• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Shadow

S

Shadow

Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
20
Hello everyone.

I'm twenty two years old, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

As a kid, I was the center of attention, the soul of the party - had so many friends and I enjoyed life. I was the cheeky kid, the kid that liked to push boundaries, give a grin and a bit of charm and be able to get out of anything, life was good... life was great.

Since as far back as I remember I had weight problem, no matter how much I ate, no matter how often I ate... weight would just not go on me. The drop in weight was subtle and lasted years... I can't remember why or how it happened but I gradually became weak and pale. Kids at school, they'd poke fun, laugh, joke and bully me for what I became... I grew to hate myself and detested the shell of what I was, what I am.

In 1998 my Nan was diagnosed with Dementia, it tore me apart... it hurt everyone, not just me... everyone. She was the only relative we had left, there was no one else... she used to live across the road, and my memories tie to that house still - everyday I wake up I look out of my window and see the house she used to live in. I was no more than 13 years old, visiting my Nan in a nursing home, watching her lose herself and not being able to help, do, or say anything - she didn't even recognize me or knew who I was. My Nan died in December 1999 and I have regrets, things I want to say to her, things I never thought important when I was that age.

In 2002 I went to College, I fell into darkness... I was bullied, at the age of 16 I was bullied. It was 4 long years, I spent it alone, no friends, no one to console in no one to chat to - I distanced myself from people, I skipped lectures, I ignored my education... I was afraid of people, I was afraid of crowds, of classes, of appearing late, of coming too early to lessons... I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of showing weakness. All of these thoughts dominated my life, took control of my thoughts and feelings. Rationality and logic was just thrown out of the window. Somehow, I managed to pass all my exams to get into University.

In 2004 My family fell apart, I was so used to my big family around me - the memories I hold, the people I love, and the friendships I had - I put too high a pedestal for my brothers and sisters and I expected them to stay around forever... but you know, life goes on and I found myself being left behind. I began to turn into a recluse, staying away from people as much as I could, I have no friends left or any that care or bother about me enough to call me, send me an email and man, have I tried... it made me feel so small and fueled my distrust for people.. proven so many times of how people can mistreat and take advantage.

In 2005 my Mum was in a car crash... she was lucky to be alive, she's suffering with her joints now, her nerves, her back and arms, arthritis is setting in... her hips, she's always ill... it upsets me too much inside, I feel so helpless as she gets worse every month.

Today, I'm just angry, sad, frustrated, empty, alone, tired, helpless - nothing I do makes any sense or have any purpose. I end up snapping at people, hurting people I don't mean to hurt, distancing myself from my own family, not eating, I feel like giving up, everyday I just sleep... sleep from 6am to 5pm, just to waste the hours of daylight and not having to face up to the fact that I have no life... time is what drives me.

I look back at old photographs and don't even recognize the kid that's in them... I often find members of my family in tears, discussing my behavior. I think I'm losing my empathy, I'm starting to feel cold... I'm eating less, sleeping more... I'm giving up, and it scares me.

Hm, I'm sorry, I'm feeling really down and thought it important to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I found this forum board in "Google." I don't know why I'm posting, I don't know if it'll change a thing, I don't know what I expect, I don't know who I'm talking to but I thank everyone who reads this... essay.

I'm here to talk to, if nothing more. Thank you.
 
Last edited:
Fedup

Fedup

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
1,937
Hello and :welcome: Shadow :)

You've been through a lot a such a young age :hug:.
Are you now on medication ?
Take one day at a time with very small step's .
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
hello shadow

:welcome:r u a man or woman? i think u will like this forum, do u sleep 24/7 i wish i could sleep more, i ve got a really horriable cold @ the moment, i 2 have depression, i'm 46, n i've kinda known it since age 8, i could never put on weight when i was younger n i used 2 eat n eat but i soon had a beer belly in my mid 20s. i loved my nan but little things tell me shes around n often i will go n light a candle in the cathederal, my aunty died when i was 12 from cancer n it broke my heart, i idolised her n she was only 24, best wishes jd:)
 
S

Shadow

Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
20
No, I have no medication. I was on 40mg Citalopram a year ago... I stopped taking them, Fedup.

I'm male, and sorry to read of your loss - I wasn't close to my Nan, so to speak... but she was my Nan and I never got to truely know her... I've learned to appreciate those close, I wish she was still here to see how we've all grown and achieved - to get to know her properly. I always think of her and what she would do or say, though would never personally say so. I'm not a religious person, though open-minded nevertheless. I hope you get better soon, jamesdean. I don't sleep 24/7 - just very strange hours through long habit I suppose.

Thank you for the kind words.
 
Last edited:
Fedup

Fedup

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
1,937
May i ask why you stopped your meds?

Would you reconsider going back to your gp & going back on them ?

There is no magic pill we all know that , but sometimes being on meds is a positive as they help & therefore " we " ourselves are more likely to help our selve's so to speak.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
r u awake all night?

4 many years i used 2 sleep from about 6am until about 1pm n b4 that even i used 2 b awake sometimes 24/7 with just the odd hour now thanks 2 the medication i sleep 8 hours @ night though still up @4am, though that took time 2 get in2 starting with just 3/4 hours n gradually i have 2 say its the 1 thing that makes me feel the nearest 2 whot i percieve as normal/COLOR]
 
A

Anne1971

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
136
Welcome to the forum, hope it helps you here. We are all here to listen :welcome:
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Hi and :welcome: to the forum shadow. Although just coming here and talking about how you are feeling is a positive step, I would echo Fedup and say that it sounds as though it would be a good idea to at least visit your GP and see what they have to say. I know that this can be daunting and it certainly doesn't always produce a wonderful result but it is a start.

In any event you will find lots of people who recognise and share the things you describe - I hope that some of what you read here helps and remember there is always someone to listen at least :).

Nick.
 
yakuza

yakuza

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
812
Location
Edinburgh
:welcome: to the forum Shadow.

I also lost my nanna in 99,have depression,anxiety disorder and struggled with losing weight in my teens.

I hope you find the forum very supportive (y)
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Like Fedup and Nick I'd say chat to your GP. Take your first posting printed out and show it if you can't bring yourself to talk. You're feeling isolated and alone at the moment but the first step has been taken. You're talking to us and we're just accepting you. I have some precious friends on here, people who make my life easier just by having them in it. I want that for you.
 
S

Shadow

Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
20
Gah, feel really embarresed now :unsure: I have bad episodes like this, very sorry.

The Citalopram didn't do alot for me and the headaches and light dizziness outweighed the good... I was told I was "weak minded" by certain people for taking them and I kind of went my own way and ignored the treatment, very wrong of me, though luckily, I had no severe side affects.

Thank you everybody, you've made me most welcome.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
that just reminded me!

god that was the kinda comments i always used 2 get people used 2 call them happy pills in the 80s n it frightened me from taking them seriously
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Don't feel embarrassed Shadow. This is the last place in the world that you need to feel embarrassed.
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Gosh, I feel for you! You're only a year older than me and you've been through so much!
I agree with everyone else, go back to your GP and get some help, I'm on citalopram at the moment (i have bipolar in a depressive episode until they can srt my meds out) and it used to give me headaches & my family kept calling them happy/crazy pills and that i should just "pull myself out of it" etc. It's just ignorance to the disorder - my family has a long history of mental illness and it gets ignored or swept under the carpet.

Have you tried counselling and/or AD's? A mixture might be able to help you :) :hug:

Lozzi:flowers:
 
Top