- Nov 9, 2019
- United Kingdom
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I'm so done with it. I can't do anything. I can't even bother myself to a ring a doctor because I know how anxiety-inducing it will be and I like to avoid my anxiety as much as I can, which has also led to me so far failing my first year of university (this is a whole other problem and I don't know if it's possible to even recover it after I've missed every assignment, tutorial, lecture - basically everything - since October). I try to put off doing things for as long as possible. Even personal hygiene. I used to have showers every day but now I just have them when I need them so that I don't have to go through it every day. I can't even read a book for more than 5 minutes without getting irritated or bored. I lose my focus easily. I'm never physically or mentally comfortable. I've lost most contact with my friends since we left school. At least back then I had people to talk to everyday and I got away from my depression for a while. The only thing was that I didn't ever go out with them outside of school because that gave me social anxiety. I felt more comfortable in school. We even had a formal in the final year of school and I did not attend this because the thought of it made me way too anxious. And I was one of the only people in the year (and the only person in my close group of friends) that did not attend the event. We also had a final year performance which I was planning on skipping but I was off for a few days for some other reason which I cannot remember. Anyways, school for me ended ten months ago due to the lockdown. In ten months I've had barely any proper social contact. There was one time I was dragged out with another group of friends which I'm not as close with but still talked to a lot in school and after I drank for a bit I was socialising absolutely fine and I was pretty confident. It's just the anxiety and lack of confidence that makes me normally suck at/avoid socialising. There's lots of things I want to do but anxiety prevents me from doing. I wish this was not the case. And the depression makes everything difficult doing no matter what. Little things can set a depressive episode off because I'm a lot more sensitive to things like that now. Anyways what are my options with regards to all this?