Severing ties with bad friends

[Catharsis]

I posted something before but I'm gonna ask something in a different way now...

I have been considering, for a while, breaking contact/severing ties with some friends who have let me down over the years.

This includes my best friend of 19 years, another friend I have known for about 14 years, and three more friends I have known for under 10 years.

The bottom line is that my best friend has continually let me down since we were very young, and I always forgave/still forgive him and he takes nothing from this. He keeps pushing boundaries and I'm feeling foolish for allowing this cycle to continue when the only thing he takes from it is what he can get away with. His behaviour is bound to only get worse despite many talks over the years addressing our issues with each other.

It's pretty much the same thing for all my friends, I make excuses for them and continue being there for them even though when it comes to me, no one is around when I need them the most.

I have given much thought to this for many months. I think the best thing to do is have conversations with each of these people individually, tell them that they've let me down and that I have nothing left to give. I have no interest in fighting, I just don't want to continue on this path of always giving other people the time of day and when it comes to myself, putting on a happy face and being this enabler that I have become.

I know it may make me look like a pompous asshole calling them one day out of the blue and pretty much telling them they're all bad friends, but I need to cut these ties because all these friendships are doing are poisoning me. I also need to think of myself more. Besides, there's a little thing called tact which I'm well aware of and will use.

Any thoughts welcome.

 

[jamesdean]

Yes you should stick with your heart and if this how you feel then act on those feelings perhaps e mail would be easier,I had two friendships for a lot of years but yes they had to be broken the one really was doing my head in.

 

[Catharsis]

Duality is something I struggle with as I want to effect positive change in my life and become more direct with people. I think looking them in the eyes and saying 'no' to our friendships is the best way, for me anyway.

That way, they can't say I was a coward about it. Sending emails about it would be too impersonal for my tastes and could even make things a lot worse - possibly encouraging very bitter reactions. I don't want this to become a game of cheap shots because I always take and never give those.

 

[Neferakhet]

By the sound of things,you have made a sound decision.I'd suggest sticking to it.Also don't forget that you may get to know some new people,and again there is a chance that among those new people there may be some who will care more about you when you need them most.And then again you may not and be alone.Life is full of ridicilious variables as we know it.

Lately I have severed my ties with couple of friends all from the same society.And then I met some new people,when compared them to those I cut all the ties with..I was surprised that how those new people resembled human beings which the previous ones couldn't even come close to.So don't forget that you may meet some decent human beings as well.(don't get me wrong I'm not talking about your friends who you severed your ties with,just pointing out that you may encounter better people)

 

[Catharsis]

No offense taken, I'm glad no one's said yet that I come across as some self important dickweed. I appreciate what you're saying, actually. There is a fine line I'll be walking between when having these conversations, admittedly. Don't want to say the wrong things. They need to know I'm just broken, and the time is now - last week, even - just not sure who to inform first [my oldest friend maybe].

I was considering leaving the door open for my best friend as I'll never make another friend like this but I'm almost certain I'd be shooting myself in the foot by doing that. Can't be thinking about other people's feelings in all this, I've thought about them enough - too much, in fact.

 

[Neferakhet]

Also again I think this is a good way to at least see their reactions and learn what they truly felt or thought about you.Usually at cases of severing ties,if one knows that the relationship will not continue,there is a high possibility that they will reveal their true ideas and feelings towards the person leaving/cutting their ties with them.

If they really cared about you for long years.They will at least attempt to try to reason with you,maybe some of them will apologize for not noticing how you felt.Maybe some will try to persuade you against your decision.All three being positive signs of course.

If they don't try to do that at all,or if you sense some insincerity in the way they tell you this than you can be 100 sure that you've made the right decision.

 

[Catharsis]

Thank you for your thoughts, I am appreciative of your highlighting possible reactions, positives included.

It has also to do with not being thrilled about the people they have become so it isn't all about me, forgot to mention that earlier. At least I can rest easy and know it's not an entirely self minded thing. They just...people are fucking hypocrites.

I'm sick of fake people with their posturing and their lies. They'll lie even to themselves if they think no one will know the difference between their version of the truth and the truth as it really is. I allowed it to happen in a way but I need to wash my hands of it.

 

[Neferakhet]

I understand you.Unfortunately hyprocrisy is a big issue both society wise and for individuals and in its essence it is truly disgusting.People usually tend to point out the fingers towards someone else,forgetting while one of those fingers(index finger) points toward the person,the remaining four fingers points towards the one who is blaming the scapegoat.

So it's easy to put the blame on someone else rather than to be honest with one's self.I believe you will be more easy and peaceful without index fingers being pointed at you.

 

[Catharsis]

Unfortunately my ex is also causing me heartache. She insists on severing contact because she thinks we're only gonna do each other damage - even though I wasn't mad at her for breaking up with me and still wanted to show I was there for her as I know she has some severe issues to cope with.

I know this has nothing to do with my original post, it's just killing me that I have this going on on top of an already shitty situation, and it hurts calling her my ex because it's still a fairly fresh break up. I really loved her too. Still do, but I have no say in anything.