• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

She attempted suicide, and I can never speak to her again.

S

Strong

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2014
Messages
23
I'm in a relationship and it has been abusive, with my partner being obsessively jealous/controlling as to which female friends I spoke to from work and so forth. It was getting to the ridiculous stage and I was getting more and more tired of it, last year I was unhappy so I started talking to a woman from work, who offered to go out with me, I didn't but I kept this a secret, my partner found out and yeah, we got through it. But months later, it got worse and worse. I tried making friends and was nagged, made to feel bad, etc, all the trademarks of an unpleasant abusive partner.

I got extremely depressed and started speaking to someone new at work: They claimed to be in a relationship with someone who was the same, only less extreme, and I was so unhappy at this stage I wanted to change my life, even if it meant leaving my partner. Me and this girl started talking, as friends, but soon she was hanging out with me EVERY day after work, dropping me off home after every shift (while she's in a relationship) and basically one day I realise I have feelings for her. I tell a common friend, like just blurted it out and then the girl lets me know she's basically found out a few days later. It turns out, she feels the same way, so after work Im stood with her and I basically said that nothing could happen because we're in a relationship. Later, she's talking to me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I tell her to stop, and she says she wants to know whether we can talk as friends, or as us liking each other. I said as friends, and then yeah, that was that. But my partner was getting worse, and as I came out of the depression all of my anger surfaced, and I needed this girl as a friend, as well as someone I had feelings for: I felt like I deserved better, so when I next saw her at work I said I wanted to talk to her as having feelings for her but not cheating etc.

So we're talking, but i'm keeping this a secret: Please keep in mind, my partner was at the stage of yelling at me when someone messaged me about a shift at work. She makes a lot of moves, even brings in her boyfriend to make me jealous.. It was still innocent although obviously not completely. She asks me to kiss her, before shes off for a week, I don't answer and she says she's gone too far etc after, before being off. Then, she breaks up with her partner, for good, and I support her. A few days later she's telling me how she's going to 'get me in trouble'. Anyways, three weeks later of talking, my partner attacks me at 3am and accuses me of having an affair. She smashes up my stuff, assaults me and I have to flee at 3am, before deciding its finally time to leave.

But my partner texts me saying shes on suicide watch and yeah, three months later I've been having a full blown affair. I'm looking for somewhere to move to, my partner and I go from engaged to single/dating, and I am constantly fighting with my partner every day. So anyway this girl I am seeing has issues that pop up every now and again, even at the beginning and they develop more and more until basically I am afraid of her somewhat: She talks about previous self harm, how she can't trust ME (when we met through the same way) and basically has an EXTREMELY intrusive family that bully her into trying not to even speak to me.

Anyways she starts behaving even more odd, and announces we shouldn't even speak until I have moved out. Although upset, I agree as I genuinely do feel guilt at what I have been doing sometimes, not necessarily because of my partner but also at the cost of my personal integrity: I am a good person, and although I was doing the wrong thing, I was doing it because I was leaving and because I cared about this girl and she had been there for me and I her, not just for a casual fling.

So anyways, I speak to her a couple of times after this and she's basically being more and more out of order to me and unpleasant, and then a series of events happen in my life. My partner, who I still have feelings for (I'm leaving because of the behaviour, what I am currently doing, loads of reasons) drinks a TONNE of booze when I am out, I come back to her screaming at me she wants to die etc and her whole family are freaking out calling etc saying they're coming up. I start to seriously doubt myself and what I have become, I look at myself and see someone completely different, full of fury and doing the wrong thing.

Anyways, this girl is becoming more unstable and contacts me the next day sending a picture, texting etc and trying to make me jealous. I say I can't help the circumstances etc, and she keeps insulting me etc so I hang up. She texts me further, I ignore it until the next day I reply saying she's out of order, which leads to her saying don't speak to me basically. I'm sick of her, and the following tuesday she comes into work and tells a mutual friend that im messing her around etc, basically having a go and then has a massive go at me through text after work because of something else that was out of my control, and because I won't argue back she says never contact me ever again.

I'm worried about her because she's on anti depressants and she's self harmed: She told me this before and that she stopped taking her meds over a week ago. I ring her and calmly beg her to talk to me just like before, no fighting and she breaks down saying she cant. She says she's harming herself etc again, then hangs up. I call back and say she needs help, and that if she wont get it, I will. I'll tell her family and they'll help her, that I don't care how she feels as long as she's safe. She FLIPS and hangs up, before texting me like mad saying I'm betraying her etc, that i'm calling her a f'in psycho, and starts ringing me.

I don't pick up because I want her to calm down, but later she asks me to call and says she wont speak. I call, and make it clear I just want her to be okay, I don't expect a relationship or whatever, or even to see her, I just want her to be okay. Her brother answers, insults me, and says its him all along. He says she can't come to the phone, I ask if shes okay and he won't answer. He says hes coming down to my work the next day to show me something, and that i'm never to contact her again.

