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Sh as a form of relief for Borderline Rage?

Pandora420

Pandora420

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Winnipeg, MB
I just posted a moment ago but had another thought, I hope posting like that is okay. I'm new here and have alot to get off my chest so I'll probably be very active for the next few days.

Anyways, my experience with BPD is mainly focused on my worst symptom: borderline rage. I can't control it, it controls me. And it's so frequent that it's disrupting my life. It always has. There isn't a time where I can recall not being angry at everything. My phone stops working for a moment? Rage. My bf doesn't ask me if I'm ok when I'm visibly upset? Rage. My friend doesn't check in on me for a few days? Rage. It's messed up. Unfortunately, over the years I've broken everything, from items and homes, to relationships and bonds. I've tried everything to stop myself when I feel the heat rising, and the only thing that ever works is ... And I know how terrible this is.... Hitting myself in the head. It's not a conscious thing, at least not until after the fact when I put thought into it, when it's going on in the moment it's like a reflex. But afterwards I realize the affect it has, which is stopping my rage in its tracks. It's not healthy and I wish I could stop, but right now it's the only thing stopping me from putting holes in my walls. Does anyone relate? Thoughts? Advice? ❤
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
136
Location
Suffolk, VA
Since my issue is very much like yours, I can relate. In fact, i've taken some of the very same actions you've described, particularly the infliction of pain on myself. sometimes, it's as you described and happens almost as a reflex. Others, it was an action taken because in the moment, it was the only thing that seemed to make any sense.

I felt that doing these things, whether they were intentionally done or not, acted like a release valve for how I was feeling. Sometimes, doing that ended up (in the moment) being something that stopped me from doing damage or harm elsewhere. I thought "Better my leg, or head, than taking a hammer to a monitor that didn't turn on the first time i pushed the power button", which can get really expensive after a bit.

I did end up getting a new monitor, so...there's that. <_<

I don't have a ton of advice about how to deal with those kinds of problems, because i've yet to master it myself. You mentioned you have a boyfriend, and perhaps it's worth sitting down and talking to him (in tandem with a MHP, i'd wager, would have the most effect) and see if there are de-escalation strategies that may help? My ex-wife could (sometimes) using calming words, or by putting her hand on my shoulder gently, to try and calm me down. However, such things require effort and understanding on their part, and won't be effective when the other person just gives up on you or stops putting out effort.
 
D

Deleted member 93850

Guest
I'm on the highest dose of mood stabilizers to help lower my rage. I have a punching bag and currently converting a section of my garage into a gym. Yes I can relate, I rage out in my neighborhood because people park in front of my house. I live in a cul de sac so it's just the few houses to deal with. I'm sure they all hate me but worth it to keep that spot empty 24/7.

Working out or staying ridiculously busy are 2 good options. I'll go to my car sometimes turn on the music and yell for a few minutes. Quarantine has been a bitch for me. It was like throwing a wrench into a gear box. I had a hiking routine in the mountains every weekend. But that went to shit.

When I was living without medications I was working out 3 hours a day and went through relationships quicker than shoes. When I'm out in public I'm able to blend in, make people laugh, and work on networking but when I get home I'm done and exhausted. Red alert.
 
EarthChild

EarthChild

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
163
Location
Cape Town South Africa
I have a rage problem too. I scare my husband when I scream and throw things. I apologise to him over and over but can't seem to get over the anger
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,404
Location
London, ON
that kind of anger is one of my major issues.

I think a big part of dealing with it is simply recognizing the issue. Not just that you have rage, but what the build up to it feels like. Like, is it really a sudden out of left field burst, or was it something simmering for days where one small thing exceeded your control, and BOOM.

Dealing with sudden bursts can be as "simple" as training yourself to know the feeling, and stepping back from the situation until the rage backs off. It's simple, but not easy - it takes practice for us to be able to use the "count to 10, breath" method that seems such a cliche.

If it's more often that you have a constant level of anger waiting to spill over, then I think the thing to do is to figure out the background source of the anger, and try to resolve it.

BPD is often due to truamas in childhood, like, the anger is over things that have stuck with you, that you've never resolved. Maybe you were beaten or abused as a child, maybe a teacher, or teachers, were always unfair... who knows? Once you know where it's coming from, you have the chance to figure out what it would take to make the anger go away, ie, help you let go of the reason for your anger.

I mean, for me, there's no point in hanging on to a trauma because my mom's game when my sister and I were toddlers was to pretend she didn't know who we were. I mean, I'm ld enough to understand how a bored 30 year stay at home mom might "tease" her kids for entertainment, and to understand that she didn't realize how that could affect us. People around me think it's a horrible story, to me, it's just kinda funny now.

