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Severe OCD affecting relationship

T

Troubledgirl

Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New Jersey
Hi everyone, I am new here. A virtual hello to you all! I am asking people to try to be kind to me, as I’m feeling a bit spent and vulnerable right now.

I’ve been dealing with ocd almost all my life since 5, and it got more severe as I entered college and I am 35 now. I’ve had therapists and meds on and off but nothing really helped much. I’ve also dealt with anorexia throughout my 20’s. Th ocd seems to center around responsibility ocd and this kept me from visiting doctor offices by myself, for fear of touching blood there and then contaminating a partner with aids or fear of driving for fear of hurting someone with my car, and fear of going outside lest an animal with rabies would attack me and I would give someone rabies. I had cleanliness ocd for a while too for fear of getting someone sick. The ocd is mostly obsessional thoughts but the thoughts are so real that I think I did them in real life. I figure that if I can picture images in my mind, they must’ve happened. This would become so debilitating that I sometimes couldn’t leave my house.

The ocd would just go away naturally and then come back, but was dormant for a good 8 years. I’ve had bad relationships and some were emotionally abusive and finally got to be with a really great guy who I am currently with. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary this past weekend actually.

I’ve always had a very pure ideal in relationships and won’t even look at another guy when I’m in one. I’m very loyal and believe cheating is completely horrible and I’ve never cheated on a partner as far as I know..I’ll explain what I mean later.

Up until 5 weeks ago, things were going well with boyfriend though I still had some anxiety whenever an attractive coworker came to talk to me and always wanted them to leave. Obviously this was before covid and places closing. For some reason just talking to any guy made me uncomfortable.

6 weeks ago, I went without a mask at a limited person outdoor activity with boyfriend and afterwards I felt awful I did so, and when I told my mom about it she rightfully was upset as I live with my immunocompromised father. Suddenly that week a false memory of kissing some random guy that was walking down the street caused me to have a full blown panic attack. I knew it was my ocd that was suddenly back and then right after I started to fear as to whether i contacted my exes and cheated on my boyfriend somehow. I checked messages and asked my mom if I left at anytime and there was no evidence I had done so.

For the next 5 weeks up until now, My world has gotten smaller and smaller and I am now at the point where I cannot leave my house at all. I imagine going across the street and doing something horrible and I figure if I can picture it, I did it so I’ve come up with rituals like taking pictures every 10 minutes to prove I am home, or making sure my shoes are tucked away and not accessible and stuff like that. I’ve even been tempted to reach out to my exes to get in writing I never saw them because my mind tortured me so.
The cheating ocd has become so horrible that it pushed me to seek a general anxiety therapist and am on 125 mg of Luvox but nothing is helping. All my therapist tells me is to write down that I’m a good person and would never cheat but that just doesn’t help and now I cannot even leave my house and am having nightmares hurting my boyfriend with infidelity. This is like the same thing at 21 years old, how I thought I touched a bandaid on the street and I lived a year of my life thinking I was going to die from aids.

Obviously I cannot tell my boyfriend any of this but he sees I’m distressed and all I tell him is I have severe ocd again. I’ve stopped cooking for him and walking by myself when I stay with him and these past two weeks I’ve been randomly crying because this ocd depresses me so badly. I wonder how can I do exposure therapy when I think I did something just sitting in my room. My therapist is telling me to stop taking pictures to prove I am at my house but it is causing me major meltdowns thst last for hours. It isn’t that simple. I feel I’m getting to the point of feeling helpless. I did manage to get an ocd specialist for this Thursday online meeting, but I’ll have to pay out of pocket for her as nobody else in network called me back. It’s just I have nowhere else to turn.

My boyfriend and I got into a big fight Sunday because he want giving me much affection and he told me it is because I’m randomly crying and I’m not telling him why. I’m very vague with my ocd. He basically told me to just go for a walk because he clearly needed space from my emotionS and surprisingly I did go for a walk by myself, the first in 4 weeks. I wondered how I could just do that and then felt worse about myself, thinking I am faking all of this and a psycho and that sort of thing. Yesterday I just cried in my room and didn’t want to leave .

My boyfriend has been through so much as well and spent the time and energy to overcome his inner demons, and I feel like a horrible girlfriend to let him down with my sadness and problems. I feel terrible and sad. If you got through all of this you are amazing.





