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Sexually Intrusive Thoughts OCD

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mynameisluna

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
31
Location
Philippines
I'm back again after many months since I had a relapse. I long accepted sexually intrusive thoughts about children, family members, and other people that I know. These thoughts no longer bother me that much. But ever since quarantine, it came back to its full force. I am a sexually active 19-year-old girl and it's common to masturbate to release pent up frustration or if I'm just bored. I usually have these sexual intrusive thoughts while doing so but I dismiss it easily because I know that I am not sexually attracted to children.

However one day, while I was reading a fiction that contained explicit content in order for me to masturbate to, my 10-year-old cousin had someone over in the apartment. It was also a young girl who was apparently her classmate. I didn't mind the noises that they were making while they're as long as they didn't disturb me. However, I kind of overheard the girl roleplaying as a student and was trying to make her voice "seductive". She was drawing out her words and kind of like "moaning." In the midst of reading my novel, I panicked. Because I was thinking, what if I accidentally masturbate to her "voice" and not what I'm reading? I disregarded the thought and continued on with my reading. She eventually stopped roleplaying with my cousin and I carried on taking care of my business. When I finished, I was scared to death that what if I masturbated to that and not because of what I'm reading? I tried to act normal, masturbating to what I was reading, but the nagging thought is that what if its her voice? I know it's impossible, but my mind keeps convincing me that I am a perverted.

I honestly want to kill myself for this. I didn't have these sexual intrusive thoughts back then, and I just want to know where they came from. It makes me feel like I'm such a bad person. And it makes me label things as "malicious" even though its something completely innocent, like the young girl who was only roleplaying. I honestly wish that I didn't continue masturbating to what I was reading that time, because my mind is now telling me I masturbated to a child, even if I was trying my hardest to concentrate on what I was reading. Im so scared, I could never harm children even if I'm not fond of them. It makes me want to puke.

(I do not want to post this initially in the fear of getting judge, but I need to let it out and hear other people's thoughts on this)
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
1,520
Location
Planet Mercury
My mind convinces me and everyone that I'm a failure. It's the same premise.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,192
Location
North Carolina
I'm back again after many months since I had a relapse. I long accepted sexually intrusive thoughts about children, family members, and other people that I know. These thoughts no longer bother me that much. But ever since quarantine, it came back to its full force. I am a sexually active 19-year-old girl and it's common to masturbate to release pent up frustration or if I'm just bored. I usually have these sexual intrusive thoughts while doing so but I dismiss it easily because I know that I am not sexually attracted to children.

However one day, while I was reading a fiction that contained explicit content in order for me to masturbate to, my 10-year-old cousin had someone over in the apartment. It was also a young girl who was apparently her classmate. I didn't mind the noises that they were making while they're as long as they didn't disturb me. However, I kind of overheard the girl roleplaying as a student and was trying to make her voice "seductive". She was drawing out her words and kind of like "moaning." In the midst of reading my novel, I panicked. Because I was thinking, what if I accidentally masturbate to her "voice" and not what I'm reading? I disregarded the thought and continued on with my reading. She eventually stopped roleplaying with my cousin and I carried on taking care of my business. When I finished, I was scared to death that what if I masturbated to that and not because of what I'm reading? I tried to act normal, masturbating to what I was reading, but the nagging thought is that what if its her voice? I know it's impossible, but my mind keeps convincing me that I am a perverted.

I honestly want to kill myself for this. I didn't have these sexual intrusive thoughts back then, and I just want to know where they came from. It makes me feel like I'm such a bad person. And it makes me label things as "malicious" even though its something completely innocent, like the young girl who was only roleplaying. I honestly wish that I didn't continue masturbating to what I was reading that time, because my mind is now telling me I masturbated to a child, even if I was trying my hardest to concentrate on what I was reading. Im so scared, I could never harm children even if I'm not fond of them. It makes me want to puke.

(I do not want to post this initially in the fear of getting judge, but I need to let it out and hear other people's thoughts on this)
Just the mere fact that you're so disgusted at the thought proves you werent and are not that kind of person. And even if you have sexually intrusive thoughts that disturb you during masturbation. Thoughts are not actions. You know you're not a person who would ever do those kinds of things. So take it easy on yourself. Realize we all have flaws. Their is nothing wrong with you
:grouphug:
 
M

mynameisluna

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
31
Location
Philippines
Just the mere fact that you're so disgusted at the thought proves you werent and are not that kind of person. And even if you have sexually intrusive thoughts that disturb you during masturbation. Thoughts are not actions. You know you're not a person who would ever do those kinds of things. So take it easy on yourself. Realize we all have flaws. Their is nothing wrong with you
:grouphug:
thank you for believing my confession. i find it hard to believe my own self as my mind keeps on convincing me that I am a disgusting person even though deep down I am aware that I could never do such horrible actions 😔 Theres always a "what if", like "what if Im this kind of person" or "what if I dont realize that im sexually attracted to children". I try to convince myself that I am not by doing the normal things that I usually do and interacting with kids. Sometimes its effective, sometimes it just triggers my anxiety even further 😔
 
I

Idontliketomatoes

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
19
Location
California
I totally relate to your situation. I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and myself because of how afraid I am of those gross thoughts coming into my head. It’s super scary and it feels like you’re a disgusting person but you’re just overthinking everything. I’d suggest maybe taking a break from sexual stuff until you feel like those thoughts are settling down at least, because it’ll only make you freak out more and feel more guilty even though you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this it honestly sucks, my OCD was really bad two years ago but I got better, then it came back during quarantine. If you ever need to talk I’m here :)
 
I

im_broken

Active member
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Not here nor there
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're feeling, the disgust and shame that comes with these types of thoughts is debilitating. I personally dont think about children but i am constantly obsessing about my past sexual abuse as a child and thinking that i may be a predator because as a child my sister and i were abused together by a lady and then i in turn abused my younger sister... i know i was a child and a victim as well but it gets really hard to cope with especially during quarantine.
 
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mynameisluna

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
31
Location
Philippines
I totally relate to your situation. I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and myself because of how afraid I am of those gross thoughts coming into my head. It’s super scary and it feels like you’re a disgusting person but you’re just overthinking everything. I’d suggest maybe taking a break from sexual stuff until you feel like those thoughts are settling down at least, because it’ll only make you freak out more and feel more guilty even though you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this it honestly sucks, my OCD was really bad two years ago but I got better, then it came back during quarantine. If you ever need to talk I’m here :)
thank you so much for this. if you dont mind we can be friends and talk about this :) im trying to stay away from anything sexual as possible but i also want to expose myself to sexual things so i could feel normal again. I dont want my mind to control me and i dont want to stop behaving the way I am before just because my mind tells me so.
 
M

mynameisluna

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
31
Location
Philippines
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're feeling, the disgust and shame that comes with these types of thoughts is debilitating. I personally dont think about children but i am constantly obsessing about my past sexual abuse as a child and thinking that i may be a predator because as a child my sister and i were abused together by a lady and then i in turn abused my younger sister... i know i was a child and a victim as well but it gets really hard to cope with especially during quarantine.
I am very sorry to hear that. Just know that you can also talk to me especially since quarantine forces us to be alone and away from our usual activities, we tend to overthink our past.
 
B

blacksmith

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2020
Messages
6
Location
montreal canada
ocd makes us distort reality . and makes us feel extremely guilty . you are not alone. its a terrible disease. people dont understand it. you feel weak because you let your toughts control you but again it is not your fault. i have been battling with this problem for 23 years... so much pain.... .. you are not alone. we are millions with ocd
 
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