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She's discharged today before she is ready :(

K

keith74

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Hello all,
Just an update for those who have been aware of my plight:

Quick summary, wife is in the throes of a manic episode. I was able to get her to a hospital and make her stay against her will. She has been fighting being held there and won her last appeal. She will be discharged today against the recommendations of the doctors who feel she needs another week to make sure she follows through on her treatment.

We are currently in a separation. She is mad at me for: a) calling 911 on her to get her help b) advocating against her in regards to both leaving the hospital and also c) supporting the hospital's desire to take away consent for treatment. Her true mood fluctuates between wanting total separation/divorce and temporary separation and possible reconciliation. She feels she is not manic anymore so I fear she will abandon outpatient treatment plans. Any discussion regarding her mania immediately causes anger.

She is planning on staying at a hotel while she figures out longer term housing plans. I may move out and let her stay here.

In any case, I fear our relationship is over if her mania does not subside on its own. I get anxious even talking to her because she can quickly flip to anger. Sadly, I am actually simply not comfortable being with her anymore. I do think it is best we stay apart during this time.

I'm thinking for my own good, I really take this separation seriously. She still wants to meet up, etc when she is in a good mood (but that can change on a dime). I'm thinking I should avoid her as much as possible because her mood swings worry me and I simply am not comfortable. I'm wondering if I am not being fair to my wife, who is still in a manic state and maybe needs some more support from me. But I've been trying so hard to convince her to get the help she needs at the hospital and she is really fed up with me and I am exhausted and drained dealing with her.

Is it ok if i really treat this separation seriously and let my wife do her thing, and avoiding her if needed?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Most people do have to put there loved one in hospital because it is very energy draining to provide such a high level of care for very long.

Most families seem to do shifts, the loved one gets passed from mum, to sister, to friend, for hours at a time, to 'babysit'.

Is that possible?

I think her having the house might be good as long as you have somewhere nice to stay. Or can she stay with her sister?

Here we have supported housing.
Is there no bridge housing? Halfway house, via hospital to home
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I would take the separation seriously.
It sounds like you could use a break from the situation and it is what she wants. I’m not sure I would let her have the house since it seems like you would be rewarding her for her behavior and desire to be in separation but that is up to you to decide. You have done what you can do to care for her but she is a grown up and should be able to care for herself too. Especially since she feels very strongly that she is able to. xo, j
 
K

keith74

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Well so far so bad... she has been texting me all morning being excited about her discharge and (for some reason) thinking I am too. She even tells me she loves me. Then she calls me and asks me to help her with her bags to the hotel. I tell her I have a work meeting in 10 minutes and maybe she can take an Uber. Her tone changes instantly and she tells me "you are prioritizing work of me, something my dad did that I hated". Then she says "you know what, I don't even want to see you today so I am not coming over at all" and hung up.

In a small way I am happy she is not coming over (her plan was to pick up some stuff). Talking to her makes me anxious enough. See her would be more so. But very disappointed she would get so triggered by me asking her to take an Uber instead. I felt I need to show that I will not drop everything for her every time.
 
K

keith74

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I would take the separation seriously.
It sounds like you could use a break from the situation and it is what she wants. I’m not sure I would let her have the house since it seems like you would be rewarding her for her behavior and desire to be in separation but that is up to you to decide. You have done what you can do to care for her but she is a grown up and should be able to care for herself too. Especially since she feels very strongly that she is able to. xo, j
It's weird, JessisMe. On one had, she she will be ranting about me betraying her and she wanted a divorce asap. But on the other hand when I told her I looked into separation, she would be upset that "I actually went there". Overall I think some separation (even if temporary) is good since she still has (fluctuating) anger towards me while I find her current behavior anxiety provoking.

The reason why I am offering her to stay at our condo is because I fear she will blow her budget on luxury hotels during this time. I trust myself more to find an affordable long-term renting situation than her.

In any case after what just happened (see my last post), I am going to really minimize contact now unless necessary. I can't handle that kind of swing and instant irritability.
 
K

keith74

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Joined
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Messages
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Most people do have to put there loved one in hospital because it is very energy draining to provide such a high level of care for very long.

Most families seem to do shifts, the loved one gets passed from mum, to sister, to friend, for hours at a time, to 'babysit'.

Is that possible?

I think her having the house might be good as long as you have somewhere nice to stay. Or can she stay with her sister?

Here we have supported housing.
Is there no bridge housing? Halfway house, via hospital to home
Unfortunately we don't have any family where we live. The reason why I am thinking of letting her stay at out place is because I trust myself to find more affordable rent for myself than her blowing money on luxury hotels.

Fortunately we both do have some savings for emergencies. I guess this is an emergency!
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I couldn't cope with it either. I don't like the way she talks to you, as you also have needs and worries. Does she ask how you are and how work is?

I understand there is a potential money issue.

My mum has bipolar disorder by the way, without depressive episodes though, and it was hell growing up with her. It continues to be very difficult now. I don't live with her anymore which is why life is easier.

I could not cope with a partner with any kind of mental health problems.

When was the last time she was well? Is she kind and calm when well?
 
K

keith74

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I couldn't cope with it either. I don't like the way she talks to you, as you also have needs and worries. Does she ask how you are and how work is?

I understand there is a potential money issue.

My mum has bipolar disorder by the way, without depressive episodes though, and it was hell growing up with her. It continues to be very difficult now. I don't live with her anymore which is why life is easier.

I could not cope with a partner with any kind of mental health problems.