It's really important to be able to tell if you are angry because of personal history, or because of the current situation. It can allow you to bleed of anger before you explode over a dirty spoon.

Also, seeing as you live in Canada (I lived in Winnipeg a few years, btw) - Rexulti. It's a new drug, so, a bit expensive. It's an anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer. My psychiatrist put me on it a few years ago, and it was like magic. For me, it's like the anger has been pushed back a ways, so I don't feel angry all the time, and I can head off outbursts before they happen. Usually.
 
Pandora420

Pandora420

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Winnipeg, MB
Since my issue is very much like yours, I can relate. In fact, i've taken some of the very same actions you've described, particularly the infliction of pain on myself. sometimes, it's as you described and happens almost as a reflex. Others, it was an action taken because in the moment, it was the only thing that seemed to make any sense.

I felt that doing these things, whether they were intentionally done or not, acted like a release valve for how I was feeling. Sometimes, doing that ended up (in the moment) being something that stopped me from doing damage or harm elsewhere. I thought "Better my leg, or head, than taking a hammer to a monitor that didn't turn on the first time i pushed the power button", which can get really expensive after a bit.

I did end up getting a new monitor, so...there's that. <_<

I don't have a ton of advice about how to deal with those kinds of problems, because i've yet to master it myself. You mentioned you have a boyfriend, and perhaps it's worth sitting down and talking to him (in tandem with a MHP, i'd wager, would have the most effect) and see if there are de-escalation strategies that may help? My ex-wife could (sometimes) using calming words, or by putting her hand on my shoulder gently, to try and calm me down. However, such things require effort and understanding on their part, and won't be effective when the other person just gives up on you or stops putting out effort.
I started to write this last night but was feeling extremely emotionally exhausted and had to stop and go to sleep.

I'm so sorry you also go through this, but I'm also glad to know I'm not alone.. makes me feel a little less crazy.

I know all about getting new monitors. In the past I've broken televisions, computers, countless remotes, etc. Electronics are my kryptonite. Sometimes I get really out of it and start screaming about how they're all out to get me and that there's something about ME specifically that makes them malfunction. My bf has actually mentioned that it's odd how often they fuck up for me and me alone. So maybe I'm not crazy lmao , as for him, my bf and I's relationship is unique.

Our story is pretty crazy, and I won't go into it but over the 4 years we've been together he's seen it all. He definitely doesn't love the rage, which is why I've been working on that the most, but he always understands where I'm coming from and the moment I'm calm enough to see the light he wraps his arms around me and brings me back to earth. We have very similar childhoods, both being bullied mercilessly with little relief at home. I've had so much guilt and shame built up inside from all the years as a youth being told I was bad or a lost cause, and since meeting him and having him in my life, I've been slowly shedding that hurt and pain one layer at a time. I don't like to go overboard with people I don't know when describing our relationship because I am constantly accused of being in an idolation stage (and soon to be in the devaluation stage) which I do not relate to or agree with, but if I can be truthful for a moment, sometimes I think feeling unconditional love like that is healing me of my BPD. It's a long road of course, and the rage is something I'll have to get therapy for because it stems from problems out of mine and his control, but everything else that BPD is for me, is slowly being peeled away and healed by him. Sorry for being corny. I'm just really lucky to have him and want to make it clear that I know that, deeply.

Anyway. Thanks for listening 😅❤
 
Pandora420

Pandora420

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Winnipeg, MB
that kind of anger is one of my major issues.

I think a big part of dealing with it is simply recognizing the issue. Not just that you have rage, but what the build up to it feels like. Like, is it really a sudden out of left field burst, or was it something simmering for days where one small thing exceeded your control, and BOOM.

Dealing with sudden bursts can be as "simple" as training yourself to know the feeling, and stepping back from the situation until the rage backs off. It's simple, but not easy - it takes practice for us to be able to use the "count to 10, breath" method that seems such a cliche.

If it's more often that you have a constant level of anger waiting to spill over, then I think the thing to do is to figure out the background source of the anger, and try to resolve it.

BPD is often due to truamas in childhood, like, the anger is over things that have stuck with you, that you've never resolved. Maybe you were beaten or abused as a child, maybe a teacher, or teachers, were always unfair... who knows? Once you know where it's coming from, you have the chance to figure out what it would take to make the anger go away, ie, help you let go of the reason for your anger.

I mean, for me, there's no point in hanging on to a trauma because my mom's game when my sister and I were toddlers was to pretend she didn't know who we were. I mean, I'm ld enough to understand how a bored 30 year stay at home mom might "tease" her kids for entertainment, and to understand that she didn't realize how that could affect us. People around me think it's a horrible story, to me, it's just kinda funny now.

