- Mar 25, 2020
- United States
I know that from around the ages 4-5, I, along with my sister 2 years older than me, were molested by out neighbor. I don’t it remember it being rape but I have very clear details of it happening. I tried to “confront” my sister about it when I was 12 but she got very angry. Which is proof enough for me that it happened. I am terrified of hurting children. I’ve been that way since I could remember. I have intrusive and nasty thoughts about them that happen only when I’m around them. I think it’s anxiety as I’ve never acted on those thoughts. Nor do I have the desire to. I have had depression ever since 5 I believe. It finally blew up into schizophrenia and depression of which I was rediagnosed as bipolar 1. I have a lot of cognitive difficulties stemming from the depression. Honestly, though I know people shouldn’t say they just want to move on and not tackle their issues but I’ve known I was molested for a very long time. The depression pretty much numbed me out but now that I’m on the right medications, I’m starting to be happy again. My cognitive abilities are coming back but, as of yesterday I was obsessing over what happened to me so much so that the little emotional stability or happiness I felt just dwindled. (I used to be very bright but I know that because of what happened, my brain as a way to protect me, broke into pieces.) I just want to move on. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I didn’t deserve it. I know that if my older self could have gone back and stopped it, I would have most likely killed that man. How can I move on. I only see my therapist twice a month and with the Coronavirus, I’m not sure when I’ll see her. I keep having the same drowning dream that I thought went away. Any advice would really help.