
shaky
Well-known member
Hi folks,
I had a period in mental hospital last year when I was having a psychotic episode. I came out after 6 weeks and recovered enough to return to work while taking olanzapine (anti-psychotic) and citalopram (anti-depressant).
Eventually I was brought off the olanzapine and then in July my Citalopram was reduced to 10mg. After that I got a new joy back in my life and even started to laugh again, but since mid-August I have been feeling bad. I have been having delusional thoughts again, been cutting myself, been s-s-stammering again, and sometimes just feel depressed.
I'm really struggling to take my citalopram because I feel it takes all the joy out of life, yet there doesn't seem to be any joy. I also feel it's a plot to keep me boring as the real me is too weird and exciting for 'them'. This is probably a bit paranoid. Citalopram also gives me appaling hangovers from tiny amounts of alcohol. I can't bear to take it anymore. Why should I live in the flatland that it creates?
Anyway, yesterday I was in floods of tears on the way to work (I have to drive about an hour to get there), and I resolved to ring the doctor and get an appointment, but I'd forgotten my mobile for the first time in years, so I just continued to work and washed my face hoping the fact that I'd been crying wouldn't show.
Luckily, at the moment, work is pleasant. But when I leave and come back to a lonely house I start to feel despair again. I'm worried I might do something stupid. Yesterday I hurt so much I wanted to cut out my heart. I've taking to carrying a knife everywhere so I can get some pain/blood if I feel I need it. Can't stand living on my own anymore.
Mind you, I'm terribly lucky as I have a good job and a roof over my head and lots of friends (although not any I can really tell the whole truth to).
I just wonder if anyone else has this 'deadness' with citalopram that I can't stand anymore?
Thanks for listening
Shaky
I had a period in mental hospital last year when I was having a psychotic episode. I came out after 6 weeks and recovered enough to return to work while taking olanzapine (anti-psychotic) and citalopram (anti-depressant).
Eventually I was brought off the olanzapine and then in July my Citalopram was reduced to 10mg. After that I got a new joy back in my life and even started to laugh again, but since mid-August I have been feeling bad. I have been having delusional thoughts again, been cutting myself, been s-s-stammering again, and sometimes just feel depressed.
I'm really struggling to take my citalopram because I feel it takes all the joy out of life, yet there doesn't seem to be any joy. I also feel it's a plot to keep me boring as the real me is too weird and exciting for 'them'. This is probably a bit paranoid. Citalopram also gives me appaling hangovers from tiny amounts of alcohol. I can't bear to take it anymore. Why should I live in the flatland that it creates?
Anyway, yesterday I was in floods of tears on the way to work (I have to drive about an hour to get there), and I resolved to ring the doctor and get an appointment, but I'd forgotten my mobile for the first time in years, so I just continued to work and washed my face hoping the fact that I'd been crying wouldn't show.
Luckily, at the moment, work is pleasant. But when I leave and come back to a lonely house I start to feel despair again. I'm worried I might do something stupid. Yesterday I hurt so much I wanted to cut out my heart. I've taking to carrying a knife everywhere so I can get some pain/blood if I feel I need it. Can't stand living on my own anymore.

Mind you, I'm terribly lucky as I have a good job and a roof over my head and lots of friends (although not any I can really tell the whole truth to).
I just wonder if anyone else has this 'deadness' with citalopram that I can't stand anymore?
Thanks for listening
Shaky