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C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
I've been meaning to write this all week, but always came up with excuses to do it
later. Since it's already the end of the week I thought I'd give it a go.

It's not my intention to sound overly dramatic - it's just really this bad.
I haven't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, but it's safe to assume I suffer from depression. I've been this way for about eight years. I'm 19 years old.

And honestly, I've done everything I can think of to try to get better.
Whether it's getting another job, eating healthily, losing weight, investing more time in my hobbies, setting short-term goals and achieving them, keeping an organised sleep-schedule, exercise and therapy.
Most the above I still practise to this day. Giving it my all to try to believe at least one of them would make a difference. But we all know how it ends. That's why most of us are here.

I haven't tried taking medication, and I don't intend to.
I don't think taking medication is bad or a sign of weakness. But it's just not for me.

I've seen four different therapists these last four years.
Weekly sessions with my current lovely therapist. Only problem is you aren't always at your lowest on Thursdays (the day we meet), nor are you at your best the rest of the time (the time we...don't meet). "What are friends for? Can't you share what you're going through with them?"
After graduation, I'm still in touch with a limited amount of people, to whom there's only one or two I'm comfortable to disclose my feelings.
The people I'm mostly around (from my workplace), I don't know for long enough (in my book) or don't trust enough. I get along with them just fine, but I wouldn't want to spoil the mood, anyway. And I have one more texting buddy who started avoiding the subject when I bring it up, so there's that.

So, I feel horrible most of the time, and all this negativity just keeps welling up with the passage of time...while I have nobody to talk to about it.

This is where my brilliant idea comes in.
Whenever I'm feeling down on my luck/on the verge of stabbing my eyes out - I'll come back to this thread and whine about it nonstop so that I can feel better!
I'd like this to be a place for me to vent, rather than look for a solution. I'm actually trying to find out if joining an online community of people who feel the same way is a solution, in its own way (which is the only thing I haven't tried).
I think I'll mostly focus on how it feels, rather than everything around it.

Don't be shy and if you feel bad, too, you're more than welcome to post how you feel here, as well. Who knows? Maybe some self-pity can turn out to be comforting - all the more so as part of a group.

Nice to meet you. I'm actually pretty friendly when you get to know me better.
 
W

Waverunner

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2,197
Welcome to the forum. Feel free to vent!
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
Hi and :welcome:

Feel free to vent or start a journal (we have a journals section) or just carry on in general.

Have a hug :hug: and good luck! :)
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Thanks. :)
Hope I'll stick to this idea, you know? Sometimes you have really bad days, but when you finally sit in front of your computer you're all out of momentum and end up watching silly videos. Venting seems like the way to go.
Journal section, you say? Dunno if I'm into that, but I might give it a look. Where can I find it?
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
So, I think I'm on the verge of tears right now. I'd say it started two or three hours ago.
I don't really feel all that connected to my feelings at the moment, so it's just an unpleasant pinching sensation in my chest - my eyes aren't actually tearing up yet, but they still kinda burn.

Can't think of anything that triggered it. It just settled on me all of the sudden.
I tried distracting myself, but I can't take my mind off of it for long enough to feel any better.
I haven't met with my therapist for two weeks (was needed at my workplace), so maybe that's had its effects on me. Seeing her tomorrow, don't know if I'll be able to convey my frustration properly in order to feel relieved, though.

This is a little embarassing.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Now I'm just stressing out for no apparent reason. This happens all the time.
It's never going to stop.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Things aren't going so great.
I'm currently on a bus to the city where my therapy sessions take place. About a 2-hour ride.
I can't really put my finger on what's triggering this - but then again - there's, usually, no trigger whatsoever.
It's clawing at my chest and ripping a bloody hole in the centre. It also feels like my heart is sinking, pulling everything that surrounds it along with it - which makes me want to throw up.
My therapist and I haven't met for two weeks. When on Monday my boss told me that my help will be needed on Thursday, I was just about ready to burst into tears. Which never happened, because I'm too proud to be seen crying by anyone.
I don't know what I'll be telling her, to be honest. So much stress has been building up over the last two weeks, that it's ridiculous to even hope a 50-minute chat will be of any help.
I feel horrible.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Things aren't going so great.
I'm currently on a bus to the city where my therapy sessions take place. About a 2-hour ride.
I can't really put my finger on what's triggering this - but then again - there's, usually, no trigger whatsoever.
It's clawing at my chest and ripping a bloody hole in the centre. It also feels like my heart is sinking, pulling everything that surrounds it along with it - which makes me want to throw up.
My therapist and I haven't met for two weeks. When on Monday my boss told me that my help will be needed on Thursday, I was just about ready to burst into tears. Which never happened, because I'm too proud to be seen crying by anyone.
I don't know what I'll be telling her, to be honest. So much stress has been building up over the last two weeks, that it's ridiculous to even hope a 50-minute chat will be of any help.
I feel horrible.
I'm so sorry. I really hope you feel better after your session. Please try to breathe while you're on the bus; try 4 seconds to breathe in and 8 seconds to breathe out, if you can. It'll help calm you down and stop your thoughts from racing a little bit.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Thanks, dude. I'm, actually, past the bus ride. Took only about an hour or so, suprisingly. Not much traffic. Managed to fight the urge to vomit - breathing slowly through my nose really helped.
I still have 45 minutes before my appointment starts. I honestly hope I'll leave it feeling lighter.
I feel like I won't be able to express myself throughly enough in order to achieve that.
She just walked passed me - might have that session a bit ahead of time.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Although short, the session lifted the fog a bit. My chest isn't as tight as it was earlier. Though I'm feeling a bit sick, I believe I can refrain from vomitting on the trip back.
It's not all good, but at least there's some improvement.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
As expected, I'm back to square one.
Feel heavier than before with the sensation of something jamming my throat. Those 50 minutes yesterday helped me for a little while, but they're no good now.
This is really frustrating. What makes it worse is having to maintain my composure while at work - which is what I'm doing now.
At least at home I can just lie down and stare at the wall until the bad feeling goes away.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Dude, I don't know what to do.
Should I even be wasting any energy, hoping for it to go away? Should I be disappointed every single time, even though there's nothing surprising about this?
This bites, and it never gets easier.
And you can never get used to this, is what annoys me the most!
Just oh-my-Gosh with this.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
The day has barely begun and I, already, can't wait for it to be over.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
My current depressive episode has been going on for over a month.
I believe it started on March 26th, and now going stronger than ever.
Yesterday was when I scraped the bottom, I would say. The day couldn't have gone any worse, despite nothing of note ever happening.
And I mean nothing bad happened AT ALL. But it was simply unbearable.
It was so bad that, when I finally got home, after having watched some TV with my sisters - I had to rush to my room out of fear I'd break into tears.
...Which was, then, what I proceeded to do. I felt like a fucking idiot, but the tears started flowing out and I was whining like nobody's business. The door was locked and I let some of it out.
Yet here I am again...just like I was yesterday. It's not letting up until I give up. Who knows what happens then?
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Have yet to climb out of the shit-pit I slipped into three days ago.
I went to sleep with a gaping hole in my chest yesterday.
I talked to my therapist on the phone today in order to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to have me diagnosed next time I'm there. Can't do my job properly, my thoughts are scattered everywhere, and whenever I even come close to discussing the matter with people whom my well-being holds relevance in their lives - I end up crying when I'm finally alone.

I'm just so sick and tired of all this.
 
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