Seriously suffering with BPD

Y

Yayi

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Joined
Mar 5, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Delaware
#1
Hello

This is the first time I’ve ever joined any sort of forum. A little history on me. I’ve been dealing and suppressing my mental issues since I was a teenager.

I became pregnant and I guess suppression was no more. The pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected. I am now 39 years old with an 8 month old daughter. I’ve been married to a great guy for ten years this sept n have two teenage stepdaughters that are like my daughters.

Life has been really hard the last 3 years financially. We’ve lost our house and car and have been living in motels for about a year now.

My BPD is getting worse and worse and I don’t know how to control it anymore. I have a constant battle in my mind. I can be loving and happy and a great person to strangers but at home anything triggers me and I become the worst angry biatch to ever exist. I threaten my husband with leaving. I say hurtful things that deep down I don’t mean. I even told him the other day that I hated him and was gonna take his daughter and leave but again that was out of anger.

I was taking meds right after the baby because the doctors feared ppd. A few years back I had a mental breakdown and was court ordered to seek mental therapy. I do not like therapy at all. I’m not comfortable talking person to person. I kinda put things out of sight out of mind and just keep moving.

Am I the only one that does this??? Idk what to do anymore. I just keep getting meaner and meaner and the flipping is more constant. I feel my current situation doesn’t help me either. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here....

I feel guilty and bad but can’t control this anymore.

Am I better off alone??? But I don’t want that either.

Seriously confused 🤦🏻‍♀️
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#2
it's good you've reached out here, that's a start, do you know or can identify your triggers? You aren't a mean person for something you can't control

if you suppress the feelings they get more and more intense which maybe what you are experiencing now, you can't just move on like people say, with BPD you have to tackle them

I remember this time last year I was going through the same thing, getting constantly triggered, having constant episodes almost on the daily and it was hell, but it helps a lot if you get down to the why and what

You say you don't like therapy, was it the therapy itself or the therapist that made it uncomfortable? Once you find the right therapist for you and one you click with it can help a lot and get easier to face

I think for you and your family's sake you should get some help so you have extra support, having a kid with this happening can't be easy for you either and maybe is partly why everything feels out of your control
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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1,231
#3
You need to force yourself to go to therapy. It should make you uncomfortable at times, that’s normal. Not all therapists are equal. Just because one didn’t work, another may. Find one that lessens the uncomfortable feeling and then work hard on yourself. It will provide you with the stability to be the best mom. Do it for your child, if not for you.

When I read your post I thought ppd, too. Lots of hormones post-pregnancy.
 
Y

Yayi

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Delaware
#4
@BPDevil

Thanks for your response. I do tend to avoid dealing with my flips. I honestly don’t know what triggers me. It can be anything. The other day someone’s car alarm was going off and it woke the baby and I flipped. Idk why any little thing just makes me flip.

I don’t like therapy itself. Talking to someone face to face about me isn’t easy. I am never completely open or vulnerable so what’s the use.
 
Y

Yayi

Member
Joined
Mar 5, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Delaware
#5
@Girl interupted

I appreciate your response. You’re right I do have to force myself for my daughters sake. I didn’t realize PPD could also add to the craziness I’m experiencing.
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
110
#6
Please have another go with a therapist. It is hard and it does feel wrong and alien for a while but like the others said, find the right one and over time, you will build trust and get more and more used to talking about things. It took me a few failed attempts with therapists who just weren't a good fit for me. It took me long time to get used to talking about me and what goes on in my head but I'm now working with a great DBT therapist and although its painful and I still avoid certain things, on the whole it has been life changing. Having someone on your side who can rationalise your thoughts with you is liberating.
x
 

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