Sexual abuse and depression

[Permanent Midnight]

Hi everyone,

I have been diagnosed with depression 2 years ago (this is my second diagnosed episode - although I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since childhood).

I have read and heard that sexual abuse victims can often suffer from depression throughtout their lives... My question is regarding repressed memories of sexual abuse at an early age.

I have always experienced problems with each partner that I have had in my life. Sometimes, out of the blue, I cannot stand being touched by my partner when he intiates sex. I try to think of something else hoping that this feeling will go away but nothing works. I still feel sick to my stomach and have to ask him to stop.This does not happen often, but it is reccurent. I've struggle all my life with low self-esteem, self-hatred, self-injury, hating how my body looks and sleeping with men early in the relationship hoping that they will "love me more"...

I do have "flashbacks", memories of the basement of my babysitter's house when I was really young. No details come to mind except that it was dark down there and feeling scared and unconfortable. I also have a vague memory of my babysitter's husband who was also in the house. I sometimes think I am loosing my mind. I have absolutely no proof or clear memory that anything ever happened to me. But I keep wondering if maybe something did. What should I do? Is it possible to not remember? If so, is there a way to remember sexual abuse that might of happened at a very young age?

If anyone would like to share their experiences regarding repressed memories of abuse, it would be greatly appreciated. I would like to find out if something did happen to me in order to fix it. I am tired of being depressed and wanting to die. I also feel really bad for my boyfriend because he's the nicest guy in the world and this affects him too.

Thank you!

 

[Apotheosis]

I do have "flashbacks", memories of the basement of my babysitter's house when I was really young. No details come to mind except that it was dark down there and feeling scared and unconfortable. I also have a vague memory of my babysitter's husband who was also in the house. I sometimes think I am loosing my mind. I have absolutely no proof or clear memory that anything ever happened to me.

I believe that I was seriously sexually abused the first time I was under section. I do have some frightening & clear memories which don't add up except in the context of abuse. I won't go into details here. Most of the four months on the section is missing from my memory. There are only very limited memories & about 7 moments or small windows of time which I can remember from that period. I was given allot of drugs during that admission. Injections, largactil & handfuls of stuff. Some 4 years after that admission - a national paper ran a front page & series of reports on systematic abuse & widespread sexual abuse of patients; which was focused on the ward I was on & the time I was there fell in the middle of the period the abuse took place.

When I speak to people about it; mainly they don't believe me, & no one wants to talk about it. I try to just forget about it.

 

[slow jo]

Hi i supressed memories of sexual abuse for over 20 years,
It was at my dad's funeral when I saw my abuser for the first time in at last 15yrs that the memories came flooding back. I have since had severe major depression which seems to be tratment resisant. I have tried therapy but this only made things worse for me. No-one knew not my family or my husband until I tried to take my own life, that was 3yrs ago. My abuser has since been sentanced to prison (not really my wish but felt pushed into pressing charges) where he died 6 months later. I now feel so much guilt that 1, he was sent to prison and 2, thats where he spent his last days.
Know one can or should tell you what to do or feel you have to do whats right for you. good luck and I am thinking of you.

 

[Ashami]

Hi PM and

Until recent years I too repressed memories of two sexual abuse events, one at the age of 4 and another at 6. I had completed supressed the first memory but the second remained in the back of my mind in a very vague sort of way. I was never sure if it was a dream, warped imagination or real.

I did 'find out' what I believe to be the truth. If you are interested to know how please pm me.

 

[Dollit]

I think it's wise to be careful of childhood memories seen with an adult mind. Memories can be very deceptive and not all memories such as the one you describe are linked to sexual abuse.