Sent from my iPhone
 
lyesander

lyesander

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
156
Location
USA
I really think you should be open about what's going on with your boyfriend. You can even show him this post, if that takes the pressure off having to verbally communicate it.

But relationships are based on both parties being open and honest with each other, and I believe it will cause more problems in the long run to hide this from him. For all he knows, he's doing something wrong and the reason you wont tell him is because you don't want to hurt his feelings, or maybe something horrible has happened and you wont let him in to support you, so he feels helpless. Additionally, having your partner and best friend be someone you can lean on for support and validation is going to be incredibly valuable to your recovery.

I would also recommend searching for a therapist who has experience treating OCD symptoms, rather than one for generalized anxiety disorder.
 
T

Troubledgirl

Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New Jersey
Thanks for your reply! I’m afraid to cross this line with my boy because he’s not my therapist and I honestly don’t know if he will understand that it isn’t because I WANT to cheat; it’s just that my ocd centers on it. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m lacking fidelity or doubting us or something like that. I don’t want him to be my therapist, I want him to be a partner.
I am meeting with an actual ocd therapist this Thursday
 
T

Troubledgirl

Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New Jersey
Can anyone please help? I feel really overwhelmed. I feel drained. Idk what to do
 
P

PrimeLife

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Somewhere safe
Hello TroubledGirl,

I had to read your post a couple of times. In some things I'm in the same boat as you are. If you don't mind I'm going to quote you a couple of times and tell you how I've experienced it and how I dealt with it. Please don't mind my terrible English, I have these great amazing words in my head in my own language, but can't translate them.

First of all, anxiety teaches our core to fight of flight (as you've probably heard many times). Yet, some anxieties are taking over your life, while the probability of it happening is close to zero. You can have anxiety for spiders, yet little spiders can't hurt you that much and will mostly be more afraid of you. The anxiety a human can have for spiders is unnecessary, as you are more deadly to them then the other way around, but it still plays parts in your life. I have learned to face all my anxieties and I've started to feel better.

Second of all, if you can't trust your boyfriend with this, or if he's not willing to listen, how are you gonna cope with him the rest of your life? If he is in the same boat as you are, wouldn't you want him to tell you? Be honest about you and yourself, so you two can live with eachother and know how the other will react. A relationship is more then "love", it's about dealing with everything you two will have to face in the future. And if you can be this strong already right now, then you can face anything.

1) You've been in abuse relationships and so have I. I had a hard time continuing with another relationship, until I decided to tell her what has happened to me. She was very understanding and she supported me all the way :) In todays society, beeing abused by a woman as a man, is still beeing frowed upon. Imagine if I had the courage to tell this, then you definatly have the courage to tell your boyfriend. If you don't want to be there when you tell him, just open this forum and let him read it while you're out. Tell him not to contact you for a couple of hours because you will feel uncomfy.

2) Your OCD sounds exactly like mine. When I'm stressed, I feel that my OCD is coming out stronger then normally. I can remember weeks or even months where my OCD wasn't playing up. According to my therapist for me OCD is a way to deal with stress and anxiety. Coping with these two things will lower my OCD.

3) Writing down to get rid of your anxiety. Yes, this is exactly what my therapist has also told me. You need to face the anxiety and make your body used to it, so that it doesn't bother you that much. If you face a spider for the first time, your anxiety shoots way up and lowers slowly. Second, third, fourth etc. it will do the same, until you reach a point where you are not bothered anymore with the anxiety. If you know very well you won't cheat, then there is no need for anxiety about it. If you're afraid of water, but you can swim, there is no need to be afraid. Ask yourself: Am I a cheater? Envision yourself with someone else, cheating. Is that you? if the answer is no, then your anxiety for cheating is unnecessary. Have you already taken steps to start cheating? No? Then there is no reason for you to have an anxiety over that.

4) Stop taking pictures and covering up tracks in the past OR make up statements for future incidents that might occour. Yes! For fuck sake, we're in the same boat! I had my ex-gf SPY on me and that's when my anxiety started. My ex was reading my textmessages, had the key to my home and never allowed me to be near ANYONE except her. For the past 3 years I've been calculating ALL MY MOVES. ALL OF THEM. Where I was, what I was doing. I was taking pictures from places so that I could USE THEM in the future. How f*cked up is that right?