When was the last time she was well? Is she kind and calm when well?
She is very kind when well. Wonderful person. I really do not recognize her when she is this angry manic
 
K

keith74

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Update: She ended up surprising me by coming home. Her mood was good so I let her stay. She took her meds and slept over (in different room). This morning she was ok but her mood shifted and she got super nasty verbally to me and went back to me being a horrible husband, impotent man, etc and she can't stand me and wants a separation. She said she has to get out and she'll go to a hotel. I decided that might be best for both of us for awhile. Because "the sight of me made her sick", I went for a walk to let her pack in peace. When I came back, she was partially packed but said she needs a nap first because she took her meds just recently and they make her drowsy (this is true). She is now napping. Her mood soften a bit. Maybe she will want to change her mind and stay but I really do think it is healthier for both of us if we don't stay together, at least for now. I am going to push that she does leave.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Update: She ended up surprising me by coming home. Her mood was good so I let her stay. She took her meds and slept over (in different room). This morning she was ok but her mood shifted and she got super nasty verbally to me and went back to me being a horrible husband, impotent man, etc and she can't stand me and wants a separation. She said she has to get out and she'll go to a hotel. I decided that might be best for both of us for awhile. Because "the sight of me made her sick", I went for a walk to let her pack in peace. When I came back, she was partially packed but said she needs a nap first because she took her meds just recently and they make her drowsy (this is true). She is now napping. Her mood soften a bit. Maybe she will want to change her mind and stay but I really do think it is healthier for both of us if we don't stay together, at least for now. I am going to push that she does leave.
Sounds like a difficult but necessary choice. :hug:
 
Tawny

Tawny

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That is good she is taking her meds. The more sleep she gets, the better. Hopefully she will keep progressing like this and everything will be back to normal soon.
 
K

keith74

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Update: I did a selfish move that I don't feel good about. After she work up from her nap, she started to become verbally aggressive again (no shouting or cursing, just a constant stream of cutting insults). I asked her when she plans on leaving and she sad after she makes herself dinner. I decided to leave the condo again for some piece of mind. When I come back, she is cleaning the condo non-stop. I ask when she will leave and she said after cleaning and to leave her alone. So I leave her alone while she cleans over and over for a few hours. Finally she is done and I ask where she plans on going and she says she doesn't want to leave. I tell her I think it is a good idea and she says why I give up on her so easily. I said I don't think it is a good idea to be living together right now. I volunteer to go to a hotel. She says I am being so short-sighted and giving up because I can't take the heat. I then ask her if she doesn't mind going to a hotel for a bit while I come up with plan to move out in the meantime. After some back and forth, she finally decides to leave to a few days. Surprisingly she wanted a hug from me and told me she loved me when she left.

I was extremely relieved when she left because I felt some peace and felt I could relax. I was pretty sure I would not be able to sleep that night because she seemed wired.

She then came over (unannounced) this morning to eat and pick up some more clothes. It was ok, she was not in as irritated state. She left after 30 minutes. She made comments about coming over for her meals and we can still meet up. I'm torn. To be honest, I am not fully comfortable hanging out with her because her mood can shift really bad around me. I rather keep the distance. But she is still my wife and going through a manic episode so I still do have some obligation to her despite her constant threats of separation and divorce.... what to do?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Congratulations on being firm with your wife. It seems like being faced with the very real consequences of her behavior has woken her up a bit. If I were you I would share your concerns with her. Tell her that you hesitate to have her back over because she abuses you so badly but that you do want to try to support her. See what she says about it. Mania is a form of psychiatric crisis but everyone still does have to take responsibility for their behaviors and their effects on other people. If you are persuaded by her response maybe allow her to come over for hour long increments (or something like that) on a trial basis? It seems like she is responding well to the structure and the consequences so do what feels right but I might lean towards doing something like that. xo, j
 
HLon99

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I'll be honest with you, after reading your threads I think you have come to the right conclusion. When you first brought up the idea of tough love, I was hesitant to condone, because Mania is a legitimate psychiatric emergency and people who suffer from this tend to loose insight to their behaviours and therefore need to be treated with a degree of tolerance. But the more I read about your wife's behaviour and attitude towards you, the more I'm inclined to say that some firm boundaries right now will do you some good. As jess quite rightly said, we still have to take responsibility for our actions and their consequences and if we are not able to we ought to give ourselves up into the care of those who can help us get back on our feet. I'm not proud of the reckless things that I have done when manic, but even at my worst I never lost sight of basic human decency and if I ever upset anyone I would always apologise after the fact.

The fact that she, after all this time refuses to do so, speak volumes, not about her mental disorder, but forgive me for saying but about her character as a person. So maybe some time away right now is just what the doctor ordered.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I'll be honest with you, after reading your threads I think you have come to the right conclusion. When you first brought up the idea of tough love, I was hesitant to condone, because Mania is a legitimate psychiatric emergency and people who suffer from this tend to loose insight to their behaviours and therefore need to be treated with a degree of tolerance. But the more I read about your wife's behaviour and attitude towards you, the more I'm inclined to say that some firm boundaries right now will do you some good. As jess quite rightly said, we still have to take responsibility for our actions and their consequences and if we are not able to we ought to give ourselves up into the care of those who can help us get back on our feet. I'm not proud of the reckless things that I have done when manic, but even at my worst I never lost sight of basic human decency and if I ever upset anyone I would always apologise after the fact.

The fact that she, after all this time refuses to do so, speak volumes, not about her mental disorder, but forgive me for saying but about her character as a person. So maybe some time away right now is just what the doctor ordered.
Agreed.
 
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