Shame

P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#1
Does anyone have a life of shame? I'll try not to explain too much detail, but since i was 18 (62 now), i'll had to cope with it.
When the shame began, it was like in a matter of only 3 days time. I just hit me like a sunami. My mind became flooded with very vivid and explicit sexual thoughts. I was extremely paranoid. Everything had a sexual connotation. I couldn't even put my hand in my pocket without feeling a spike of sexual frustration and shame. I couldn't turn the car steering wheel left or right because it headed in the direction of my (private part). Turning off or on a light switch on the wall........hand coming downward...EVERYTHING had sexual connections. To this day even. Holding a frying pan on stove. I don't want to "go ahead" and hold the handle because of the connotation that's "ahead of me".
Anyway, my life has been controled by this. For some reason, it's like i'm outside of myself instead of being inside. I look at people the wrong way with a locked in personal connection. Even T.V. bother's me. I don't like seeing "people". It's almost as though "society" is ONE and they are to blame for all my shame. Like it commited some deep immoral act and i';m persecuted by everyone. I'm still to this day paranoid and feel I'm not liked.
 
Tabby 88

Tabby 88

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Oct 20, 2018
Messages
473
#2
I do and it is one of the reasons i have made suicide attempts. Actually, the only reason. It is the reason i am not working and have no normal life. Shame is the reason i drink and feel i am stuck in a never ending cycle of self-hatred. All things i did when i didn't know any better, and people saw who now think i am stupid.

Shame must be one of the worst things. Sickening shame. Disgust.
 
Tabby 88

Tabby 88

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Oct 20, 2018
Messages
473
#3
I'm sorry that was all about me.

For you, yes i have been manic and the sexual obsession of that also disgusts me but fortunately that i can put down to my illness, but it still disgusts me into increasing my medication.

Sex seems disgusting to me. I don't think i will ever do it again i don't even like parts of my body now i would love to remove breasts and close other parts or wave a wand and not be male or female and have no repro organs.

These are our own issues though. Your reason is different to mine but you are not alone in the shame thing.
 
P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#4
Reply

Tabby,
Maybe not in ALL ways, but you are going thru so much of what i experience too. I'm sure if has affected you in many of the same ways as me. I mean how it alters so many situations.
I'm 62 now, 63 next month. All those years gone by and still......
Every day of course dealing with it, weather alone at home with nothing but worry, or...to go out.
Same as you also......I've been on disibility past 26 years or so. But i used to work many years before i tried the disibility. Now because of disibility, it causes depression etc. more.
How long have you been coping with it Tabby?
Sex doesn't disgust me, but it "causes" all the shame. When all this first began around age 18, i "quit" sex entirely cold turkey (i mean i was still a virgin if you understand what i mean). I was working at that time and out of my mind with terrifing sexual thoughts. It was more than bad enough, but if i happened to just accidentally glance or a friend show me a Playboy or something, i was in dead serious trouble because now i was guilty of something wrong and then go to work next day with it on my mind. My conscious was an open book. I'm sure everything about me seemed provocative. So, for ten years, i had no sex and it was such a hard thing to cope with that because i DID have nothing but lustful feelings along with all that conscientious thoughts. Ok, i'm talking alot.
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#5
Sounds like you have OCD which causes Anxiety. Just a guess.

Like you have the obsessive thoughts more than you have the complusions. Like it's keeping you from doing certain things. Interfering with your Iife.

I mean having bad thoughts is okay because you're not perfect, but when you act out on those bad thoughts then it's not. Plus it has interfered with your life not great.

You should check out the mental ilness OCD/Anxiety also to see what medicine are good for the two combine. Zoloft is one. It helps with both situations.

I can relate to you on the shame, because we all can. We all have been there done that and still is. It's good you care about your well-being and others. But don't beat yourself up too much to where you give out, which you haven't, because you still want to get better and live. Great!

Don't let your obsessive thoughts control you "know" more. Control the things you can and don't worry about the things you can't control. Keep notes on your negative thoughts, reflect, "wright" positive responses to them, and when that/those negative thoughts come bothering...response positively. GL GB BS!
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#6
Relations is a good gift from God and doesn't have to be applied to your life or your marriage if you and your spouse agrees to it.

X is only shameful on how you go about it. For instance the opposite of good.

