Seriously Confused

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EstherRose94

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I hope someone more wise than myself can help me out. I’m 24 and have been with my bf for over two years. It’s my first “real” relationship. I love him a lot. There have been lots of times when I’m absolutely crazy about him. The rest of the time I think I’m crazy for choosing him.

My love for this guy is overwhelming but I can’t shake the fact that he also makes me feel tense. Alone, I can sometimes recognize that I’m justified in this. He can be incredibly difficult to get along with peacefully and I think a few other people might agree.

He’s either truly the most emotionally complex/dramatic/sensitive human on the face of the earth and he truly adores me and wants to be with me for all the right reasons.

OR he’s a master at manipulating my emotions and making me cling to him like my life depends on it and then try to defend my own thoughts and beliefs during moments of clarity. No matter which I do, he seems to criticize me for it in some albeit subtle way:

“I’m busy, you need to learn to care for yourself” or “why do you act like you have to defend yourself when I’m not attacking you?”

I’ve spent most of the past two years blaming my conflicting feelings on my anxiety and trying to fix that (meds and therapy) but I’ve been feeling a bit suspicious of his behaviors and words again I feel partially empowered actually yet HORRIBLY guilty.

I KNOW that something is fishy here no matter whose “fault” it is and I also know that the fault isn’t mine. Yet I cannot imagine breaking up. In my head i know that he plays emotional games but when I’m with him I could never and would never tell him that. He’s my prince charming

This black vs white thinking has me baffled as hell. What is the reality? And how can I be sure?
 
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EstherRose94

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Like I know this isn’t all my fault because I’m not insane and I’m a loving and loyal person. We had a little falling out tonight. It was so dumb but I took my phone out at dinner to look up a game we wanted to catch on tv and he said “don’t worry about it, just eat” in a tone that to me was a bit too authoritative for my liking.

I told him this and he proceeded to not eat and not speak to me even though I tried to lighten the mood/ Later in the car we talked it out. I stood my ground and felt decent about it but he’s all super sad now.

I called to check on him and he said he needs to be alone. I’m annoyed that I was the one to reach out and he declined that.

I understand him being hurt but this happens a lot and I need a strong and stable and optimistic partner. Am I being too harsh?
 
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EstherRose94

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Sorry I’m just going to passive aggressively reply to myself to make my thread go to the top😂😂. But I’m getting really close to concluding that I’m a horrible person again over the above thing and I really don’t think I am
 
Mixxy

Mixxy

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Like I know this isn’t all my fault because I’m not insane and I’m a loving and loyal person. We had a little falling out tonight. It was so dumb but I took my phone out at dinner to look up a game we wanted to catch on tv and he said “don’t worry about it, just eat” in a tone that to me was a bit too authoritative for my liking.

I told him this and he proceeded to not eat and not speak to me even though I tried to lighten the mood/ Later in the car we talked it out. I stood my ground and felt decent about it but he’s all super sad now.

I called to check on him and he said he needs to be alone. I’m annoyed that I was the one to reach out and he declined that.

I understand him being hurt but this happens a lot and I need a strong and stable and optimistic partner. Am I being too harsh?
Hey sorry you are feeling unsure about a lot of stuff. It’s sounds like you are constantly second guessing your self ... I’m an expert at it and it’s exhausting 🙈

What’s real and what’s the BPD.... I get stuck on that one for hours.

Is he there for you and supportive on the whole?

Do you feel rejected because he has asked to be alone? Why were you upset about that? *big hugs*
 
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EstherRose94

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I’m annoyed that he wants to be alone because it makes me into the “bad guy” when all I did was stand up for myself. Yes he’s mostly supportive but he does these subtle things. And I feel like he always expects me to do things a certain way and it makes me feel a ton of pressure until I eventually get annoyed over time and say something. Then he acts like I’M Being rude. And I’m not rude. I feel like he’s a pro at turning it around. Now he’s like “I need my space to get over our argument” even though it started with HIM speaking to me in a tone I found abrasive. That’s not fair!
 
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EstherRose94

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Also thank you so much for responding!
 
Mixxy

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As hard as it is I feel that you should give him that space , just to get his thoughts together. Who ever is in the wrong respect that he wants that time and make sure he knows that you would rather not have to wait but you will because you love him. Did he say you was the bad guy or is that just how you feel? You know as well as I do with Will overthink and assume many things with out them actually being said... it’s pants I know 😔

It would kill me so I kinda know how you feel about it but sometimes we have to take a step back.

When he is ready talk things through with him.... please try not to stew in those feelings and get them out to him when he comes to.
 
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EstherRose94

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He just always thinks the issue is me being too sensitive but it’s not and I’m really ticked because I can’t talk to anyone about it and he clearly only cares about his own feelings because he doesn’t want to try to reconnect. I’m just over this.
 
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EstherRose94

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Like I know I did nothing wrong. I just want to break something this pisses me off. I did NOTHING to him and his little drama show makes me obsess over what I must have done.
 
Mixxy

Mixxy

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Breaking something will unfortunatly only make you feel worse in the long run ☹

Only you know if you are done with the relationship. Try not to do anything drastic.... if I was you I’d do like I said. Let him be for a bit and then when he’s ready discuss EVERYTHING , how he makes you feel etc and see how you can move forward from there.

I really wish you all the best 🙂
 
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EstherRose94

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Thank you. I’m going to workout to try to calm down. I’m just angry because first off I WAS trying to be honest and calm about how I felt last night and I even apologized a bunch and was sweet last night and today and like he still won’t just let it go. It’s not cool.
 
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Girl interupted

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Make a list of pros and cons about him. When you are done, one list will likely be longer than the other. It will give you your answer.

But it only works if you are completely honest about it, and not try to rationalize and rebalance one list over the other.

Then when you are both in a better place you can show it to him and have a discussion about it.

I’m more concerned that you feel manipulated. From what you describe, it sounds like he enjoys being in control. That’s not necessarily healthy, particularly if it eats away at your sense of self worth.

Again, it’s hard with bpd. There are triggers that make us believe something is fact when it’s not.

At the end of the day, you have to figure out if this is just a rough patch or if you need to walk away. Only you can decide that.
 
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EstherRose94

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Make a list of pros and cons about him. When you are done, one list will likely be longer than the other. It will give you your answer.

But it only works if you are completely honest about it, and not try to rationalize and rebalance one list over the other.

Then when you are both in a better place you can show it to him and have a discussion about it.

I’m more concerned that you feel manipulated. From what you describe, it sounds like he enjoys being in control. That’s not necessarily healthy, particularly if it eats away at your sense of self worth.

Again, it’s hard with bpd. There are triggers that make us believe something is fact when it’s not.

At the end of the day, you have to figure out if this is just a rough patch or if you need to walk away. Only you can decide that.
That’s been the big question like is he causing me to feel this way and I’m totally justified in it or am losing my marbles when I think that? I switch back and forth on that idea a lot. I can only conclude that it must be a bit of both and now I have to see if it’s fixable.

Honestly I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m glad i spoke up and shared my feelings with him. He might be upset about what I said but I was just being honest.

I think he needs to know that his tone can be a little much and maybe if he comes to terms with that he can work on it 😊

I want to keep working on myself too.

Thanks both of you
 

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