The next day he shows up with her mum, and in front of everyone her mum rips me to pieces. She blames me almost entirely, along with this mutual friend, and says I caused her to attempt suicide, before her brother shows me the suicide note she wrote. She calls me names, threatens me and says if I even text to see how she is she'll kill me, as well as the fact people are looking for me and want to kill me also, and I shouldn't be surprised if people are waiting for me after work before storming out. I get taken out back and told to go to the police, I don't and they send me home early. I get a text in the evening saying its from this girl, her family have told her what they did (WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, RIGHT AFTER HER SUICIDE ATTEMPT THEY GO IN AND TELL HER??!?!?) and it wasn't my fault it was only 'partly your fault' and I was like.... So I ignore it because I don't know if it's her and also, her mum told me she's in a crisis ward being watched so she doesn't do it again. I didn't know if it was her. It broke my heart not to reply. I just didn't want to make her life harder. I didn't know it was her. She had also told her family me and her had ONE arguement and I was making her feel bad on purpose.. Which I wasn't :s

I go on a pre booked holiday a few days later for a week ,and my partner is aware of pretty much everything at this point due to how public it is. I'm still in shock/grieving and this mutual friend lets me know she's still in being watched, and she's not allowed to shave her legs because shes harming herself with the implements, and that her mums looking for me AGAIN. I just felt sick for days. I got back, changed my profile picture on fb to a picture of me and my partner from our family holiday, and then tried carrying on. We moved, I changed my number etc but I keep wanting to talk to her. I'm still grieving.. I know she must be getting help because she's being sectioned and she'll get help, apparently she was moved to a psychiatric ward, but shortly after her mum tore me apart and i'm guessing because I didnt reply she was texting our mutual friend saying I was bad news even though the mutual friend was apparently a problem too?

The feelings I have are familiar because my brother attempted suicide about 7 years ago, but obviously completely different.. Also I was allowed to see my brother, I have no idea what to do or how to deal with this at all. I am still happy sometimes, but i DON'T feel like I am all here, I think about it everyday and how terrified I am she could do it again, even more so if I was to contact her but I fear she wouldn't want to speak to me anyways due to her family filling her mind, even when she was most vulnerable, thoughts about how I was messing her around. I just don't feel like I can vent any of this to anyone I know, its either private or obviously I had an affair and shouldn't have, I'm worried about her and most of all I don't want her to think I messed her around...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
N

Nicola398

Guest
Strong, you need to be strong and see how much you are causing all this,and it is hurting you more than the women involved!Your feelings and concern for the women in your life are seemingly understandable,but they are indicating codependent behavior and issues.So I recommend detatch and focus on yourself,your own mental health and focusing on what it is inside you,what unhealed wounds are attracting you to women with emotional troubles who turn to you in dependency and who you feel responsible for and care so much to help?Take control of yourself and your life and stop trying to make it all ok for these women.They are responsible for their own mental health and you are as a partner not placed to make them and their issues your responsibility.You are caught in a whirlpool,don't get sucked under, you have to look at this and get right out of it all!

I recommend a look at this website about codependency and especially in your case the 'Obsession', and'Controlling' sub sections of the article.

What is Co-Dependency? Spirit-Online UK, Co-Dependency / Relapse Prevention Treatment Programme, Somerset, England, UK. Codependency Treatment UK. Relationship Issues Recovery Obsessive Compulsive Behaviours Abuse Issues Boundaries Low Self Esteem
 
S

Strong

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2014
Messages
23
Was I right to not answer and to not contact?
 
N

Nicola398

Guest
Absolutely you did the right thing,you aren't responsible and can't help, it doesn't mean you don't care but you have to honor your own feelings and boundaries,strong, threatening suicide and self harming are massive issues, you may feel out of your depth, so it is wise to stay away.Take care and look after yourself and be aware if you are being emotionally blackmailed and put upon.Best wishes.NicolaX
 
S

Strong

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2014
Messages
23
I'm really trying to get past it, but its so difficult. I keep wanting to talk to her, at my work people are spreading malicious rumours about me, saying I got her pregnant/disowned her so she attempted suicide and my managers are basically saying they can't do anything as no proof... I'm ignoring it but I just can't seem to feel pretty good about myself, I don't feel anything like I did before this all started... I need help, I asked for counselling and have been told I have to wait four months...
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
A my ex tried to blame attempted suicides on me People 7
Confusedandanxious Scared, confused and lost. (TW - mention of suicide) People 9
K I'm having trouble socializing again after a near suicide. People 1
N Husband threatened suicide. Now he won't stop calling. People 3
A my boyfriend tried to commit suicide People 4
N Girlfriend may commit suicide People 1
O essay abt suicide that i wrote when i was 11-gone like that(sentimental value thread) People 1
Y Assisted suicide... People 1
R My life has proven yesterday to be a dead end and things will never get better, I can’t stand it. People 0
M Never felt so alone People 5
S 32 girl , no friends to see , never had a bf either, worried il be alone forever People 5
B Ive never been in a relationship People 16
X You'll never know someone's pain... People 1
C I feel like I'm never going to be able to have any kind of relationship again... People 2
A My Mother was ill and unhappy.It was never picked up on. People 7
RainbowHeartz never gonna happen is it.... People 3
I im never going to have the luxery of having a girlfriend :( People 10
M Never had a relationship, and scared to get close. People 2
H 33 years old and never had a serious relationship People 29
D Has anyone else never been in a couple in the usual long term sense of the word? People 1
D Help support mom that never leaves house People 2
D 19, had 8 rejections, never had a real gf... tonight its getting tome People 15

Similar threads

Top