Sexual Trauma from the Internet - Is this sexual abuse? *TW*

C

Cats26

New member
Joined
Nov 21, 2018
Messages
1
#1
I'd like to start this off by giving a trigger warning, as I am going to be going into detail about sexual trauma that happened to me as a child and I do not want to intentionally upset anyone. I'm going to try not to make it too explicit, but a certain degree of detail is necessary to fully explain what happened to me, and I also apologise if this ends up being long and all over the place.

I am 18 years old. I started going on the Internet when I was only 5 (to play children's games) because neither of my parents really wanted to pay much attention to me so they would just put me at the computer. I was a lonely kid and didn't really have friends at school, so I started talking to adults in online chat rooms when I was about 7, and there's really only one reason why an adult would talk to a child online. They would tell me sexual things, ask me sexual questions, tell me to take my clothes off and touch myself, and one of them taught me how to have 'cybersex' (if you don't know what that is, it's basically online sexual roleplay). I was sent a link to porn when I was 8 years old, and asked if I enjoyed it. All of these adults knew how young I was. It eventually got to the point where I would seek out adults online to have sexual conversations with, I watched a lot of porn, and I started masturbating, because I didn't know anything about these things except for what I was told by these people I was talking to. I trusted them and thought of them as my friends because they were the only adults giving me attention, and I didn't know that what was happening was wrong at the time. My parents didn't know about any of it, as I was almost always unsupervised. I was asked a few times by adults to send them pictures of myself naked, and they would send me explicit photos of themselves. I never did it, until I was 9 and I made the decision to take sexual pictures and a video of myself and post them online. I instantly regretted posting them, but couldn't figure out how to delete them so I left it. A month or two later I woke up early one morning to see several police officers in my house because the things I posted online where reported for child pornography. My experience with the police was horrible. They questioned me for hours and would come to my school and take me out of class in front of all of the other kids, and they made me feel as if what happened to me was entirely my fault.

I 100% feel like what happened was entirely my fault and I hate myself for it. I wasn't forced to do anything, I was stupid and did all of this myself. I feel like what happened to me isn't even that serious because tons of children are molested and raped, and I was never actually touched. But what I did has taken a tremendous toll on my life. I believe that my depression and eating disorder are byproducts of my trauma. I feel incredibly guilty every time I watch porn, masturbate, or do anything sexual. I always feel ashamed and disgusting afterwards. I hate my body and the things I have done with it.

I've kept this all a secret from everyone (except for my family members who were involved in the case) because I was terrified of people finding out and judging me for it. I finally told my best friend about it a few days ago, and I was terrified of her reaction, but it was so much better than I expected. She insisted that what happened was not my fault and that I was taken advantage of and sexually abused. Her reaction is what encouraged me to write about this now. I feel very wrong describing what happened to me as sexual abuse, and I prefer the term sexual trauma, but I have been reading a lot online and apparently what happened to me does fit the definition of sexual abuse. But I just can't convince myself that that is right, because I wasn't raped or anything. It was all online. So my question is, is what happened to me sexual abuse? Can sexual abuse take place online? Was it my fault or was I taken advantage of? Is my suffering valid or am I overreacting?

This is my biggest regret in life and I hate myself everyday for it. It has ruined me. I am disgusting. My body is disgusting. Sometimes I wonder how many people saw the things I posted, and if anyone saved them or masturbated to them. The thought of people doing that makes me anxious and sick. I wonder if they still exist out there somewhere. Probably. They always will. I'm sorry that this is so long and pointless, I just feel the urge to get this out there. I hope that what I wrote isn't too explicit.
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
811
#2
Hi cats
Im so sorry that you experienced that
It's not your fault and your not stupid.
They have rape and sexual abuse centres in the UK they might be able to offer some councelling to help you cope?
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
974
Location
Hell
#3
It isn't and never was your fault, you were groomed by these disgusting people, they shouldn't have put the idea in a young child's head in the first place

Sexual abuse definitely happens online and you are a victim of that, it isn't limited to being forced or told in real life and you still being affected from it now is understandable

You should definitely open up and seek a therapist about all this, in no way you should feel ashamed