You should research up the pros and cons of X to try to have a well stated analogies on being intimate.

There is no harm in having relations unless you use it to cause harm.

X is healthy, but can be unhealthy as society has made it out to be.

GL GB BS!
 
Last edited:
P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#7
Hi

Oddy,
thanks for your insight. I have been dealing with this for about 50 years.
Yes, I have thought it might be a form of OCD. Many years ago, i tried some OCD meds, but didn't help. I can't take anything really because of side effects. Zoloft et etc. Been on everything. 99 Per cent of the time, it's one dose, then stop. I am sure the shame has always been a kind of psychosis as part of it. It was just too enormous to be simple guilt...far far from that. But the neurolyptics meds are the ones that i really need for that and they have all causes panic attacks and i've had so many i will not even think about taking those anymore. It's like dying everytime.
I've been on Gabapentin the past 9 months or so and it's helped ALOT, especially at the beginning, but the past couple months, it's really starting to wear out and the bad feelings are starting to creep in more and more. The Dr. does increase it each month, but i can see where it's leading.
One aspect of it is that it makes a dramatic difference in eye contact. On it, it's like i have a filter in front of my eyes when making eye contact and i'm secure. As soon as it wears off, any eye contact is like me lunging....towards the person in a deep personal way and i feel evil and everyone is persecuting me and see's me that way. At least at home, it fights off worrying too much.
 
P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#8
X

It's the shame that makes me feel bad, evil...it's not any act.
I've never done anything illegal etc..or anything anyone else hasn't done.
Someone could tell me that "x" isn't bad and have...........but that's not the point.
I KNOW that. It's WHY. Why do i carry so much shame. Obviously, it's a psychosis. When it started, it was like a brick wall, all came rushing into me with in about 3 days time. Never the same since. They say most mental disorders occur during adolescence. And i can understand that now. Makes sense. It was almost like i was holding off adulthood by having sex with myself. Then i quit for a week, then all of a sudden, the shame all came in. It was never their before that, but i felt i should quit what i was doing for a odd reason that i believed it was not a "mature" thing to keep doing anymore and mature people didn't do it. Very strange.
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#9
Hi! And welcome.

Yeah medicine is only a temporary fix and not a permanent one. We the people can only speak half truths because we don't know it all.

You need to try a cognitive behavioral therapy though.

Sorry for your lost meaning your loss of happiness in life. You still have time to gain it back, but you just have to continue to work at it until you depart from this world. Everyday is a battle we have to fight so keep fighting until you can't no more.

"Compulsive sexual behavior is sometimes called hypersexuality, hypersexuality disorder or sexual addiction. It's an excessivepreoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that is difficult to control, causes youdistress, or negatively affects your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life."
 
Last edited:
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#11
According to Dictionary.com, then, guilt involves the awareness of having done something wrong; it arises from our actions (even if it might be one that occurs in fantasy). Shame may result from the awareness of guilt but apparently is not the same thing as guilt.
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#12
Here are 8 strategies for overcoming shame and restoring self-esteem:
Revisit your childhood. ...
Recognize your triggers. ...
Practice self-compassion. ...
Challenge your thoughts. ...
Don't double-layer shame. ...
Avoid shame reinforcers. ...
Accept love and kindness. ...
Practice forgiveness.
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#13
Guilt is believing that one has done something bad; shame is believing that one is bad.
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#15
Sorry for spamming you lol, but check out those post and articles. GL GB BS!
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#16
Sorry for spamming you lol, but check out those post and articles. I can only try to help give you a reason why. GL GB BS!
 
Tabby 88

Tabby 88

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Oct 20, 2018
Messages
473
#17
Thank you, i have looked into this before but thank you for reminding me of the difference between guilt and shame. I think guilt is more how i feel, but that leaves some shame.

Thank you to the person who started this thread also.

:hug:
 
OddyUmi

OddyUmi

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 21, 2018
Messages
47
Location
South
#18
You're welcome Tabby88. Whomever needs to read those post points is more than welcome to. Hopefully those post points kinda helps someone. GL GB BS!
 
P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#19
Hi again

No, i wasn't abused before. Most likely because of the moral standards within my family. My mother is not overly religious, but I'd say it has alot to do with it.
 
P

patindaytona

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2010
Messages
12
#20
Hello

It looks like my reply didn't show up....but No, i wasn't abused before.