forever so il keep it fairly brief, ive lived in germany with my german bf for 2 years now(im english) and it seems as though ive got with somone who is the farthest thing from supportive and helpful i could have chosen..
i think im not sure, that i maybe Agrophobic, along with depression that i was diagnosed with years ago, being 6f3 and having lived with the stupidest coments and looks i jus try to stay in alot, my bf works from home but on the other side of the room, this lack of space i think is partially why days are soo tense, he will never look at me when we speak, always tells me to shut up and leaves me to cry for ages, last night i was crying for no lie like an hour and abit and i got up and he jus ignores me. we lost our twin daughters last year due to TTTS and i dont have to say was the most horrific experience of my life. and that being said after my mum abusing me her bf trying to sexually and my whole family is this one whole skeleton in the closet, was in care, was one of those kids that tried to kill herlsef at 12 but didnt manage it. oki enough ranting about that, ive tried to get him to talk properly like adults about splitting, its very hard for me as im the one who has to move and get on a plane and start again, all he does is change the subject or bs me about it, i want to go but i feel as tho i need him to give me closure or somthin. any tips or advice would be very apriciated as very few people understand, im very atached to him, the love, and our daughters ect, but their "birthday" is coming up soon and we agreed we would go to see their grave last year, but he has left all of the organising to me ass tho he doesnt care. theres way more to this, so . thanks for reading :)
 
M

maudikie

Guest
to angel mummy

sounds as though you have got the wrong partner. But remember that if he is working from home h e needs space and time as well as you, and probablyt o be unditurbed. You sound as though you havent enough living space, and you both need your own space. Is there any possibility of getting better living accommodation. In the meantime can you find some voluntary work that will get you out of the house, and help you meet people. Or you might be able to find some classes to goto. You would then be ith other people, but not necessarily have to get too close or talk tothem yoo much until you got used to the.
Best wishes.:)
 
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mxm

Guest
i tried to killl myself when i was 7 but i dont think i know what to say. sorry about your loss.
do you have any access to talk therpies over there?
your boyfriend sounds a bit unfeeling but maybe thats his way of dealing with his pain though?
i hope you are ok.
 
L

lonelyandlost

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
233
Location
Bradford
I am really sorry for your loss, it must be such a hard time with their birthdays coming up.

Men often do deal with trauma and grief in a totally different way to most women, they feel like they need to keep it all in, they often feel in-superior if they talk about how they feel.

It is so hard for you too when you are trying to reach out from some support from him. Maybe he could handle the situation more if you wrote your true feelings down for him to read and then see if he can relate to how you are feeling too.

Not really ure on what else to say

Hugs xx
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi AngelMummy

I am so sorry for your loss of your twins and also for what appears to be the loss of your childhood and your self esteem. Any one of those events could cause anyone to feel depressed however all combined must be very difficult to come to terms with.

I do agree with what the others say that your bfs reaction may be his way of trying to come to terms with his grief. It may not be just his way of handling grief, it could be a cultural thing, different cultures learn to respond to things in different ways too. However whatever the reason this does not mean that the effect his reaction is having on you is to be ignored.

I think when you are dealing with grief and going through depression, in most cases big decisions should be avoided, they can sometimes be made on the wrong basis, or in fact excacerbate your problems. In my opinion you need some extra support, and if you can not find it from him at the moment you need to try and find it from elsewhere. Is there anyone you know who knows the extent of your history and problems you can turn to? Personally I think you may benefit from some professional help here. Perhaps some grief counselling, or some general counselling or some therapy. Is there somewhere you can seek that in Germany? Is language going to be a barrier for you?

Perhaps you would both benefit from some couples counselling too? So you can both openly discuss how you are dealing with things and how this is effecting each of you. Sometimes being away from the home, away from distractions, and having a mediator can help the most reticent of people to open up.

After some counselling you might be in a better place to make that decision, and to seek some support for if you do decide to leave to help you do it in a way that is going to cause the least amount of stress for you.

In the meantime, do keep posting, sometimes just venting your feelings can provide some relief.

Take care
Sapphire :hug:
 
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A

AngelMummy

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2009
Messages
4
thankyou

thankyou to all for the advice, its been food for thought, its been a VERY difficult hard decision as it goes round and round in your head and you start to panic ect ive booked a flight so have to start from scratch AGAIN, ive suggested couples counciling many times, he acts like he has no feeling but anger, he acts like he doesnt care and that hes sick of me trying to talk to him, i can honestly say ive looked at myself sooo much in an attempt to try to make this work, ive felt more needy of him since we lost our girls, and actually he left me 2days after we burried them to fly to china for the olympics with his dad and didnt even give a shit where i was in all of it, i was furious and found it sooo hard to not seriously hate him when he came back, i felt sooo abandoned and completly dumped, i felt like i lost EVERYTHING and breifly returned to self harm which ive since stopped as its always an ongoing thing.no more rubbish, im sick of being a slave to my emotions, living my life acording to how i feel cuz its got me nowhere so far,cept shock at how much worse it keeps getting, wish me luck as i prolly wont be able to be online soon :)
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
leave that soab while you still have some self esteem left!:scared:
 
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