Sex

[lal10]

Hi guys

I'm going to be frank here so I hope I don't offend anyone, you were warned!

Ok so like many of us i'm sure my sex life is not the best. I don't like myself so don't feel like it a lot of the time and feel guilty about my poor OH. But sometimes, and I really can't work out any sort of pattern, irrespective of how I'm feeling I'll have periods where I'm up for it. I've not been feeling great recently but for some reason I've felt more like a bit of fun between the sheets, as I said I can't see a pattern, it seems odd to feel down and horny but that's just how it is! It makes me feel closer to my OH as for weeks or months it can seem like we have no connection then my er...lady garden (lol!) gets a sudden burst of energy and I feel better about our relationship and close to him again. We did the deed twice on Sunday, then attempted it on Monday night but he got some sort of random muscle spasm in his neck which put a stop to it mid thrust and caused him to have a headache for the night and the rest of the next day. I felt like a bit last night but he didn't seem bothered then I wake up this morning to find he had been pleasuring himself while I had a lie in, I saw the browsing history and he hadn't done a great clean up job (sorry!). I know he uses internet porn, i'm not a prude and after many years of being the lone woman at work I know it's just what men do and I can't blame him when I'm off the boil for a while, but I find it hard to come to terms with when he doesn't even try to get with me, especially when I am up for it, then uses porn? I've been having dreams about him cheating on me for a while, during these dreams he is horrible to me too, I am not paranoid about him cheating at all as I know he is not so don't worry about it consciously. The dreams started before my current horny state so I can't put them down to the rejection and porn usage either. He says he still loves me and still fancies me but his behaviour says something different. I feel confused and rejected

 

[Buddha]

Sex Matters

Pleasure and pain are inseparable. Most of us know this from experience.

Sexual fantasies and pleasures go hand in hand with sexual disinterest and frustrations.

Yet, we keep trying to derive our sense of identity, self esteem, and some meaning out of sex.

There is no meaning in sex. It is a habit. Not much different from addiction. We are drawn to it, because it fills some hole in us. Only that it fills the hole very temporarily and never fully. Like an addict, we keep returning to it. And worse still, we build relationships on the basis of sex – and sexual fidelity...

Just see the point of it all. As long as you identify yourself with the body, you are in trouble – subject to whims of the body and a slave to them. The only peace is when your identity rests in its Right Place.

‘Sex Matters’ by Osho and ‘Enlightened Sex’ by David Deida discuss Sex in greater detail.

 

[lal10]

Thanks Buddha

As a new pupil to Buddhism I am becoming aware of the pitfalls of linking the identity of self to the body, something that I have always known has caused suffering to me and many but until now have not had the awareness that I have the tools to correct his self destructive way of thinking.

I would be interested if you have any comments on how to nurture a relationship in which one partner is a 'western thinker' and the other an 'eastern convert' for want of a better phrase? It is not that the western partner is closed to elements of Buddhism but is stands that some indoctrinated habits of the west may be staunchly followed by them. It is, I am aware, a challenge on my road to inner peace, to live closely with someone that may hinder my path in most cases unbeknownst to them. I do not see sex as integral to my being but how do I live harmoniously with one who does? I am aware that I should not feel less of a person for not giving in to bodily desires, quite the opposite, but my well learnt anxiety has still not been balanced by my new path to peace, I am a work in progress, as are we all, and would appreciate any thoughts on this subject.

 

[Buddha]

Other = You

You can nurture a relationship that is outside of you in whatever way. But will it bring you lasting peace, joy or happiness? No. Even mothers who nurture their children within their bodies, and through lives – seldom find lasting peace, or happiness through that nurturing.

The very idea of nurturing a relationship implies that you and the person who you are nurturing a relationship with are two separate people. Relationships between two people can only have its basis in the mind or ego.

The only relationship worth nurturing is your relationship to You. And that is more of recognition than nurturing – and then abiding in that recognition. Once you recognize your heritage – you will have no fear of speaking the truth.

Neither will you be afraid to embrace, or/and let go; the others – as you.

The Other IS You.

You do not treat the others like you treat yourself or better than you treat yourself. You recognize that Other IS You. In other words: there is no other. It is all YOU.

Treating others like you treat yourself, better or worse – can be martyrdom, sacrifice and often painful. Knowing others AS You – is freedom.

Remember: Treat your neighbour AS yourself. In other words; treat Others As You.

Relationships are challenging. Perhaps our biggest challenges on the road to inner peace, as you say. See what the challenge is. It is selfishness. We seek personal inner peace. In that pursuit, others appear to us as useful or hindrances. That is selfishness.

Inner peace shows us that there is no person who is at peace. We can not be at peace alone while the world goes to hell. That is a peaceful mental state. Always transient.

True Peace is recognition of the Abode within – which is also present without. Like Buddha said on his awakening: ‘I, and all sentient beings together attain enlightenment.’ Your peace is not something that you hold, seek or take possession of – it is what you, your friends and your enemies are all made up of.

True, the path is personal to begin with. But it can not stay personal. The goal of the path – which is the path itself – is dropping off of the personal. Personal will, personal agenda and all personal stuff. Peace is discovered when the person dies. Not the body, but the person. Only then, the body and mind can truly live in peace.

What to do with your partner? Speak to him – as you speak to yourself. Truth will set you (and him) free.