Now, this topic is new for me as I just started handling this last week. I've talked to this girl who I have the anxiety towards (the person that I feel like I have to proove to all the time where I am, what I'm doing, etc.) and told her: "From now on I'm telling the truth. You have to help me get over this anxiety. Wherever I say I am, I am. You cannot doubt what I'm saying because I'm telling the truth. Do not ask me to take pictures. If you don't like where I am, that is your problem. But always know I'm telling the truth".

5) Attractiv co-worker. Not every co-worker is interested in you. Sorry to say this very harsh, but some co-workers do not think you're attractive, nice or cute. So there is no way to always think this when you see an attractive co-worker. I understand you find him/her attractive, but that doesn't mean you automaticly want to cheat on your current boyfriend. It's the anxiety and the images you fill in your mind that make you think like that, because you've always lived like that. I've been accused of cheating many times and getting the backlash of it. It's easy to think in those situations "why not cheat anyway, because I get accused of it sooner or later." But as stated in point #3, if you know you're not a cheater, there is no need for anxiety. I think we all have someone we think looks attractive! And for me it's okay to look at them :)

6) Stop watching the news during corona-times. My best advice is to stop reading news about CoVid-19. I feel that your OCD towards cleanlyness is hightly influenced by todays new coverage. Some sources say it's a terrible desease, other sources say it's just like the flu. You can't know for sure, so why bother with the news anyway? I understand for us OCD people these times are very tough. Because they are. I've had a terrible 3 months waiting for my therapy to start, I've thought about killing myself because I couldn't handle it anymore.

7) Your thoughts about doing something. I've had the same experience as you. I had thoughts of killing people that I love. When I came close to them or cuddle them, I had the feeling to strangle them or stab them. And yes... that is weird. I didn't knew what came over me. I decided to confront my anxiety head on, and noticed I am not a killer. Thoughts don't make you a killer or a cheater, actions do.
 
T

Troubledgirl

Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New Jersey
Thank you so much for your reply primelife, and you expressed yourself very well! I understood everything you said. I just feel scared to tell my boyfriend all of this. Do you think he’s really going to treat it as purely ocd, or is he going to think into my obsessions more, for instance, thinking that he’s done something wrong to cause these, or worse, thinking I have an inner desire to cheat? I just feel by telling him these specifics I’m going to cause him great distress and unrest :(
 
P

PrimeLife

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Somewhere safe
You can't know for sure, but you have to find out otherwise you're going to have another problem :) If by now you haven't explained him yet why you're doing things, and you're not willing to talk about it, he will come to a point where he will take the blame for it. He will feel that he is the cause of the problem and your future together can fall apart.

You can't keep masking everything you feel or do. Please, I've been on the other side of the stick and it was the most terrible two years of my life. I couldn't help my loved one getting over her anxiety and the abuse she had in the past. You feeling scared is another thing that gives you anxiety. How about you break that circle of anxiety and fear for the first time by telling your loved one what you're dealing with? How about you actually fight instead of flight? That would be a tremendous start for your therapy :) You can't manage OCD and anxiety on your own. I sadly have to.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,276
Mental well being in my opinion is having a functioning Mind. That in my opinion means being able to deal with life's daily obstacles. In my opinion you have said you aren't able to deal or cope with your OCD... For me anything that makes your thoughts turn inward like a downward spiral, or closes your world inward in the same manner is cause for alarm. Think of it as Quality of Life. If your Quality of Life is being impeded, come up with a action plan of how you are going to turn it around, and stick to it :) Regarding your relationship with your boyfriend, follow your instinct. You know how close you are to each other. Yes it's important you are able to confide in him. The more you can both divulge to each other of your insecurities etc. the closer you both will become, this is how trust etc. is formed... The thing is will he understand ;) What he does need to understand first and foremost is your true feelings towards him, and it's important you are both on the same page too... Once you both have that base level of understanding, then you can start to share more of the difficult stuff, keeping in mine that it's important he understands and grasps what you are telling him. Hope this helps :)
 
T

Troubledgirl

Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
19
Location
New Jersey
I really appreciate the time you took to answer me. Thanks to both of you. I guess now I need to decide to tell him. I haven’t reached any conclusion yet :(
 
I

Ineedchanges

New member
Joined
Jul 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Ny
Hi everyone, I am new here. A virtual hello to you all! I am asking people to try to be kind to me, as I’m feeling a bit spent and vulnerable right now.

