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Shame and guilt after psychosis Erotomania

M

Mali45

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Netherlands
I feel lost and a lot of shame and guilt around my psychotic episode.

I harmed another person and I made a fool out of myself. I met someone on an dating app and we exchanged numbers, we started talking about philosophy and I then got delusions of him being like a mirror to me and I shared that too, he shared that he didn’t understand it and I thought that wasn’t true and that he was doing it on purpose, we talked a bit longer because I kept asking about that philosophy and I got totally obsessed with him and that philosophy to impress him or that it was some kind of heavenly solution to myself and my problems. I was believing that he secretly knew everything about me and my life and that he was showing me solutions to this like some kind of god guiding me. At one point he started to block me and unblock me I think because I would text him again and he kept saying that I didn’t understand it and that he didn’t want to talk anymore because it costed too much energy. I got even more obsessed.

At one point he blocked me and didn’t unblock me anymore and it felt like I got in a crazy dark hole, I feel like it triggered huge abandonment trauma or something. I kept on texting him afterwards and it was as if he was god, or talking to god. I’d text him questions and even though no answer came from him, seconds/minutes later the answer came in my head, like communicating via texting him even though no answer came through in reality. I was very calm and zen but it then crashed down to a nightmare where I got really scared, I got paranoid that someone was coming into my house to harm me. I don’t even know how to describe it. In the meantime I also send messages to my friends of how awakened I was, I started reading this buddhist book and followed everything literally and the same with his philosophy.

I calling him a lot, went to his old place he mentioned during our talk to see if he was actually there for “answers” like and in the meantime I was still texting it was insane. I feel so much shame and guilt for the fact that I harassed someone. During the texts a lot of old pain came up and I shared a lot of personal things in those messages which I’m also feeling a lot of shame around. At the last part my family called the crisis management because they knew I was in a psychosis I didn’t get taken away but only since recently I can see how out of touch I was with reality I don’t know how to forgive myself and I’m just afraid of myself that I’m capable of doing something like that and being in a psychosis it makes me anxious.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
573
Location
Eastern Europe
You are on a road to recovery, educate yourself on the subject, understand what could trigger such episodes and avoid such things. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for mental health issues.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,993
Location
Nowhere
its a pretty common experience
sexual energy can often get confused with psychosis
as in the myth of Ophelia

people expect these things on dating apps
and it doesn't sound like much harm was done

you need to forgive yourself for your mistakes
 
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