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Sexual assault is preventing me from being happy

C

Catsniwow

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
14
Location
United States
I know that from around the ages 4-5, I, along with my sister 2 years older than me, were molested by out neighbor. I don’t it remember it being rape but I have very clear details of it happening. I tried to “confront” my sister about it when I was 12 but she got very angry. Which is proof enough for me that it happened. I am terrified of hurting children. I’ve been that way since I could remember. I have intrusive and nasty thoughts about them that happen only when I’m around them. I think it’s anxiety as I’ve never acted on those thoughts. Nor do I have the desire to. I have had depression ever since 5 I believe. It finally blew up into schizophrenia and depression of which I was rediagnosed as bipolar 1. I have a lot of cognitive difficulties stemming from the depression. Honestly, though I know people shouldn’t say they just want to move on and not tackle their issues but I’ve known I was molested for a very long time. The depression pretty much numbed me out but now that I’m on the right medications, I’m starting to be happy again. My cognitive abilities are coming back but, as of yesterday I was obsessing over what happened to me so much so that the little emotional stability or happiness I felt just dwindled. (I used to be very bright but I know that because of what happened, my brain as a way to protect me, broke into pieces.) I just want to move on. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know I didn’t deserve it. I know that if my older self could have gone back and stopped it, I would have most likely killed that man. How can I move on. I only see my therapist twice a month and with the Coronavirus, I’m not sure when I’ll see her. I keep having the same drowning dream that I thought went away. Any advice would really help.
 
S

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
4,185
Location
The couch
Hi there. I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm surprised you haven't been diagnosed with PTSD(or cPTSD) since it does sound like you may have symptoms of it.

Have you worked through and processed your trauma?
 
C

Catsniwow

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
14
Location
United States
Hi there. I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm surprised you haven't been diagnosed with PTSD(or cPTSD) since it does sound like you may have symptoms of it.

Have you worked through and processed your trauma?
My mind is finally allowing me to do that now. I will look up cPTSD because I’m not familiar. I’m in a better place in my life where I feel safe and happy. My therapist told me that this is when my mind will start processing everything. I’m scared but happy to be moving forward.
 
I

im_broken

Active member
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
39
Location
Not here nor there
Wow this is similar to what happened to me and my sisters, i also haven't been diagnosed with ptsd but i have all the symptoms also symptoms of pocd its terrible. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.
 
Stephen Geog

Stephen Geog

Active member
Joined
Sep 10, 2017
Messages
25
Location
Manchester UK
I too was abused as a child over about 10 years, physically, mentally, sexual, I am now 52 yrs old, and have suffered a long time, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares, nauseous, I have never been diagnosed with anything other than low moods, the doctors over the years I have talked to a bit about myself don't have a clue what I go through, I feel even now that my head is so twisted it going to fall off, I have tried talking to a psychologist about 10 years ago, but it just made me feel worse, I tend to bottle every thing up, I constantly worry about the smallest thing, I have no fingernails,bit down to nothing, if I could get diagnosed and get some proper medication for myself, as I am now getting old, and more depressed over a lifetime of feeling this way, I just don't know how to go about it, I am really sick of it now, I really need help, its Xmas day and I'm here on my own feeling crap, my abuser is a long time 25 years dead, but he left me a wreck, pervert, I hate being like this, and if anyone can tell me what I can do to change anything I would be so glad, happy Xmas, thank you.
 
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