I’ve been dealing with ocd almost all my life since 5, and it got more severe as I entered college and I am 35 now. I’ve had therapists and meds on and off but nothing really helped much. I’ve also dealt with anorexia throughout my 20’s. Th ocd seems to center around responsibility ocd and this kept me from visiting doctor offices by myself, for fear of touching blood there and then contaminating a partner with aids or fear of driving for fear of hurting someone with my car, and fear of going outside lest an animal with rabies would attack me and I would give someone rabies. I had cleanliness ocd for a while too for fear of getting someone sick. The ocd is mostly obsessional thoughts but the thoughts are so real that I think I did them in real life. I figure that if I can picture images in my mind, they must’ve happened. This would become so debilitating that I sometimes couldn’t leave my house.

The ocd would just go away naturally and then come back, but was dormant for a good 8 years. I’ve had bad relationships and some were emotionally abusive and finally got to be with a really great guy who I am currently with. We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary this past weekend actually.

I’ve always had a very pure ideal in relationships and won’t even look at another guy when I’m in one. I’m very loyal and believe cheating is completely horrible and I’ve never cheated on a partner as far as I know..I’ll explain what I mean later.

Up until 5 weeks ago, things were going well with boyfriend though I still had some anxiety whenever an attractive coworker came to talk to me and always wanted them to leave. Obviously this was before covid and places closing. For some reason just talking to any guy made me uncomfortable.

6 weeks ago, I went without a mask at a limited person outdoor activity with boyfriend and afterwards I felt awful I did so, and when I told my mom about it she rightfully was upset as I live with my immunocompromised father. Suddenly that week a false memory of kissing some random guy that was walking down the street caused me to have a full blown panic attack. I knew it was my ocd that was suddenly back and then right after I started to fear as to whether i contacted my exes and cheated on my boyfriend somehow. I checked messages and asked my mom if I left at anytime and there was no evidence I had done so.

For the next 5 weeks up until now, My world has gotten smaller and smaller and I am now at the point where I cannot leave my house at all. I imagine going across the street and doing something horrible and I figure if I can picture it, I did it so I’ve come up with rituals like taking pictures every 10 minutes to prove I am home, or making sure my shoes are tucked away and not accessible and stuff like that. I’ve even been tempted to reach out to my exes to get in writing I never saw them because my mind tortured me so.
The cheating ocd has become so horrible that it pushed me to seek a general anxiety therapist and am on 125 mg of Luvox but nothing is helping. All my therapist tells me is to write down that I’m a good person and would never cheat but that just doesn’t help and now I cannot even leave my house and am having nightmares hurting my boyfriend with infidelity. This is like the same thing at 21 years old, how I thought I touched a bandaid on the street and I lived a year of my life thinking I was going to die from aids.

Obviously I cannot tell my boyfriend any of this but he sees I’m distressed and all I tell him is I have severe ocd again. I’ve stopped cooking for him and walking by myself when I stay with him and these past two weeks I’ve been randomly crying because this ocd depresses me so badly. I wonder how can I do exposure therapy when I think I did something just sitting in my room. My therapist is telling me to stop taking pictures to prove I am at my house but it is causing me major meltdowns thst last for hours. It isn’t that simple. I feel I’m getting to the point of feeling helpless. I did manage to get an ocd specialist for this Thursday online meeting, but I’ll have to pay out of pocket for her as nobody else in network called me back. It’s just I have nowhere else to turn.

My boyfriend and I got into a big fight Sunday because he want giving me much affection and he told me it is because I’m randomly crying and I’m not telling him why. I’m very vague with my ocd. He basically told me to just go for a walk because he clearly needed space from my emotionS and surprisingly I did go for a walk by myself, the first in 4 weeks. I wondered how I could just do that and then felt worse about myself, thinking I am faking all of this and a psycho and that sort of thing. Yesterday I just cried in my room and didn’t want to leave .

My boyfriend has been through so much as well and spent the time and energy to overcome his inner demons, and I feel like a horrible girlfriend to let him down with my sadness and problems. I feel terrible and sad. If you got through all of this you are amazing.





Sent from my iPhone
I think we have similar ocd. I had turets growing up. A nervous tic in my head went to therapy and it went away now the tic is mental w obsessions I can’t get out of my head. Like similar to yours. I keep on asking my self what if’s. It’s a paralyzing existence to constantly ask your self if you did something wrong without knowing if you did it or not. Like self doubt uncertainty of peaceful experiences. Anyways I totally relate to your post. Hope you understand you’re not alone in this drama we live in. Mike
 
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