It's really important to be able to tell if you are angry because of personal history, or because of the current situation. It can allow you to bleed of anger before you explode over a dirty spoon.

Also, seeing as you live in Canada (I lived in Winnipeg a few years, btw) - Rexulti. It's a new drug, so, a bit expensive. It's an anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer. My psychiatrist put me on it a few years ago, and it was like magic. For me, it's like the anger has been pushed back a ways, so I don't feel angry all the time, and I can head off outbursts before they happen. Usually.
It's interesting that you mention that because I've quite recently had an experience where I was able to recognize, for I think maybe the very first time, where my rage was coming from and understanding the reason that hurt little girl inside of me was screaming. I got into a bit of a mood before my bf and I were supposed to go for dinner and I basically sabotaged the entire thing, causing him to get frustrated and leave for a bit while I calmed down. Well, I didn't calm down, needless to say. I sat there and screamed. I couldn't figure out why, why did I ruin our plans? If I didn't want to go 5 seconds ago why am I losing my mind right now over the possibility of not going? And I had a memory. My mother used to put me to bed without dinner as a punishment. It was something that truly damaged me, I realize now. It messed with my relationship with food, it gave me tons of horrible feelings... And most of all it made me feel abandoned. So when bf left without me and I thought I wasn't getting dinner I turned back into that little girl who thought she wasn't gonna eat that night. It was very jarring but also quite astonishing to have a revelation like that when normally, I'm just as confused as a stranger on the street would be as to why the hell I'm screaming. Thank you for letting me share that ❤ and also thank you for the drug recommendation. I'll definitely ask my psych about that!
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
136
Location
Suffolk, VA
I started to write this last night but was feeling extremely emotionally exhausted and had to stop and go to sleep.

I'm so sorry you also go through this, but I'm also glad to know I'm not alone.. makes me feel a little less crazy.

I know all about getting new monitors. In the past I've broken televisions, computers, countless remotes, etc. Electronics are my kryptonite. Sometimes I get really out of it and start screaming about how they're all out to get me and that there's something about ME specifically that makes them malfunction. My bf has actually mentioned that it's odd how often they fuck up for me and me alone. So maybe I'm not crazy lmao , as for him, my bf and I's relationship is unique.

Our story is pretty crazy, and I won't go into it but over the 4 years we've been together he's seen it all. He definitely doesn't love the rage, which is why I've been working on that the most, but he always understands where I'm coming from and the moment I'm calm enough to see the light he wraps his arms around me and brings me back to earth. We have very similar childhoods, both being bullied mercilessly with little relief at home. I've had so much guilt and shame built up inside from all the years as a youth being told I was bad or a lost cause, and since meeting him and having him in my life, I've been slowly shedding that hurt and pain one layer at a time. I don't like to go overboard with people I don't know when describing our relationship because I am constantly accused of being in an idolation stage (and soon to be in the devaluation stage) which I do not relate to or agree with, but if I can be truthful for a moment, sometimes I think feeling unconditional love like that is healing me of my BPD. It's a long road of course, and the rage is something I'll have to get therapy for because it stems from problems out of mine and his control, but everything else that BPD is for me, is slowly being peeled away and healed by him. Sorry for being corny. I'm just really lucky to have him and want to make it clear that I know that, deeply.

Anyway. Thanks for listening 😅❤
First, I appreciate the reply and your comments. I certainly wouldn't want people to rush on my account, and I'm glad you were able to rest.

For me, things that trigger me are when things go wrong that normally would work. Being on the computer, shutting it off, and the coming back hours later only to find it doesn't work or makes noises (like the fan not coming on properly) seem to create anger. At this point, the only reason i haven't chucked my PS4 out the window is because i just can't afford to replace it at present, and that seems to keep me in check. LOL

Otherwise, I'm glad you have someone who understand and can help you keep things balanced. I think that's an important component for you, and it's benefit and efficacy shouldn't be underestimated. I think if more people had solid support systems, things might be a little more tolerable.

Glad I had the chance to listen. Anytime.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,404
Location
London, ON
I think it's a great step that you had that little revelation, it was a big step for me the first few times I was able to realize I Was angry because of a background event, not what I thought set me off.

It made me realize just how much unresolved anger still influences my reactions.

Don't get me wrong, it takes some work to start to unravel that anger and learn to control it, but you've started to understand things.

I like to say there is reasonable anger to a situation, and unreasonable anger. Unreasonable anger is the one we need to learn to cope with better.

I'm glad I was able to help.
 
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